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Distant and Stagnant

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I’m in a relationship with someone I met online on a community website, and we are now in a relationship, the thing is he lives in another state and we only see each other every 2 months when one of us flies to each other. It seems he has no intention whatsoever of moving to California and he doesn’t seem as committed as I am, should I bother investing anymore in this relationship? Or should I just hang on and see how it goes? So far he still seems willing to meet every 2 months and it has been 1 year, but he doesn’t seem willing do much else…

A: Dear Struggling from Distance,

Long distance relationships are difficult to maintain and will test even the strongest people. A few weeks ago, I touched on this very subject and provided a key ingredient that most long distance relationships lack.

You have already invested a year into this relationship. but it seems obvious your significant other isn’t willing to make the appropriate changes you feel will make the relationship stronger. The two of you could remain on this current pattern of seeing each other every 2 months, but would this routine make you happy? I continually emphasize happiness in the majority of my writings because far too often, many people are willing to sacrifice it just to make someone else happy.

It is important to understand that relationships do require the participation of both parties, so it is only fair to discuss his opinions on the relationship and what changes could be made. I’m sure your answer will become quite clear after a few small conversations. Whatever decision you decide to follow, please don’t just “hang on” for the sake of having a boyfriend because I promise you, it will only make things worse in the future.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Every 2 Months,

Part of me wants to say “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it”, but the larger part of me wants to say it’s time to jump ship. You are both comfortable where you currently live and you aren’t budging. If you are okay with seeing each other in person 6 times a year, with no promise of it going any further, then stick to it. Why just ride it out when you can already see you aren’t going to end up at the right destination?  He has already proved how committed he is willing to be at this point in time. If you need more and you do not demand a change, I am pretty sure it will stay the same. Woman to woman, I say walk away. If he comes after you that’s great, but if not you will be open to finding love a little closer to home. Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I am currently in a relationship and we are very comfortable with one another. We stopped going out and “dating” as much as we used to. I am less motivated because I have my prize, don’t get me wrong I love her, but we are both bored. What can we do to spice things up?

A: Dear Missing Spice, 

Complacency is one of the biggest factors in the demise of a relationship. On second thought…besides cheating, complacency may be the reason why relationships fail. Complacency leads to boredom. Boredom leads to irritation. Irritation will ultimately lead to the “I’m over this” mentality. Once you have reached this way of thinking – the relationship is over.

In the three and half years Joy and I dated before our 2 month split (Lord knows I was miserable during those months despite all efforts I made to enjoy the single life), I put forth very little effort to try and “spice things” up. Like you, I had what I wanted. I didn’t feel the need to go the extra mile – this selfish behavior ultimately led to our split. Luckily, I got on the good foot quick and the two of us are committed more than ever to constantly redefine our relationship and find new ways to fall in love all over again. Key emphasis on “two of us” – it takes both parties to keep the relationship thriving.

As for ways to spice things up: focus on the little things. When was the last time you bought her a “just because” gift? How about the movie she has been begging you to watch with her, yet you have refused? Gone on a weekend getaway? Actually had a romantic date? Told her you she was beautiful even though her physical appearance may be saying the exact opposite? It’s the little things that have the biggest impact.

Spend the next couple days listening (not hearing) to what she says. Find clues. Engage in conversation. Execute! You will be surprised how easy it truly can be! I’ll leave you with a line from one of my favorite Usher songs (I’m talking old Usher – not this techno/pop/confused Usher), “It’s the simple things in life we forget. You hear her talkin’, but don’t hear what she said. Why do you make something so easy so complicated. Searching for what’s right in front of your face, but you can’t see it!” Good luck. friend!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Spiceless, 

Lil Wayne said it best “Don’t you. Ever. Get too. Comfortableeee.” (ok, maybe that isn’t the best line ever, but it applies) We have all experienced a relationship rut or two. They typically come right after the climax of a relationship high because both parties involved are under the impression that the relationship bliss will maintain itself. Laziness…It happens and it is normal, but nonetheless it is a pain in the butt. The good news is that there is an easy fix, all you need is a little E-F-F-O-R-T! I understand it is hard to muster up the motivation, but once you do it will be worth it. Pay close attention to the things your partner says. For example if she says “ I really need my bathroom painted” suggest going to the store to pick out paint and to top it off the next morning by having her wake up to you painting her bathroom. She will then be more inclined to do something special for you. Before you know it voilà! Your spark will be back.   The magic of relationships lies within appreciation, the spark lies within what you can both do to contribute in a positive way to the relationship. Relationships are are a full time job in which the payment is love. Get to work!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012