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My Best Friend Is In An Abusive Relationship…HELP!

 Dear Love Jays,

Tough situation. My best friend is involved with a terrible guy. He’s every form of bad. She seems to have slipped in to this strong state of delusion where she believes without a doubt that the two of them are just meant to be together. Her logic? “Why would we [I] be going through all of these terrible things if we weren’t meant to be together”. As if the current challenge of being 100% loyal to and supportive of an emotionally, physically, and mentally abusive unfaithful man is somehow preparing her for this moment where she saves him, or changes him.

It seems she isn’t listening to reason or logic.
How do I help her though?

Dear Control What You Can Control,

As hard as it may be to understand, digest, or comprehend — we have no control over who our friends decide to date or marry. We all have different standards and expectations when it comes to selecting a significant other. Some of these standards seem relatively common and some are little off-base, but just because we are friends with someone, it doesn’t mean we all share the same expectations.

The best thing you can be for your friend is a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. If she comes to you for advice, give it. Be respectful. Come from a place a love. Make sure she knows you care. Everything else is completely up to her. We all have the power of choice. Choose wisely.

Love,

Mr. J

Dear Between A Rock A Hard Place,

I know your first instinct is to jump right in and rescue your friend from this man who has hurt her in every way and stripped her of any and all common sense. Unfortunately, It’s not your job to save her just like it’s not her job to save her relationally inept man. You cannot save someone who does not want / think they need to be saved.

This is not to say there is absolutely nothing you can do. You can love her and support her as an individual as much as you can. If you haven’t already, it’s okay to sit down and have a heart to heart with her and express why you are worried. Don’t attack her, she already gets enough of that. Avoid all smart ass comments, because if it comes down to her having to choose him or you, she will most likely choose him. You never want to feel like you should have said something. Say it all, but only say it once-unless she asks for your honest opinion later on down the road. Always be honest with her, she doesn’t need to be under the false pretense that you believe the lies she tells herself as well.

You are on the outside looking in, so it is very easy to say she’s delusional; which is probably accurate, but it’s not of her own accord. Men like that specialize in delusion. They are always saying things along the lines of “Baby you need me”, “you are nothing without me”, “nobody else will want you”, “if you go I will hurt somebody you love”, “if you leave me I’ll kill myself”, “if you leave me I will kill you”, “I want to marry you”, and of course there’s the “Don’t leave, I won’t do it again. I promise”. He might not be saying these exact words, but the sentiment is there.

You know the saying game recognizes game? Well, weak recognizes weak. I know you don’t want to hear it, but your best friend had a weakness and whatever it was her current weakling man recognized it and preyed on her vulnerability. Your job is to try your best to build her up and make her strong again without interfering with her relationship. Be a friend. I know it’s hard and I will pray for you both.

Love,

Miss J

*If you witness any physical abuse, it is more than okay to contact the police.*

 

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Does Coffee Always Have To Be A Date?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

 I was wondering about this illustrious coffee date. I know it’s supposed to be simple, but it still confuses. Coffee is my go-to. I’ll take my best friend (boy and girl best friend) to coffee and I’ll take a “date” there. But if I want to go with a friend to just test the waters… is it still a date? What are some “non-date” activities when getting to know someone better so that they don’t jump to conclusions?

A: Dear Looking for “Non-Date” Activities,

The good ‘ole coffee date. Easily, without fail, the easiest and cheapest way to hang out with a friend or potential love interest. The atmosphere is always right, you can typically find a comfy sofa to sit on and purchase a little bite to eat without having to look at an illustrious menu. I would recommend finding a local “mom and pop” coffee shop over the typical Starbucks or Coffee Bean – switch it up and be original.

If you are looking to test the waters with someone, I would still recommend going to coffee. If they decide to jump to conclusions and make it “datey”, that’s on them. How you approach someone is the most important aspect of eliminating the confusion on whether or not it’s a date. If you are sweating bullets, fumbling your words, avoiding eye-contact or rubbing your clammy hands on the side of your jeans, chances are you may tip the other person off on how you feel. Find a way to mention it within a normal conversation, so it doesn’t seem out of the blue. You can always act as if you are in a hurry to go somewhere and simply suggest coffee to finish up the conversation. It’s easy and most people won’t think twice about it.  Moral of the story – if you’re awkward, it becomes awkward.

As for other “non-date” activities, keep it social. Invite some friends over for a movie or game night. Go to a happy hour and have some drinks. The more people around, the less “datey” it will feel. If none of those sound fun, you can always stalk their social media accounts and find out all the information you would need. I wouldn’t recommend the stalk approach, but it is becoming increasingly popular.

Cheers!

Mr. J

A: Dear When Coffee is a Date,

Coffee, ice cream, happy hour or day “dates”. They can all be a very noncommittal way to get to know a person, or they can be as serious as a true first date. The difference between the two is up to you.

The best way to keep someone from jumping to conclusions is to be clear about your intentions. You do not have to blatantly say, “I am not sure if I am into you that way so this is JUST coffee.” But you can say something along the lines of “Let’s meet up later this week and grab drinks. I have [insert whatever activity you clearly have to go to alone] to go to right after, but I’ve got an hour to spare and I’d love to pick your brain about [insert whatever topic].” This way the person knows you have limited amount of time and you will indeed JUST be having drinks/coffee/ice cream etc.

If that is still a little too “datey” for you go for the friend tactic, but be careful how you execute this plan as well. If you invite someone to hang out alone with just you and your close friends they are going to think you like them. Make sure you invite them to an event or something where there will be plenty of people and tell them to bring friends too.

Hopefully this helps! 

 Love,

Miss J 

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© LoveJays 2013

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Not a Fan of my Girlfriend’s Boyfriend

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I wanted some advice on how to deal with a close friend and her boyfriend. The guy she is in a relationship in my opinion is a terrible influence on my friend. They have broken up in the past and during their break, all of our friends shared with her their real feelings on him. Instead of us being sad for her during the split we were all so excited because no one likes him. They ended up getting back together and since then I never like asking about her boyfriend because I have nothing nice to say about him. I feel like he is a loser and she is lowering her standards for him, hoping she can change him. She seems to really like him and I don’t want to constantly disapprove, so I say nothing at all. I want her to be happy but is it okay to just sit idly by and say nothing and let it run its course?

A: Dear Do you Have to Date Him, 

As hard as it may seem,yes, you have to say and do nothing. It’s really hard to watch the people you love make bad decisions.As long as she is not being abused and there are no signs of abuse in the future, you pretty much just have to sit and watch. If she asks for your advice/opinion then you are free to share. If she just needs to vent and does not want your  two cents then keep your mouth shut. Easier said than done (I am still learning this).

I want to draw you attention to some things you wrote.You said, “In my opinion [he] is a terrible influence on my friend” and “I think he is a loser”. Notice you did not write, “In HER opinion…” and “SHE thinks he is a loser”. Unfortunately, what you think is irrelevant unless prompted by your friend.

My mother always taught me when it comes to a friend and her man you have to tread carefully. Women are automatically defensive when it comes to matters of the heart, if your friend is keeping this man around chances are she has made a place for him in her heart. Her heart, her choice. Just remain as supportive as possible and don’t dwell on her relationship because it is not going to end it any faster. I am a very protective friend and I really can relate to your concerns. I know you are coming from a good place of genuine concern, but your friend is perfectly capable of making her own decisions. Maybe there is a lesson she needs to learn and in order to learn that lesson she needs to go through this experience.

I want to be clear…as I stated before, if there is any abuse or any potential for abuse you should definitely state your concerns. Also know that part of abuse is isolation, if he knows you are on to him he will do his best to manipulate her into cutting off your friendship.I sincerely hope this is not the case.

Ready for the silver lining? You know a pig when you see one.  Congrats!

Love,

Miss J

A: Dear When being a friend is tough,

Friendships are invaluable. Whenever we are going through a difficult time or just need someone to make us smile, we can always count on our friends to be at our side. These are the people who run in our closest of circles and have our best interest at heart. We share everything with them and love listening to their advice, but when it comes to expressing our concern with their significant other…it all changes.

The defense walls shoot to the heavens, irrational excuses counter logical points, our friend feels attacked, frustration spews from our pores…the list continues. The conversations keep circling with no direction or progress, then slowly, both parties distance themselves from each other.

It’s hard to watch our friend date someone we feel doesn’t fit the mold, but it’s not our job to make those decisions. You are entitled to giving your opinion; it’s on your friend to take it or leave it. Continually bringing it up will only drive a wedge between the friendship, so you have to accept what you can’t change and hope for the best. Our only job as friends is to actually be a friend, so focus your energy on positivity and ride it out!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Miss J’s Special Day

I’m sure some of you are wondering, “Where are the questions? It’s Thursday!” You’re right – it is Thursday (September 6th), but today, I’m going to do something a little different. At this very moment, in some place around the world, it is September 7th…what’s the significance? Glad you asked. September 7th is Miss J’s 23rd birthday!!

In celebration of her birthday, I’m going to share 23 facts, feelings and whatever else comes to mind about this beautiful woman who has been my support system for the last 4.5 years!

1. Miss J is single-handedly the most selfless and loving person I know. She is willing to do 1,000,000 things for other people before she even considers herself. If any of you are fortunate to call Miss J “friend”, you know you will always have someone in your corner through the highs and the lows.

2. Miss J has more energy than most 5-year-olds. Seriously. Dull moments rarely exist in her presence.

3. Miss J laughs at the MOST inappropriate times. If you suffer a tragic loss, don’t come to her because she may laugh in your face. She means no harm, I promise. She just has horrible reactions!

4. Miss J sleeps with an eye-mask.

5. Miss J is in love with love. Love is her passion (hence the blog).

6. Miss J is deathly afraid of snails. Yes, snails. Her reason is valid, so don’t judge too much.

7. Miss J’s newest hobby is painting.

8. Miss J can stick her stomach out to make it look like she is pregnant. Makes me uncomfortable and nervous every time.

9. Miss J is obsessed with spinach. She eats a bowl of it for lunch or dinner at least 3 times a week.

10. Miss J looooooves monkeys. It’s beyond an obsession.

11. Miss J is an amazing woman of God. Her faith and love for the Lord is undeniable and genuine.

12. Miss J is a BEAUTIFUL dancer who was trained by Miss Debbie Allen.

13. Miss J wishes she lived in a nudest society.

14. Miss J’s favorite channel is Disney.

15. Miss J is a hoarder. Her hoarding mixed with my OCD often leads to anxiety filled conversations weekly!

16. Miss J is a Harry Potter nerd!

17. Miss J will cut you off mid-sentence without thinking twice. Just ask my best friend.

18. Miss J always announces when she is about to cry, but then she puts all her focus in preventing herself from crying. Still don’t get it.

19. Miss J loves showering. Minimum of 2 per day.

20. Miss J is a nature junkie. Sunsets and sunrises are her favorite.

21. Miss J is the one passenger in the airplane who actually turns their phone off prior to take-off. I’ve been yelled at twice for refusing to turn mine off. She was legit upset. Now, I turn mine off. Smh.

22. Miss J carries floss everywhere. Don’t be surprised if you see her flossing at dinner, mid-meal. No shame at all.

23. Lastly, Miss J is everything a man could ever ask for in woman. She embodies everything that is respectable and admirable about a woman. I love her more each day and am unbelievably grateful for being blessed with such an amazing women.

Miss J – Happy 23rd Birthday!

Love,

Mr. J

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© LoveJays 2012

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More than a Best Friend

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have a question. I met this girl about 4 years ago and right when I met her we hit it off. Over the past 4 years she’s been my closest friend and she’s always been the realest person I’ve ever known. We’ve been best friends but now we are starting to fall for each other. We’ve always kinda had a thing but never acknowledged it until now. We both want to start a relationship but were afraid of the risk of losing each other. Any advice?

Dear I Like my Best Friend,

It’s not everyday people get the opportunity to fall in love with a person who is their best friend – someone who truly understands and appreciates them. Over the past 4 years, you have had a woman who has most likely celebrated with you during your highs and comforted you during your lows. You have complimented her rather easily in your question and admitted to both liking each other, so….what are you waiting for?

A successful relationship is built upon a strong and loving friendship. It’s impossible to date someone, let alone love someone, who is not your friend. You have been “dating” for the past four years and just haven’t admitted it! Miss J is my best friend and the love of my life – the perfect combination!

As for losing each other, leave that excuse at the door. You like her. She likes you. 1+1=2. Pick up the phone and ask her on the date. The rest will be history!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear The Plot of Love and Basketball,

If the feelings are truly mutual I say go for it! When you begin dating someone they also become your best friend, you are two steps ahead of the game. Have a conversation and talk about what you both expect out of a relationship because the transition from friend to boyfriend will be a little different.

In the case of a break up would it be hard to salvage what you have now? Possibly…chances are if you have always had some type of “feelings” for one another you were never “just” best friends. You have been close for years and you feel strongly about one another. You have essentially been “talking” to someone for an extended amount of time and recently had an aha moment. That is ok! The worst thing to do would be to wait it out and miss your opportunity.

On the other hand, if you feel you are not in a good state mentally to be in a relationship or vice versa, hold off! But if you are ready to love and be loved as Nike’s slogan says “Just do it”! 

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012