Before you tune into the presidential debate tonight take a look at Barack and Michelle Obama’s anniversary video. Today marks 20 years of marriage for the happy couple!
Love, J&J
Barack and Michelle Anniversary Video
© LoveJays 2012
Today’s post is inspired by a question we received yesterday and a conversation I had with a newly single friend, the question was as follows:
“I’m newly single after a fairly serious relationship. Some people say to take time before dating again and some say to get back on the horse! What do you guys think?”
Mr. J and I both responded with wait, reflect, and go from there; but I did not really go into full detail as to why those steps are so important. I want to explain (from a woman’s perspective) why it is imperative to take time as a young woman for yourself.
I am speaking from my experience as a woman in her early twenties, but I am sure everyone will be able to pull a little something from this post.
It’s no secret that about a year ago, Mr. J and I broke up. I saw it coming from a mile away, but when it finally hit, it hit hard. In the beginning I was devastated; crying on the floor (full out fetal position-pathetic, I know) and absolutely heartbroken. Once I was able to accept what was happening, I found I was completely and utterly emotionally exhausted and it was not from all the crying. I had been emotionally draining myself for months and I was not even aware of it. This is common for breakups; most of us try to hold on to what we have because we are afraid of loosing it, no matter the cost.
When my relationship started going down hill, I was only focused on Mr. J’s happiness. I stopped paying attention to what I really wanted and was doing everything in my power to try to make it work. After all, that’s what love is right? Wrong! Not only was I not loving Mr. J right, I was also not loving myself right.
After this realization something amazing happened, I focused on “me”. I have always had great self-esteem, but there was something missing. I rediscovered myself, which was an interesting development because I was not aware I lost myself in the first place. I found that I had grown, the last time I focused on myself I was only 18, just a girl. Now I was a woman with a lot to offer and proud of it. I thoroughly enjoyed immersing myself in all things Joy. I discovered I am strong, passionate, confident,capable and best of all I was able to finally understand I did not need anyone to be all of those things. Those qualities belong to me. Of course I was willing to share, but I could sleep easy knowing I was a complete woman with or without any man – and a darn good one at that!
As time passed and I explored my identity further, I had yet another light bulb moment and that was that I actually LIKED myself! From there, loving myself was easy. I essentially dated myself. I got to know myself, went out a few times, found a few new hobbies, and voilà…there it was… Love.
Now the relationship I have with Mr. J is ten times better because my happiness is not dependent on his. I am not afraid of being alone, and most importantly, I have discovered my worth as a woman and nothing can take that away from me. Ever.
I encourage all women going through a breakup to really take advantage of the time you have afterwards. Yes, it is important to reflect on your past relationship and understand what you can do in the future in order for your next relationship to remain as healthy as possible. But, the best thing you can do for yourself and your next relationship is have YOU together.
Best Wishes to you all.
Love,
Miss J
© LoveJays 2012
Two months ago, Miss J and I were sitting in her apartment when a friend suggested we start a blog giving love advice to young people. We each swept the idea under the rug in the beginning, but as a few weeks passed, the two of us decided to give it a shot. Miss J has always been passionate about love and giving advice, while I typically just gave advice because I enjoy talking and like the sound of my own voice. Miss J and I brainstormed a name for the blog, did a bit of research then BOOM – July 13th came and Love Jays was born. I had never written anything about relationships, dating, love or any of the other topics we discuss on this platform, but I quickly realized what we were doing was something people actually enjoy! If you look back at all the articles, we have touched on various different topics relating to “all-things-love”, but we have never really touched on the most important love topic – loving yourself.
Loving yourself sounds easy enough, but the act of truly loving ourselves is one of the most challenging quest all of us will face or are currently facing. Up until about a year ago, I couldn’t be convinced that I didn’t love me some me. Everywhere I went, I was the loudest person within a 10 mile radius, always wanted to be the center of attention and couldn’t wait to talk some sh*t with my friends. I was an absolute clown, but I was convinced I loved that person everyone grew to know. When I graduated college, everything changed.
My basketball career was over. My closest friends were no longer around the corner. I was no longer “the man” on campus. I didn’t have a job. I had to move back home. I was alone. I was depressed. I was confused. Who was I? For the first time in my life, I was forced to be alone in my thoughts and spend time reflecting on the Justin I portrayed to the world. For so long, I led people to believe I had it all together and was living a happy life.
My girlfriend (Miss J) was one of the most attractive women on campus. Captain of the basketball team. President of the Black Student Union. Outreach Assistant for the Office of Admission. It appeared I had what everyone wanted. But despite how put together it may have looked, I was completely broken inside. I lashed out and attempted to be the “cool” guy, the “hard ass”, the “I’m better than you” because I didn’t know what else to do. I struggled and I struggled. I made more enemies than friends, but I didn’t care. I loved me some me, right? Wrong.
I write this blog as an open invitation into my struggle of figuring out who I am and how to really love and accept that person. I don’t have it all together. I, like most of you, am continuing to seek my purpose in life and am working towards becoming a man of strong moral integrity, love, passion and respect. Strip away the Love Jays and Mr.J. I am You and You are me. We struggle together.
So, what does it mean to love yourself and how do we do it? I don’t have all the answers, but I can say that it is imperative that you spend some quiet time bi-weekly or monthly reflecting on the person you are in your heart of hearts. Embrace it all. We have talents and we all have shortcomings – that’s what makes us special and unique. We don’t need to be anyone else, besides ourselves. Let’s focus on becoming the best version of ourselves and not worry about who/what others think we should be! Besides, how can we love someone else if we don’t love ourselves, first?
Sincerely,
Mr. J
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© LoveJays 2012
For the Ladies…
Last night I attended a screening for the movie “For a Good Time,Call…”. I went with a girlfriend of mine, it was a total chick flick and good for at least 100 laughs; although I am pretty sure I have heard enough moans and “squishy” noises to last a lifetime! On the surface the story is about two girls who (due to a mishap in college) do not get along, become roommates because of financial hardship and a breakup, start a phone sex hotline for money and eventually make bank.
Underneath the surface the movie is really about the development of a female friendship. Starting and maintaining a friendship with another female is always such a process, and it made me wonder why? It then dawned on me (and the movie came to the same conclusion) that a friendship is very similar to a romantic relationship….minus the romance. These are what I feel the stages in most (not all) female friendships are.
In the movie, the friendship was initiated by one of the characters helping the other character start her own phone sex hotline.I like to call this the “I really don’t hate you” moment. We have all been there, you meet a girl and you are not sure whether or not she is going to be a friend or foe. Sadly, we are trained from a young age to view all girls as competition. Although you may not want to compete, you will always automatically size them up. Once you determine whether or not their intentions are good or bad, you act accordingly. If you decide the woman is good in your book, you then make sure they know you like them. It is very important to do this as early on as possible, a potential friend can quickly turn into an unintentional foe. Whether it is a small gesture or verbally communicating, it has to be done.
After the characters start bonding and making money through their business together, one of the girls goes out and buys them both matching bags. I call this the “I like you enough to be associated with you in public, and maybe even be called besties” phase. You have heard the saying ‘imitation is the greatest form of flattery’, well in turn wanting/letting/enabling someone imitate you is also a form of flattery to the other party involved. This is really just level two of the “I really don’t hate you” moment, maybe it should then be called the “I really really don’t hate you” moment. You decide.
As business is booming, the characters decide they need to hire a third woman to operate the phone sex hotline. In real life, I would call this the “ Let’s make a decision together because we are just that tight” phase. Whether it be deciding on where to go on vacation or what event the two of you will attend next, it is always a great sign when you can make a mutual decision with a friend. You are both in it to win it and really enjoying each other so much so, you even value and honor the input of the other.
Side note: In the movie, the third woman they hire turns out to be a Christian radical who sabotages their business by making all the phone sex hotline callers repent for their sins. Needless to say, the two main characters are not happy about this when they discover the truth and the woman immediately becomes an enemy. Do not even get me started on when women unite over a common enemy. Very dangerous territory.
One more side note: In another scene in the movie, one of the characters reveals she is still a virgin (save this nugget of knowledge for later).
Next, one of the girls is compelled to say ‘I love you’ to her new best friend; the other girl in a moment of utter awkwardness gives her a hug, but does not say it back. I call this the “I love you’s are for boyfriends” moment. The good news? No they are not! You are welcome to love as many people of whatever sex as you would like. There are so many different types of love and so many levels of love. Of course you can love your friend! Go ahead, say it back!
Fast forward to the climax of the movie and both girls are at each other’s throats (if you want to know why, watch the movie). One of the characters finds the need to tell the other character’s parents about the phone sex business. The parents are obviously disappointed and the girl is absolutely mortified. The two characters exchange heated words, one of the lines was something along the lines of “I did not say ‘I love you‘ because I do not love you” and the other girl shot back with “you are just an insecure virgin”. This is what I like to call the “You will always be my best friend because you know too much…never mind, I have changed my mind so all of our secrets and vulnerabilities will be used as bullets” moment. In the case of friendship you should never use what someone shared with you in a moment of trust as ammunition to hurt them. Period. Woman typically do this as a form of protection, you have trusted a female enough to let them know the real you and now you are in battle mode and your sole thought is to destroy and conquer.
For the sake of a happy ending and comic relief the two eventually make up, I love you’s are exchanged and they live happily ever after. This is not always the case in real life.
So I wrote this whole article to say…Women, we need to get it together!
We should love and support each other. It is okay to determine whether or not someone is ill willed in the beginning, but beyond that can’t we all just get along? Let’s leave the emotional roller coaster for Vivian Green.
Love,
Miss J
Have a question for the Love Jays?
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© LoveJays 2012
I’m sure some of you are wondering, “Where are the questions? It’s Thursday!” You’re right – it is Thursday (September 6th), but today, I’m going to do something a little different. At this very moment, in some place around the world, it is September 7th…what’s the significance? Glad you asked. September 7th is Miss J’s 23rd birthday!!
In celebration of her birthday, I’m going to share 23 facts, feelings and whatever else comes to mind about this beautiful woman who has been my support system for the last 4.5 years!
1. Miss J is single-handedly the most selfless and loving person I know. She is willing to do 1,000,000 things for other people before she even considers herself. If any of you are fortunate to call Miss J “friend”, you know you will always have someone in your corner through the highs and the lows.
2. Miss J has more energy than most 5-year-olds. Seriously. Dull moments rarely exist in her presence.
3. Miss J laughs at the MOST inappropriate times. If you suffer a tragic loss, don’t come to her because she may laugh in your face. She means no harm, I promise. She just has horrible reactions!
4. Miss J sleeps with an eye-mask.
5. Miss J is in love with love. Love is her passion (hence the blog).
6. Miss J is deathly afraid of snails. Yes, snails. Her reason is valid, so don’t judge too much.
7. Miss J’s newest hobby is painting.
8. Miss J can stick her stomach out to make it look like she is pregnant. Makes me uncomfortable and nervous every time.
9. Miss J is obsessed with spinach. She eats a bowl of it for lunch or dinner at least 3 times a week.
10. Miss J looooooves monkeys. It’s beyond an obsession.
11. Miss J is an amazing woman of God. Her faith and love for the Lord is undeniable and genuine.
12. Miss J is a BEAUTIFUL dancer who was trained by Miss Debbie Allen.
13. Miss J wishes she lived in a nudest society.
14. Miss J’s favorite channel is Disney.
15. Miss J is a hoarder. Her hoarding mixed with my OCD often leads to anxiety filled conversations weekly!
16. Miss J is a Harry Potter nerd!
17. Miss J will cut you off mid-sentence without thinking twice. Just ask my best friend.
18. Miss J always announces when she is about to cry, but then she puts all her focus in preventing herself from crying. Still don’t get it.
19. Miss J loves showering. Minimum of 2 per day.
20. Miss J is a nature junkie. Sunsets and sunrises are her favorite.
21. Miss J is the one passenger in the airplane who actually turns their phone off prior to take-off. I’ve been yelled at twice for refusing to turn mine off. She was legit upset. Now, I turn mine off. Smh.
22. Miss J carries floss everywhere. Don’t be surprised if you see her flossing at dinner, mid-meal. No shame at all.
23. Lastly, Miss J is everything a man could ever ask for in woman. She embodies everything that is respectable and admirable about a woman. I love her more each day and am unbelievably grateful for being blessed with such an amazing women.
Miss J – Happy 23rd Birthday!
Love,
Mr. J
Have a question for the Love Jays? Submit by email here or anonymously using our comment box!
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© LoveJays 2012
When I am driving alone it is not uncommon for me to turn off my music and just let my thoughts flow. I was on my way to meet my family at a theme park this Sunday after church and on the drive over, I could not stop thinking about how much I truly appreciated Mr. J.
He is kind, thoughtful, encouraging, supportive, loving, my best friend and just all around awesome. The whole ride I was counting my blessings and thinking about how thankful I am for him.
As fate would have it, while in the theme park, my dad, two of my twenty-something female cousins and I were talking about relationships. My father expressed how important it is to sit a man down and tell him how much you appreciate everything he does to contribute to your relationship. My first thought was “Well that’s not a problem, I always let my man know he is appreciated.” My second thought was, “Wait, when was the last time I actually said it to him instead of thinking it to myself?” I literally could not remember. I say I love you all of the time; I also let him know how I feel about him individually and about us as a couple, but I do not tell him how grateful I am for all his contributions enough.
As women we often feel we need to be on the receiving end of praise, after all men are the unappreciative half of our species…right? Wrong. A vital part of love is showing and stating your appreciation for one another. It is not enough to just think it and be happy on the inside knowing you have a keeper. It is information worth sharing! Shout it from the rooftops, tell all your friends, jump on Oprah’s couch; but most importantly look your significant other in the eye and let them know how much you notice and appreciate all they do.
My father’s quote of the day was this, “It is a man’s job to put a woman on a pedestal, but in turn it is a woman’s job to never take advantage of it.”
Now I know the phrase “don’t put a woman on a pedestal” comes to mind right away; I had to really think about what he was trying to say too. What it means to me is that women deserve to be held at the highest regard and every need should be met to the best of that man’s ability. In turn, the effort of the man should never go unnoticed by the woman if he is trying his best. Being from the new school, I would like to change it to this: “ It is a man’s job to put a woman on a pedestal, but in turn it is a woman’s job to never take advantage of it AND vice-versa.” 😉
When I saw Mr. J Sunday night I told him exactly what I appreciated about him, and guess what? He was happy! I noticed and cared enough to say something about it! So there you have it, SAY SOMETHING, you won’t be sorry you did.
Love,
Miss J
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© LoveJays 2012
