Posted on

The Case of the Broke Boo

Q: Dear Love Jays,

My boo is BROKE.

He has no money, no car, no job…and in the beginning I didn’t like it, but tried not to be superficial. I loved the way he treated me and I would offer to pay for things, meals,etc. Besides those things, he is damn near perfect. I never thought it bother me this much. In a relationship, I want to be able to travel, go to the movies, etc. Now, since we have been together for quite sometime, I feel I was completely wrong in starting this pattern. He has been applying for jobs and got a few interviews.

I understand he is going through a rough time and because I love him I do want to support him, but at the same time, I’m not comfortable or okay with doing this. This is eating away at my ego and my womanhood because I feel me paying for things trickles down to our relationship roles. I want to be the woman in the relationship and I want to be pampered. At this point I have no idea how to stop this. I want to offer and pay but then I don’t because I feel the values instilled in me as a child was that the man always pays.

A: Dear Broke as a Joke,

This question is very intriguing to me because we just received a similar question a couple of weeks ago, but it was from the male prospective. He couldn’t get his girlfriend to stop paying and you can’t get your boyfriend to start paying.

Financial stability plays a major role within relationships, I wish it didn’t, but unfortunately, it does matter. Money allows us to buy what we need to survive. So essentially, money=survival. Ugh, I have always hated math.

Let’s get to the meat of your question. You say you love him, he is trying to find work, but he is broke; you want to be able to do things that require money and you want to play the traditional woman role in the relationship. Is that everything?  Here are some things you need to ask yourself.

*WRITE YOUR RESPONSES DOWN WITH PEN AND PAPER SO YOU CAN GET A GOOD VISUAL.*

  1. You love him. Why and is that enough for you?
  2. He is trying to find work. How hard is he trying and does he even want a job?
  3. He is broke. Is he okay/comfortable with being broke?
  4. You want to be able to do things that require both parties to have an income. Have you seriously discussed these desires with your man? If so, what was his response? Did he hop on board or did he just have a “whatever” attitude about it?
  5. You want to feel like a woman and be pampered. Do you really need a man for that?

These may look like simple questions, but they are very important and harder to answer than you think. Be completely honest with yourself. Do not beat yourself up over how you truly feel. Sometimes people are with a quality person, but they just are not compatible. Personally, I am all about teamwork within a relationship. I believe each person should contribute as much as they can to the relationship, gender roles aside.

Conversely, if you did want to play into gender roles while it is standard for the woman to be “taken care of” as the man works, it is also standard for a woman to be her man’s backbone when he falls short.

Whether you are a man or woman, it can be frustrating when your partner is not pulling their weight. It causes you to become unbalanced as a couple and I think that’s why you are feeling so conflicted. You are not wrong in wanting what you want, your real task lies in determining whether or not your partner TRULY wants the same thing.

Love,

Miss J

Dear Dating A Broke Man,

Love is a powerful bond that can withstand just about anything; however, it’s important to understand that financial issues are at the center of many broken relationships and marriages.

Tradition has argued, just as your parents instilled in you, men should always pay for their woman. If I were to stop and poll 100 random men on the street, I’m sure most of them would prefer to pick up the tab for their lady. I, too, would like to pay for Miss J every time we go out to eat, but following tradition doesn’t always mirror reality.

Would you prefer your man to open a credit card, spending money he doesn’t own or would you prefer to pick up the slack while he looks for a stable income?

When you decided to date him, you ALREADY KNEW he didn’t have a job, a car or money; it was all right in front of you. You willingly entered a relationship with a man who could provide emotional support, not financial support. If being wined and dined or traveling was a major priority for you, why would you start the relationship?

You mentioned he is looking for jobs and was able to land some interviews, yet nothing has come to surface. Have you had a conversation with him expressing your frustration? If not, it’s time to sit your man down and explain that you are struggling to maintain the financial load. Unless you want to break with him, DO NOT attack him. When a man feels his manhood being challenged, we most often times shut down and ignore everything that’s said. Be encouraging and supportive, yet straightforward and honest.

Love,

Mr. J

P.S. Miss J and I made a vlog about this very topic…go ahead and take a look at this video.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQBC2j3kNOA]

Have a Question for the Love Jays?

[contact-form][contact-field label=’Submit Questions Anonymously Below: ‘ type=’textarea’/][/contact-form]

© LoveJays 2013

Posted on

Dating Outside My Race

Dear Love Jays,

I’d like to date outside of my race, but I feel I’d be uncomfortable going to somewhere like a country bar. Any suggestions?

Dear A Tad Uncomfortable,

Dating outside of your race may be difficult or uncomfortable…if you allow for it. This past weekend, we featured an interracial couple on our radio show and asked if they had experienced any negativity for dating outside of their race. Their answer? Once they passed the threshold of real love, it wasn’t even a thing considered.

“For those people who feel a lot of pressure, it’s because they are insecure and they are looking for reasons to why this might not work in the future.” -MC Prototype

Some cultures are much more accepting of dating outside of race, while others have very strong opinions against it. I’m all for embracing our culture and respecting family beliefs and values, but love is love; we all have different paths toward finding it and the person(s) made right for us could very well be a different color.

Getting out of your comfort zone isn’t easy; it requires us to open our minds and embrace vulnerability. However, remaining in a safe space only allows for minimal growth and countless of missed opportunities. Open yourself to the possibilities of something different and do it with a smile! If it makes you feel at ease, I went to a country bar a few times in college and enjoyed myself each and every time; I even learned how to line dance…kind of.

Love,

Mr. J

A:Dear Ready to Try Something New,

It is common to want to experience something new and unfamiliar in the dating world and otherwise. I think instead of aiming to date outside of your race it may be better to be open to dating outside of your race. No need to go fishing. You want something to happen organically.

If you are uncomfortable going to a “country bar”, then it makes no sense to go looking for someone to date there. If you are looking to get out of your comfort zone completely, that’s okay. But realize you more than likely will be returning to more “country bars” in the future.

In my opinion, the same rules still apply. You want to find someone with whom you are compatible and share similar interest with. People of all races are into all types of thing. I am sure there are plenty of people outside of your race at a number of places you would normally go. Love of all colors can happen anywhere, not just at places that you know will have a plethora of a particular race. Stay true to you. Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

[contact-form][contact-field label=’Submit Questions Anonymously Below:’ type=’textarea’/][/contact-form]

Posted on

Online Dating?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

How do you feel about online dating?

A: Dear Love Online,

If you asked me this question a couple of years ago I probably would have said something like, “why would you sign up for a site when you can just go hang out somewhere and meet someone?” When you are in college, or in any type of school you are exposed to new faces all of the time.I didn’t understand how hard it is to meet people, especially when you are working all day every day.

Technology has found a way to work itself into most aspects of our lives, why not let it play a role in the dating game? I think it’s okay to meet someone online, but I do think that it is important to practice the following technique:

  1. Make sure they are not a crazy person.
  2. Make sure they are who they say they are.
  3. Meet them in person (you don’t want to get Manti Te’od)
  4. Meet in a public place-a very very public place
  5. Go with your gut. Just because you meet someone through a site and everything lines up on paper does not mean you are going to have a magical connection in person. Know when to leave good enough alone.

Other than that, I think dating online will have a similar if not the same results as meeting someone at the local library. You will either like them and you will keep seeing each other or you wont. Just stay smart and be safe.

Love,

Miss J

Dear Internet Lovin’,

Technology has paved the way for humans to develop connections with friends or complete strangers in just about every way. It’s very easy to spend a couple of hours surfing through various different social media platforms and come across people who may catch our eye. If you love pictures or sharing thoughts in 140 characters or less, Twitter or Instagram #hashtags may connect you with people who have similar interests and hobbies. If those aren’t your thing, head on over to Facebook and scroll through your news feed or view a friends’ photo album hoping (intentionally or unintentionally) to stumble across one of their friends who “looks good”. If you haven’t done this at least once since creating an account, you’re lying.

What do all of these social media sites have in common? Each of them allow their users to directly communicate with one another; built-in messaging systems make introductions easy to whomever we see fit and give hope to those too afraid to speak with someone in person. And if you want to kick it up a notch, create a profile on one of the dozens of online dating sites.

Match.com. E-Harmony. Plenty of Fish. OkCupid. Zoosk. The list goes on.

The possibilities for meeting a potential love interest on the internet are virtually limitless and if you choose to go this route, I don’t see anything wrong. And neither should you or anyone else! The path to love is different for everyone and technology has only created more paths in finding it. As with everything on the internet, it’s important to exercise caution and a bit of common sense; the last thing you want is an appearance on the Katie Couric show explaining your Catfish story.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

Have a Question for the Love Jays?

[contact-form][contact-field label=’Submit Questions Anonymously Below: ‘ type=’textarea’/][/contact-form]

© LoveJays 2013

Posted on

She Needs to Back Off!

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 3 months. We go to a few of the get-togethers that my friends have and everyone knows we are a couple. There is this girl who is not necessarily a friend of mine, but is a friend of a friend who is typically around in these social settings. I never had a problem with her, but lately I have noticed how she tries to get my boyfriend’s attention A LOT.  There were times I noticed it and brushed it off because I trust my boyfriend, and also, I don’t want to be “that one” who thinks every female wants her man. The first time I noticed it I laughed because I couldn’t believe she was being extra, but then the next time it happened it was so blatantly obvious.

I guess my question is how do we deal with this kind of person. For me, the respect level is lacking and that’s where the frustrating part is coming from.

Dear Flirting With My Man,

Miss J told me loooong ago that women are naturally attracted to committed men. She went on to explain several reasons why this is indeed true, all of which made perfectly good sense. We have revisited the conversation a few times over the course of our relationship and it has helped make me more aware of womanly intentions.

Men love getting attention from women, myself included. Better yet, we all love getting attention from the opposite sex. Women just do a MUCH better job of explaining they aren’t interested or keeping it more low-key. The second option isn’t the recommended choice, but let’s not pretend we are all innocent.

Although we may dismiss some actions as just “friendly” or “playful”, most men can identify when a woman is looking to quench her thirst. The problem isn’t that we aren’t able to decipher such actions; the problem is that we often choose to ignore these signs which then lead to conflicts, arguments and hurt feelings.

“I, Mr. J, acknowledge my guilt and thank Miss J for communicating her feelings each and EVERY time.”

Advice on how handling these type of people?

  1. Acknowledge their intentions.
  2. Explain their intentions to your boyfriend or girlfriend.
  3. Remind your boyfriend or girlfriend to exercise common sense.
  4. Check your boyfriend or girlfriend when they fail to exercise common sense.
  5. Repeat steps 1-4

Cheers!

Mr. J

Dear Unwelcome Attention,  

Men are more attractive when taken. I personally do not find myself extra attracted to a man who already has a woman, but many females do. I think it has something to do with knowing that man has the ability to be in a committed relationship. Very twisted way of thinking if you ask me, but hey, it is what it is.

Unfortunately, you cannot do anything to control what is going on outside of your relationship, but you do have a say for what goes on inside of your relationship. If this girl is really a problem speak to your boyfriend about it. Let him know you are not jealous and you trust him completely; however, her lack of respect for your relationship is bothersome. This is where the teamwork aspect of the relationship comes in. Once you bring her behavior to his attention you two can come up with a way to deal with her together.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

[contact-form][contact-field label=’Submit Questions Anonymously Below:’ type=’textarea’/][/contact-form]

© LoveJays 2013

Posted on

Dating a Higher Up

Q: Hi, Love Jays!

How do you feel about dating co-workers, especially ones that are higher up than you? I’ve been flirting a lot with someone that I work with and it constantly feels like we are dancing around this line that we know we probably shouldn’t cross but want to. Any advice?

A: Dear Dating a Higher Up,

‘Tis the season for dating in the workplace!

I’ll get right to my thoughts and spare you of another long winded intro about the same topic we answered a few hours prior in a different post.

I’m definitely open to the idea of dating in the workplace and don’t think any less of those who use work as their primary feeding ground to pick up men or women. It’s easy and convenient; completely understand. On the flip side, I encourage people to exercise caution when deciding to date one of their co-workers, especially if they have a direct influence over you.

Say the two of you started dating, things go south, then he/she uses their position to make your job a nightmare. Would you be okay with such a consequence? It’s easy to overlook the negative outcomes when we’re blinded by our emotions.

Be honest with yourself. Do you enjoy working at your job? Can you see yourself here for many years? Are you willing to risk ruining a possible promotion? Does everyone know each other’s business? These are the types of questions you have to answer when deciding if the two you should start dating. If you weighed out the pros/cons and it feels like the right thing to do, go for it!

YOLO, right?

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Should I Date My Co-Worker, 

To avoid being way to0 repetitive for one day, I will simply say “What Mr. J said.” 🙂 

Good Luck! 

Love, 

Miss J

Have a Question for the Love Jays?

[contact-form][contact-field label=’Submit Questions Anonymously Below: ‘ type=’textarea’/][/contact-form]

© LoveJays 2013

Posted on

He’s My Co-Worker and He Might Have a Girlfriend…

 

Q: Dear Love Jays,

We all know the old adage:”Don’t shit where you eat.” But things are changing, right? Dating co-workers is… kind of okay, right? There’s this guy that I’ve recently started talking to and we’ve been working together on a couple of projects lately. On these projects, he’s a little bit more of my superior. Is that okay to date him? Also, he might possibly have a girlfriend. What is there to lose but at the same time, how invested do I really get?

A: Dear Co-Worker with a Girlfriend…Maybe,

I am going to keep this short and sweet. You said, “he might possibly have a girlfriend”. Stop there. Does he have a girlfriend, yes or no? That is a very important piece of information. If he does, you have everything to lose. I am going to tell you what a wise woman once told me. How you get a man is how you lose a man. You are more than welcome to be his friend, but have respect for his relationship. If you feel you are unable to do so, cease-fire.

Moving on, In my current workplace several of my co-workers are married and they met while working here. A workplace relationship can definitely work. With that said, if you are just looking for a fling/good time I would caution against it.

Hope this helps! 

Love,

Miss J 

A:Dear Dating in the Workplace,

Dating one of your co-workers is commonly frowned upon and often discouraged. Our place of employment is somewhere we go to make a decent living, improve upon our skill sets, and possibly make some new friends.

I’m sure we have all been told at one point or another to keep our work life and personal life separate; however, I find it a bit unrealistic to ask people to avoid letting the 40-50+ hours we spend with other people not to have some cross influence. I definitely agree there’s a definitive line of what we should/shouldn’t discuss with our co-workers nor fall victim into believing everyone we work with is a friend, but let’s acknowledge the simple fact that our work life and personal life aren’t 100% independent from one another.

Onto my opinion.

I’m definitely open to the idea of dating in the workplace, but if the person we are interested in dating has a direct influence on our day-to-day job and responsibilities, I would caution against it. Regardless of how “cool” our supervisors act or how laxed the work environment is designed, our place of employment is a business and we should exercise good sense when making certain decisions. How does the old saying go? “It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt.” It’s very possible the two of you could end up dating without it negatively effecting your work situation, but you would be doing yourself a disservice by not assessing the consequences on both sides.

Oh, and to answer your question on what is there to lose…your job, maybe? Just a thought. It’s extreme and unlikely, I understand. Still, it’s something to think about! One more thing…let’s not forget to acknowledge the possibility that he may have a girlfriend.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

Have a Question for the Love Jays?

[contact-form][contact-field label=’Submit Questions Anonymously Below: ‘ type=’textarea’/][/contact-form]

© LoveJays 2013