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The Attitude Problem

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Looking for advice on how to deal with the attitude/stubbornness aspect of a relationship.

A: Dear Attitude Adjustment,

Attitude is a learned behavior whereas stubbornness is typically a personality trait.  They can both be worked on, but the person exhibiting the behavior has to be aware and motivated to change.

Let’s start with the attitude problem. More often than not, it does not take long for a nasty attitude to rear its ugly head. Those who possess this quality are usually quick to use it. Big issue or small issue, you will usually get a neck roll or two. The first step is to bring awareness to the issue in a non-accusatory tone. Try saying something like, “When you speak to me like _____ , it makes it hard for me to receive what you are saying because ______”. Calmly let them respond, and prepare for just a little more attitude. If your partner is reasonable (hopefully) they will digest what you said and apply it next time. The second step is to repeat. This can be a process and you will probably have to talk about it more than once, just remember to stay calm and always come from a loving (not frustrated) place every time you speak about it.  

Stubbornness can be a little more difficult to deal with. Sometimes it can be good to be stubborn and sometimes it can be really bad. Because the reward is different each time, it makes it difficult for the person with this personality trait to know when it’s appropriate and when to leave it at home. No one should ever just roll over and do what someone else says to do within a relationship or otherwise. However, it is important to compromise. If your mate is stubborn but you guys are always able to come to an agreement, then I would say you are fine. If the stubbornness gets in the way of you ever finding middle ground then you may be dealing with a “my way or the highway” type. If this is the case, your best bet is to (again) speak to them calmly while they are exhibiting such behavior. Do not make it sound like a “bad” thing or a “flaw”. Just let them know you appreciate he/she is strong willed, but you really need to come to an agreement and it would be great if he/she could meet you half way. Leave them with their thoughts and let them approach you later when they are ready.

Hope this helps!

Love,

Miss J 

Dear Managing Attitude,

Growing up, I was the kid who always copped an attitude; if things weren’t going my way, I made it a point to let everyone know I wasn’t happy. As a result, I was forever getting in trouble at school or finding myself on the tail end of a good whooping from my father. Years and years passed, yet I still didn’t have a solid grip on how to control my attitude. Let’s be clear, I wasn’t bad, destructive or abusive (I know some of you were judging); I just had a difficult time keeping my mouth shut!

Fortunately, Miss J came along and help put my attitude right in its place. She effectively communicated how I would hurt her feelings by saying or doing certain things and simply would not tolerate my childish behavior. She wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary, but seeing someone you truly care for upset over your actions isn’t the most rewarding feeling. It’s also important to note that true change is only possible when a person is committed to making a change.

If your partner’s attitude or behavior is causing a rift in your relationship, it’s absolutely critical to communicate your feelings. They may know it’s a problem, yet if they aren’t fully aware of the consequences, chances are very likely business will continue per usual. Relationship maintenance isn’t always fun, but it is indeed necessary.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

 

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Check Please!

“Don’t worry about it, I got this one.” [Google]
Q: Dear Love Jays,

I’ve been raised to be a gentleman and always pay for a lady. My girlfriend and I have been together for over a year, and lately she’s been making it a point to pay. Even getting upset when I pay before she has a chance to. To be honest, it makes me uncomfortable to let her pay for me. She tells me I need to get over it. I try not to let it bother me, but I feel as if people are looking at me like I’m a dead beat when she pulls out her card and I just sit there. Any words of advice?

A: Dear Let Me Pay For It,

The majority of men and women will agree it is the man’s responsibility to pay for his lady. And just like the majority, I agree with this principle…sort of. Now before all the women get ready to take off their heels and earrings in preparation to attack a brotha, let me explain.

I’m fully aware it is my responsibility to take care of Miss J. Regardless if you are single or in a committed relationship, it is our duty as men to respect, protect, and uplift the women around us. I’ll spare you from going deeper on this topic, but if you want a more in-depth look on my feelings about the value of women, I strongly suggest you read an entry I posted a few months back.

Where was I? Right, men taking care of women.

What does taking care of women even suggest? It doesn’t literally mean providing everything like you would for a child, instead it simply means man should consciously strive to support his woman emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially the best way possible. I’ve spoken with many married couples and they all agree: relationships are not 50/50, 60/40 or even 70/30 – they are 100/100! Therefore, women share equal part responsibility in providing and caring for their man, as he would for her.

It pays no dividend getting caught up in traditional gender roles because tradition doesn’t address equality. Tradition argues women are “less than” men and belong at home with kids making sure everything is prepared when he comes home; however, ask any Fortune 500 company who have women in power positions and I’d be willing to bet ALL would agree each of them are vital in their success.

Having a woman who isn’t ashamed to pull out her own money and pay for her man is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of support and recognition. She isn’t trying to embarrass you are make you feel less of a man; she is acknowledging that societal pressures don’t have to dictate her actions. She has worked hard to earn her money, so let her do what she would like with her money. And if that means she wants to buy you dinner one night, who are you to stop her?

Who cares if people are looking at you like a deadbeat. Are you dating the people sitting at the next table over? Do they know anything about your relationship? That’s what I figured.

A deadbeat wouldn’t offer to pull out his wallet at every meal nor would he submit this question. You probably have a good woman on your team, so don’t let your ego put you in a position for which you aren’t prepared.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I Just Want to Pay,

Traditionally the man is supposed to pay the bill; it is the sign of a true gentleman. However, it is 2013 and while the old traditions are great it is also okay to make some room for new traditions.

 You have been dating for over a year and your girlfriend has now challenged (what you feel to be) your manhood. Perfectly understandable. You say it makes you uncomfortable, not because you feel like you really want to provide for her; but because you feel as if others are judging you for not paying. My advice? Don’t worry about what other people are thinking. How the bill gets paid is up to you guys. You can’t worry about how others perceive her paying for the bill. It’s none of their business.

Now, let’s try to figure out what is going on in her head. Did anything happen around the time she began wanting to pay for things? A raise at work on her end or pay decrease on yours? Has she been trying to express independence in any other aspects in her life?

Society is going through a major transitional phase and as a result the message to women right now is be independent, but let men handle everything. Work hard, but if you marry right you won’t have to work THAT hard or at all. Make enough money to support yourself, but you shouldn’t have to. You get my point, the message is stuck somewhere between the old way and whatever the new way will be.

My guess is that your girlfriend, like a lot of us, is just trying to break the mold of what society says women are supposed to be. In the process she is also breaking the mold of what society says men should be and the problem is you don’t want your mold broken.

I do not think you need to “get over it” in regards to her paying all the time. If she wants to be an equal, her paying all the time does not solve that problem. Can she pay sometimes? Sure. Can you pay sometimes? Absolutely. You guys need to talk and come up with a middle ground. There is no way for her to pay the entire bill and for you to pay the entire bill at the same time. Something has got to give. Your best bet is probably to split the bill each time. You will both be a little bit out of your comfort zone, but that’s what you do when you are in a relationship. You compromise.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

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How to Make Friends When You are in a Relationship

relationship friends

Q: Dear Love Jays,

How do couples make new friends? What is the appropriate way to make a friend of the opposite sex while in a relationship?

A: Dear I Want Friends Too,

This is a great question!

Finding friends on your own is hard enough. There are so many people in this world, which often results in varying degrees of acquaintances and very few friends.

As a couple, this processes becomes even more difficult. Naturally, the friends you have before your relationship will carry over, unless a particular friend has been more than a friend and your significant other is uncomfortable with your relationship. Couples often like to find other friends who are couples. The challenge with having couple friends is that all four of you have to have some common ground. The easiest way to “meet” couple friends is to start with the people you already know. Maybe someone who has been a close acquaintance has a boyfriend as well. Seize the opportunity and set up a double date. You may find your acquaintance and their significant other are more friend material than you once thought.

*Side Note: If you and your best friend have a significant other  at the same time it is okay if you guys are not  “best couple friends”. As I said before, getting four people with different personalities to actually enjoy each other’s company can prove to be a challenge. Don’t fret, you guys are still best “just us” friends.

The really hard part about making new friends while in a relationship is when each party makes a separate friend. If that friend is of the same sex or should I say, the sex that the person is not attracted to, no problem; however, if that person is of the opposite sex or whatever sex they are attracted to, there can be a little bit of tension.

You should always, and I mean ALWAYS, introduce your significant other to your friends that you hang out with on a one-on-one basis or within an intimate group setting. It is not a requirement, but it would be wise of you to follow this guideline. When you are in a partnership, you want to know who your significant other is spending time with. Girl or boy, it’s normal. Especially when they keep bringing that person up; your natural inclination is to want to put a face to the name. When your significant other meets a new friend of yours, it allows them to witness the friendship on their own without having to figure out how to ask you questions they feel uncomfortable asking or developing unnecessary insecurities. Just introduce them.

Now onto the part about friends the opposite sex…

For friendships you had prior to your relationship:

  1. If they are attracted to you in any way, you probably should not be hanging out with them.
  2. If you are attracted to them in any way, you probably should not be hanging out with them.
  3. If they are disrespectful towards your relationship and/or your significant other, you probably should not be hanging out with them.

For new friendships with the opposite sex:

  • Make sure your significant other is comfortable with the friendship.
  • Refer to rules 1-3 of “friendships you had prior to your relationship”

The rest of the details can be worked out with you and your boyfriend/girlfriend.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

A: Dear Friendships in Relationships,

Friendships are an essential part of everyone’s life. School, work, parties, networking mixers – we often find ourselves seeking out others who have similar interests. The vast majority of these people often get grouped as acquaintances, yet there are a select few who we actually consider friends. And no, I’m not talking about Facebook friends. I’m referring to the people we actually speak with on the telephone and genuinely care about their well-being, hobbies, personal life, family, etc. You get the gist.

Anyone who knows me will probably agree that I’m very outgoing and social. I’m the guy who sparks up a conversation with just about anyone who is willing to talk. Literally. Grocery store, restaurant, sporting event, bar/lounge…pick a spot and the chances are very high I will engage in at least one conversation with a stranger.

Sidebar: I wasn’t the biggest fan of the whole “never talk to strangers” lesson. Grant it, the statement is directed toward children, but the way some people act when you try to say hello, you would think it still applies for fully functioning adults.

These interactions typically don’t amount to much of anything, but there have been a few occasions when the person (almost always a woman) I’m speaking with fully engages in the subject matter. What’s typically a 30-second exchange has now turned into a 15-minute conversation mixed with good dialogue and laughter. We continue talking until one of us has that “we’ve been talking for a minute” moment, tell each other to have a good day/night, then drop the “it was good talking to you, too” comment before walking away.

What’s the point of I’m trying to make? Out of respect for my relationship, I was perfectly content with the conversation and didn’t feel the need to “make a new a friend”. I accepted it for what it really was – a good conversation with what seemed to be a good person. I’m sure if we hung out a few more times and got to know each other better, we could be friends…but is it necessary?

I have yet to find the rulebook detailing the right or wrong way to make new friends while in a relationship. At the end of the day, it boils down to respect. Despite our best efforts, we typically know how to exercise good judgment. How you meet someone and where you meet them will definitely play a role in deciding if this is a friendship worth developing.

Miss J and I have formed new friendships, some of the opposite sex, upon leaving college (where 90% of our friends were mutual), yet none have caused any issues within our relationship. We were very open in communicating who these people were and left the element of surprise out of the equation.

If you are actively looking to form new friendships while in a relationship, I recommend seeking out people who share common ground. I love my single friends, but sometimes I just can’t do all the things my single friends do. Regardless of your mix of friends, it’s imperative to have friends who respect and support your relationship.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

 

© LoveJays 2013

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Celibacy and Sexual Intimacy

 

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I am currently in a celibate relationship as well. My partner is a virgin, but I am not. We engage in other sexual activities, but no penetration of any kind. Although all of my past relationships have included sex, this has been the best relationship I’ve ever had. She is totally worth the wait; whenever that may be. While I’m not sure of the level of your celibacy, how do you keep the sexual intimacy in your relationship? Mr. J, as a man, how do you wrestle with the urges?

A: Dear Practicing Celibacy and Maintaining Sexual Intimacy,

A breath of fresh air! It’s always nice to read about other couples who practice celibacy. Funny to think back when I was completely against it – I vividly remember poking fun at one of my college teammates (dozens of times) for doing the exact same thing I would eventually do a couple of years later. Oh, the irony of life!

For those who are unfamiliar, Miss J and I haven’t always practiced celibacy. We were sexually active throughout the first four years of our relationship and felt (literally) it was time to change our ways in May 2012. We decided to remove all sexual activities from our appetite and kissing has become the fireworks of our relationship. There have definitely been moments when I wanted to round 1st base and head to 2nd or slide into 3rd, but each time, we have remained in control and stuck to our commitment.

I used to believe sex was the only way to be sexually intimate with Miss J. That is it’s purpose, right? Who could argue anything better than the moments of extreme passion shared when engaging in sex? While I wouldn’t argue against either, I will confidently say that practicing celibacy has given me a far better understanding of what intimacy really means. Removing all the sexual extras forces you to find new ways of being intimate.

Kissing. Rubbing. Hugging. Cuddling.

It’s so easy to take these actions for granted, but when it’s the only action available, you slowly gain an appreciation for those shared moments. I’m not even talking about long, drawn out processes either. A simple, heartfelt kiss lasting ten seconds will give me an emotional satisfaction far greater than it had in the past. When we get in the bed at night and our bodies cuddle against each other, I feel her love and passion. It’s a different feeling…a genuine and special feeling.

As for wrestling sexual urges, it’s important to identify the emotion and act accordingly. Self-control is key. Most of the time, I just get off the bed and walk around or go watch television/surf the internet. You just have to learn how to put yourself on timeout. If these don’t work, go spend some alone time and “relieve yourself” (Details not included). Exercise works, too. Getting in a good game of basketball at the local LA Fitness has yet to let me down.

Keep on keepin’ on!

Mr. J

A: Dear Seeking Sexual Intimacy,

I am going to cut right to the chase.

I understand celibacy can be difficult, especially considering you have had sex before. No sir, it is not easy and guess what? You are not supposed to be satisfied sexually!

I know it is hard especially when you care about someone so much, it’s natural to want to express that love and desire physically. Focus that energy on other aspects of your relationship. You would be surprised how many other ways there are to be intimate that don’t involve anything sexual.

I am not going to lie, it is going to be a struggle.  You are human after all; but like you said, she is worth the wait. When the time comes I doubt your sexual intimacy will suffer. 1) Because you will be connected on a much deeper level and 2) because you will want each other like crazy!

Keep pushing!

Love,

Miss J

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Casual Sex Solution?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

In today’s modern American society it feels like you have to be in a relationship to have sex without negative stigmas being attached to it. If you are single and having lots of sex, whether you are a guy or a girl, people develop negative opinions about you as a person, calling you a “slut” or a “manwhore.” I don’t want to be in a relationship, but I also don’t want to miss out on one of life’s greatest pleasures. Is there an elegant solution?

A: Dear Casually Sexin’,

We currently live in a hypersexualized society. From the ads saturating the digital media platforms to the songs aired on the radio, sexual innuendos bombard our senses 24/7. What use to be an act of privacy, respect and love has now been marketed as cool, flashy and powerful. And to make matters worse, more and more young people (not teenagers, KIDS) are engaging in sexual activities.

It’s hard to deny that sex is one of life’s greatest pleasures. No need to go into details here, but the majority of those who have participated in the act will probably agree. I like to compare sex to alcohol. If you wait until the proper age and handle it responsibly, few problems (if any) will arise. If you handle it irresponsibly and ignore the consequences that may follow, sex shifts from life’s greatest pleasure to life’s greatest vice.

It’s important to handle sex with care and have an open flow of communication with your sexual partner(s). Regardless what some will argue, sex entails more than just the physical “feel good”. Emotions will play a role some place down the line, so be mindful of the people you choose to sleep with and the reasons behind it. If everyone is on the same page, I’m all for it.

In regards to the “slut” or “manwhore” comments, let people have their opinions. If people kept their sexual lives private and stopped broadcasting it to the world (friends, social media) or wear it as an honor badge on their sleeve, people wouldn’t be in a position to make such comments. Show the decency to respect others and most importantly, yourself. If the negative comments are starting to take their toll, maybe it’s time to reexamine your actions and decide if you are happy the way you are living.

Be you. Be happy. Be comfortable.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I Just Want to Have Fun,

Well, as people say: Opinions are like butt-holes, everyone has one.

If you are comfortable and confident in your lifestyle than who cares what anyone else thinks?  Let’s look at it this way, would you really be doing anyone any favors if you were to enter into a relationship just for the sake of having sex with one individual? Probably not.

I am celibate and from the outside looking in it may look like I am a prude, but that’s far from the truth. If I concerned myself with how people viewed my decision I would probably be back to doing to the do by now.

As long as you are safe, feel good about yourself and have consenting partners, I see nothing wrong with you living your life the way you see fit. After all it is YOUR life.

Love,

Miss J 

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Does Coffee Always Have To Be A Date?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

 I was wondering about this illustrious coffee date. I know it’s supposed to be simple, but it still confuses. Coffee is my go-to. I’ll take my best friend (boy and girl best friend) to coffee and I’ll take a “date” there. But if I want to go with a friend to just test the waters… is it still a date? What are some “non-date” activities when getting to know someone better so that they don’t jump to conclusions?

A: Dear Looking for “Non-Date” Activities,

The good ‘ole coffee date. Easily, without fail, the easiest and cheapest way to hang out with a friend or potential love interest. The atmosphere is always right, you can typically find a comfy sofa to sit on and purchase a little bite to eat without having to look at an illustrious menu. I would recommend finding a local “mom and pop” coffee shop over the typical Starbucks or Coffee Bean – switch it up and be original.

If you are looking to test the waters with someone, I would still recommend going to coffee. If they decide to jump to conclusions and make it “datey”, that’s on them. How you approach someone is the most important aspect of eliminating the confusion on whether or not it’s a date. If you are sweating bullets, fumbling your words, avoiding eye-contact or rubbing your clammy hands on the side of your jeans, chances are you may tip the other person off on how you feel. Find a way to mention it within a normal conversation, so it doesn’t seem out of the blue. You can always act as if you are in a hurry to go somewhere and simply suggest coffee to finish up the conversation. It’s easy and most people won’t think twice about it.  Moral of the story – if you’re awkward, it becomes awkward.

As for other “non-date” activities, keep it social. Invite some friends over for a movie or game night. Go to a happy hour and have some drinks. The more people around, the less “datey” it will feel. If none of those sound fun, you can always stalk their social media accounts and find out all the information you would need. I wouldn’t recommend the stalk approach, but it is becoming increasingly popular.

Cheers!

Mr. J

A: Dear When Coffee is a Date,

Coffee, ice cream, happy hour or day “dates”. They can all be a very noncommittal way to get to know a person, or they can be as serious as a true first date. The difference between the two is up to you.

The best way to keep someone from jumping to conclusions is to be clear about your intentions. You do not have to blatantly say, “I am not sure if I am into you that way so this is JUST coffee.” But you can say something along the lines of “Let’s meet up later this week and grab drinks. I have [insert whatever activity you clearly have to go to alone] to go to right after, but I’ve got an hour to spare and I’d love to pick your brain about [insert whatever topic].” This way the person knows you have limited amount of time and you will indeed JUST be having drinks/coffee/ice cream etc.

If that is still a little too “datey” for you go for the friend tactic, but be careful how you execute this plan as well. If you invite someone to hang out alone with just you and your close friends they are going to think you like them. Make sure you invite them to an event or something where there will be plenty of people and tell them to bring friends too.

Hopefully this helps! 

 Love,

Miss J 

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