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Soul Mate(s)

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have read through most of your post and wonder what is your he said/ she said version of soul mates/ twin flames?

A: Dear Thoughts about Soul Mates,

With billions of people living on earth, the chances of meeting our actual soul mate can be pretty intimidating. Social media and online dating have made it much easier to connect with complete strangers by narrowing our target audience, but it still doesn’t eliminate the long and arduous road some travel in finding a mate.

I definitely believe soul mates do exist, yet I don’t feel it’s as uncommon as some may think. When we traditionally think of “soul mates”, we create this fairy-tale of a story about two people who are so madly in love and will spend the rest of their lives together in eternal bliss. Our society has created this façade that cripples people into believing their soul mate will fulfill every item on their checklist and only a select few will ever get to experience it.

PSA: FALSE!

Finding your soul mate isn’t all about finding the perfect person; it’s about finding the person who simply makes you a better you. The person who makes you smile, laugh, cry; the person you enjoy seeing everyday and loving; your best friend. We are often presented with people who could be our soul mate(s), yet we may not be ready or open to receiving such a blessing. Lord knows, I wasn’t ready to find Miss J at 18, but there comes a point when you stop fighting and you let nature take its course.

They say good things always come when you least expect it, so just live and stop worrying about finding your soul mate. Be open and willing to accept/give love and I’m sure someone will come wandering in your direction. The question is, will you be ready?

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Questioning The Existence Of Soul Mates, 

To truly believe in a soul mate, I think it is important to understand exactly what a soul mate is. In Greek mythology, it is said a single human being consisted of a male and female in one body. Zeus feared the power of the male and female together as one, so he separated them into two separate bodies leaving them to roam the earth in search of their other half. Today, a soul mate is defined as a person who is perfectly suited for another in temperament. In layman’s terms, a soul mate is supposed to be someone who “just gets you”.

I think we encounter several “soul mates” in life. Some in the form of friendship, mentors, family, and of course romance. In terms of romance, I do believe in “the one”. But I also believe that “the one” may not be your “one and only” or they could in fact be just that.

Let me explain…

Let’s say you meet someone and you are madly in love. You understand each other and things just make sense. Now let’s say (God forbid) something tragic happens and that person passes away. I cannot and do not believe that you are damned to live the rest of your life without the prospect of having that connection ever again.

I also do not believe any relationship is effortless, soul mate or otherwise. So now let’s say you meet someone and you are madly in love and you connect on every level, but you don’t work at anything. You let the relationship rot. Well in that case I think you are prematurely ending things with the one person who may be designated as your soul mate for a longer period of time than you decided to stay together. Does that make sense?

Everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It is extremely hard to tell who is in your life for which reason so your best option is to love always.

So in short I guess my answer is yes, I believe in soul mates. There may or may not be more than one. Either way you will have to work hard at the relationship. Love hard and love always. You can’t go wrong with that.

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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But You Say I’m Just a Friend

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I recently realized that I am in love with my best guy friend. The only problem is that I can’t figure out whether he feels the same way about me….I don’t want to say something and then risk destroying the friendship. We have a bunch of mutual friends and they keep telling me to go for it, but I am still holding back.

We are extremely good friends, I am totally comfortable around him (always feel like I can be ‘me’), would do anything for him, and I am even willing to adjust my future career plans in order to be with him. I have always been a very driven woman with high career and life goals, so the fact that I am willing to compromise some of my plans for a guy is a big deal.

I am torn because I cannot imagine not having him in my life should he not see me in a romantic light, but at the same time I feel like I am carrying around a huge secret by not telling him how I truly feel.

I am almost certain that he is “the one,” aka the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with — he drives me crazy sometimes yet I still love him and he meets all of my “must haves” in a potential husband/life partner.

What should I do? Should I say something or just be content in the friendship? How do I try to probe his feelings and find out if he feels the same way?

Please Help!

A: Dear My Best Friend has my Heart,

I mentioned this in a previous post, but I will say it again: There is nothing more beautiful than falling in love with your best friend. For some people, the person we fall in love with may not start off as our best friend, but if we want that relationship to reach its maximum level of love, happiness and strength – our significant other MUST BE our best friend.  Not only you have been blessed to have someone who you can confidently call your “best friend”, you have met a person who allows you to be comfortable in your own skin and makes you feel like no one else does!

Embrace your feelings, but also understand that two possibilities can result if you have this conversation. You are clearly in love with this man and are ready to commit yourself to him. He may feel the same, he may not. Prepare yourself for either possibility. Who knows, he may be asking himself this very questions, yet may be too afraid or uncertain on how to approach it.

I firmly believe you will be doing yourself and the friendship a disservice by not expressing your true feelings. It’s unclear how long the two of you have been friends, but it’s obvious the two of you have grown close over the years. If there isn’t anything in this world a best friend could handle, it’s honesty. Friendships are built on honesty, so open your heart and be honest. It may single-handedly be the most frightening thing you will do, but it will all be worth it. Who wants to continue down life’s journey being “just a friend” to the person they believe is the one for them?

Give your heart the opportunity to discover if he really is the one! Just remember, prepare for both possibilities.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I’m In love with my Bestie,

This is great news! Who better to fall in love with than the person who knows you, loves you and trust you the most in the world. Beyond that, the feelings are reciprocated on your end; how wonderful!

Chances are if your mutual friends are all saying to go for it, they may know something you don’t know. He may already know, or he may even feel the same but he may be uncertain of your feeling.

Answer these questions:

  1. Are you both single?
  2. Is your friendship strong enough to weather a relationship?
  3. Are you more afraid of losing a friend or your potential husband? (trick question, but answer it anyway)
  4. Would you have to compromise anything that will subtract from you being a better person?
  5. Has your friendship grown since 2011, if so in what direction and if you were to stay “just friends”, what your friendship would really look like in 2013?

If you answered “no” to number one, have respect for his current relationship. If you strike now you won’t even be able to be friends depending on how serious he is about his girl. Now that’s out of the way…

Making the jump from best friend to boyfriend/girlfriend can be awesome, but it will have its challenges as well. You will have to “re-train” each other in some areas because you will be making a different type of commitment to one another. Some things will come naturally and others you will have to work for. Nothing to fret about, but definitely something to prepare for. Make sure you are both on the same page as to what you want out of the relationship.

Number 3 is a trick question because if you believe in you heart of hearts he is “the one” you will never lose his friendship and you will only gain a husband (potentially/eventually). Really weigh what you are compromising, anyone in a successful relationship will tell you compromise is a key component of their success; however make sure you do not compromise anything that has to do with who you truly are at the core. It’s not worth being with someone if you can’t be and do what you feel your purpose is in life.

Lastly, if you are in love with your best friend now there is a good chance you will be in love with him this time next year. The moment you discovered have deeper feelings for him you erased any hope of a true “just friends” relationship. You don’t want to wake up one day both married to different people wondering “what if…”.

Go for it!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012