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The Transition Question

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Since you guys have been together through a significant transitioning period in your life, how would you say being in a relationship affects finding yourself and the person who is right for you? Or, is it better to find yourself outside of a relationship?

A: Dear Finding Yourself,

The road to “finding yourself” is continual and gradual – a journey without destination. Everyday we are presented with new experiences, new people, new ideas and all of these play a hand in shaping our personal identities, beliefs and morals. From our genetic makeup to our daily routines, everything influences our lives. We will not wake up out of our sleep with an aha! moment exclaiming, “I found myself!!” It’s just not going to happen. As we continue to grow older and more wiser, we have a stronger grasp and acceptance on the person we are becoming, but I’m not sure if we ever really find ourselves because the act of finding alludes to “the end”; life is never-ending.

Throughout my relationship with Miss J, many people have questioned how we formed personal, separate identities without ever really having time apart. From the outside looking in, I can understand how it may seem difficult, but honestly, my relationship with Miss J has helped (far more that it has hindered) me in discovering the real Justin. When I am experiencing certain emotions or confused on what steps to take next, it is nice to have someone by your side offering a helping solution. Her advice does not directly shape my course of action, but it helps put life in perspective. We often have trouble solving problems looking through our own, biased lens, so to gain the understanding of another who truly has our best interest at heart is a blessing. Despite what these stupid rap lyrics proclaim about being “self-made”, we aren’t much of anything and have difficulty attaining understanding and success without the influences and help of others.

I truly believe the misconception of not being able to find yourself in a relationship stems from a negative view of relationships. I’ll be transparent – I use to look at my relationship with Miss J as a burden in my development. I was frustrated, angry and confused as to why I found myself in this relationship at such a young age. It wasn’t until almost a year ago (after our 2 month split) when I realized that my relationship with Miss J was not a burden at all, instead it was a beautiful partnership with a beautiful person who just wanted to love and support me. I fell victim to the ways of the world who argued I couldn’t discover who I was while dating another. Since shifting my views, I have grown exponentially in my personal life and have discovered new interests and opportunities I never imagined.

I’d encourage everyone to live life one day at a time and not worry about trying find all the answers. As humans, we don’t have the ability to understand it all, but that is the beauty of life. Continue working towards becoming the best person you can be and hold tightly to those who want the best for you. If you are in a relationship or single, the same personal development and growth can be achieved as long as we are willing to view life through a positive lens.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Inquiring Mind,

Good question! (Not that there are any bad questions).

Based on my experience, I cannot confidently say you can find yourself completely while in a relationship. Finding yourself requires you to be selfish and it goes against the grain of the amount of sacrifice you need to be in a committed relationship. As Mr. J and I have stated numerous times, we broke up for 2 months. It was at the peak of our transitional phase and there was just no way to grow together when establishing our separate identities.

With that said, I am not sure there is a set amount of time everyone needs to find themselves. For some people it can be 2 years and for others it can be 2 weeks. I think it depends on exactly what you are hoping to find and what you need to discover.

In my case, I needed to discover what it meant to be a woman, what kind of woman I was, what my real hobbies and interest are and if I could be independent. Turns out being a woman means being strong, wise and knowing when to put yourself first. I am a passionate, loving, God-fearing, and smart woman. I LOVE hiking, painting, everything about love, and helping others. I am more than capable of being independent and most of all I am capable of loving myself. I discovered all these things and more in just 2 months! Now it’s funny to think I was ever without the knowledge this “me” existed.

When Mr.J came back around I discovered something else; we have the ability to build our lives together, but still maintain our separate identities. I had found everything I needed to find on my own. The rest of it I can figure out as I go. What a concept! I now know the difference between compromising for the relationship and sacrificing who you are for your relationship. If you are struggling to find that balance it is safe to say you probably need to take some time for yourself. It is also important that when you do find that balance within yourself, the next partner you have allows you to continue to grow.

 Love,

Miss J 

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The Truth About Guy Time

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I was hoping you guys could give a little advice about space in a relationship. My boyfriend and I are 22 and have been together a little over a year. We love each other very much and have already decided we’d like to spend the rest of our lives together.

I understand it’s healthy for there to be some space in a relationship and my boyfriend has said he would like some more space, some more “me” time and time with his friends. 

I’m having a little bit of a hard time giving it to him and I’m not sure why, or how to let go a little and give him what he wants. I’m also not completely comfortable with the ways that he wants to spend his “me” time (clubs with his very single friends, bars, parties and beer pong until 3 a.m., etc)

I trust him (he hasn’t given me reason not to, I love him), I’m just not comfortable with the situations he chooses to put himself in I guess. Help? Please! 

A: Dear I Trust my Man, but…,

Attention Ladies: Any time a man asks for more space or more “me” time, it typically means he is unhappy with the current status of the relationship and is likely talking with his boys about how irritated he has been, yet isn’t going to end it despite all reckless attempts to convince his friends he is “ready to be single”.

Why am I so sure of this? Well, I was making the same request a few years back in my relationship with Miss J. Though men have the ability to talk with the best of ‘em, we aren’t great communicators – especially when it comes to our relationship and feelings. It’s fair to say we are immature when it comes to expressing what’s on our mind. We would much rather refer to the go to “I just need some me time” instead of sitting our lady down and being upfront on how we feel. Grant it, I’m not sure many ladies want to hear what a man is really feeling…I’ll stop right there. But seriously, let’s not front!

You have convinced yourself that you “trust” him, but it’s clear that you are unhappy with the situation. In the perfect world, he would sit you down and explain to you how he is feeling, but as I explained earlier, it’s not going to happen. Therefore, it’s going to fall on you (unfair – I completely understand) to have an open conversation discussing why he feels he needs “more space” and how you feel in regards to his requests. Just be sure to NOT get upset when he starts expressing himself – I guarantee it will cause 100x more issues! Oh, one more thing – be prepared to have at least 5 more conversations pertaining to this same point. It’s not going to change overnight, but it’s important to frequently discuss it because if not, your relationship could take a sharp turn right, quickly!

I’m sure I violated “man-code” by writing this response, but I’m only speaking from experience. Fellas – our ladies aren’t stupid! When we are feeling a certain kind of way, let’s try talking instead of running. It will save you plenty of headaches and nagging conversations!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Space for What? 

 “Space” is such a vague word. The first thing that came to my mind was what does he need space for and what kind of space? Is it physical space, emotional space, space away from you in general, or “guy time” space? Your first order of business is to answer those questions and act accordingly.

 If he is serious and committed to your relationship, I am sure he can avoid frequenting places that involve drunk men and women with impaired judgement.

 It is wonderful you trust your man, as you should considering he has not given you a reason not to. However, this is not a trust issue, it is a respect issue. He needs to respect the fact you are not okay with how he is spending his “me” time and you need to respect the fact he has to have an outlet outside of the relationship.

 Let me clarify, he is entitled to spend his “me” time however he chooses, but what he does on your time and his, should always be in the best interest of your relationship. If you are uncomfortable, you need to have a conversation about it. If he respects you, he will accept your feelings as valid and scale back. This does not mean going out with the guys to the bar/club is completely off limits, it just means it does not have to be as often.  Now if he is resistant and wants to continue to go out no matter what the cost, that my friend is what I call a warning sign. It’s a last attempt to not commit. He can be in a relationship, but as long as he gets to walk like a single man and talk like a single man, he gets to feel like a single man…even if it’s only for a couple hours on the weekend. It doesn’t mean he is cheating, or even thinking about it. It just means there is something there preventing him from being ready to commit 100%.  Twenty-two is a tough age to be in a serious relationship when all of your other friends are single and seemingly having the time of their lives. Trust me, I know. 

 I have a feeling the reason you are having a hard time letting him go is because you know he is struggling a little bit. As women, we KNOW our men. Be honest with yourself and encourage him to be honest with you. 

 If that is not the case….

 Mr. J still needs a good, clean, fun guys night from time to time. Sometimes they go out, others they stay in and shoot the breeze or they will even play a sport. Either way I have to understand there are some nights when he needs to have a quick break from estrogen and enjoy some good ‘ole testosterone. It is important to give your man this time. It’s nothing against you, sometimes guys just need guy time. Support that and maybe even have a girls night while you are at it! 

 Love, 

 Miss J 

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