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The Case of the Open Relationship

Q: Dear Love Jays,

For younger couples-

Since this a time focused on discovery and growth, Do you think open relationships can be succesful?

A: Dear Open Relationship,

Open relationships…people really have these? Oops, let me get to the question.

Can open relationships be successful? Sure. Will open relationships typically turn into a serious and loving relationship? I’ll bet against it.

Open relationships are poor excuses for people who aren’t mature enough to make a serious commitment. Why even waste the energy to be in an “open relationship” when you will most likely act the same if your were single? I understand it’s nice to have someone who you can talk to everyday, hang out with often and satisfy each others physical desires; however, there comes a point when one of the parties involved will start developing emotions much stronger than the “open relationship” contract allows. It’s a ticking time bomb that is waiting to explode. I am all for people using their 20’s as a time to focus on discovery and growth, so if that is truly what you are focused on, let’s not waste anyone’s time with a pseudo-relationship.

If you want a relationship – embrace all the aspects of one. If you aren’t ready to embrace that role, that’s okay. Enjoy the precious moments of the single life – discover yourself, go on dates, meet new people, act a fool and tell everyone on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram or any other social media platform that’s on your iPhone!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Open for business, 

That’s a tough call. As a female I would argue it depends on whose idea it is. If it is the male’s call and the female’s intention is to go along with it until he is ready to commit I don’t think it will ever turn into anything of substance. If it is the female’s call and the reason is for discovery and growth (with the intention of eventually making it work) I think it is easier for a male to go along with that without getting to emotionally invested before the right time. It’s just a fact of life, men and women have different emotional makeup, be it nature or nurture we are different and what we can handle and how long we can handle it depends heavily on that fact.  If you are both on the same page then more power to you! I think it is manageable, but I also think in the end someone always end up getting hurt. Let me put it this way, either one of you has ever said “You can do whatever you want outside of what we have, I just don’t want to hear about it”  it is not going to end well.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

 

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Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I am currently in a relationship and we are very comfortable with one another. We stopped going out and “dating” as much as we used to. I am less motivated because I have my prize, don’t get me wrong I love her, but we are both bored. What can we do to spice things up?

A: Dear Missing Spice, 

Complacency is one of the biggest factors in the demise of a relationship. On second thought…besides cheating, complacency may be the reason why relationships fail. Complacency leads to boredom. Boredom leads to irritation. Irritation will ultimately lead to the “I’m over this” mentality. Once you have reached this way of thinking – the relationship is over.

In the three and half years Joy and I dated before our 2 month split (Lord knows I was miserable during those months despite all efforts I made to enjoy the single life), I put forth very little effort to try and “spice things” up. Like you, I had what I wanted. I didn’t feel the need to go the extra mile – this selfish behavior ultimately led to our split. Luckily, I got on the good foot quick and the two of us are committed more than ever to constantly redefine our relationship and find new ways to fall in love all over again. Key emphasis on “two of us” – it takes both parties to keep the relationship thriving.

As for ways to spice things up: focus on the little things. When was the last time you bought her a “just because” gift? How about the movie she has been begging you to watch with her, yet you have refused? Gone on a weekend getaway? Actually had a romantic date? Told her you she was beautiful even though her physical appearance may be saying the exact opposite? It’s the little things that have the biggest impact.

Spend the next couple days listening (not hearing) to what she says. Find clues. Engage in conversation. Execute! You will be surprised how easy it truly can be! I’ll leave you with a line from one of my favorite Usher songs (I’m talking old Usher – not this techno/pop/confused Usher), “It’s the simple things in life we forget. You hear her talkin’, but don’t hear what she said. Why do you make something so easy so complicated. Searching for what’s right in front of your face, but you can’t see it!” Good luck. friend!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Spiceless, 

Lil Wayne said it best “Don’t you. Ever. Get too. Comfortableeee.” (ok, maybe that isn’t the best line ever, but it applies) We have all experienced a relationship rut or two. They typically come right after the climax of a relationship high because both parties involved are under the impression that the relationship bliss will maintain itself. Laziness…It happens and it is normal, but nonetheless it is a pain in the butt. The good news is that there is an easy fix, all you need is a little E-F-F-O-R-T! I understand it is hard to muster up the motivation, but once you do it will be worth it. Pay close attention to the things your partner says. For example if she says “ I really need my bathroom painted” suggest going to the store to pick out paint and to top it off the next morning by having her wake up to you painting her bathroom. She will then be more inclined to do something special for you. Before you know it voilà! Your spark will be back.   The magic of relationships lies within appreciation, the spark lies within what you can both do to contribute in a positive way to the relationship. Relationships are are a full time job in which the payment is love. Get to work!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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To Tell or Not to Tell?

Q: Dear Love Jays, 

So I met this really nice, cute, intelligent , good personality, the list could go on type of guy. We haven’t been talking very long but so far things have been going good. Here is the catch I just recently found out that his good friend is a guy I sort of hooked up with u can say . what do I do? Do I tell him or just let them figure it out?

A: Dear I kind-of sort-of hooked up with his friend:

The most important factor in this question is the following: how long ago did you hook up with his friend? If it was a few months ago – who cares! If we are talking a few days ago or maybe even a few weeks ago, that may raise a few eyebrows.

One-and-done hookups typically don’t mean much (for some people at least), so it should be safe to say that none of this is an issue and bringing it up for conversation would serve almost no purpose. I must admit though, men are territorial and tend to gossip more than women, so if the hookup was good or bad, I’ll bet the house your current interest will probably know about it! Just sit back, relax and carry-on things as normal. If he brings it up – discuss it; I’m sure the conversation won’t last longer than 10 seconds!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear What he Doesn’t Know, 

Yes, you have to tell him! If you don’t, best believe his friend will. It is man code. A female will sit and watch her friend fall in love with a guy she hooked up with without saying a word, but a man…forget about it. In fact, he may already know. The sooner you tell him the better. The longer you go without telling him the more it will make you look bad when the truth comes out and believe me the truth WILL eventually come out. It always does. It doesn’t have to be a long convo, just sit him down and let him know. You don’t have to go into all the gory details. Chances are whether he knows or not he will appreciate you being up front. Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

 

© LoveJays 2012

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Waiting to have “The Talk”

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have been dating a guy for a few months now, long distance. We talk and text almost every day. I have had a few opportunities to “hook up” with other guys but have turned them down because I care a lot about this guy. The thing is, we haven’t had a talk to find out if we want to be exclusive. I don’t necessarily want to do it over the phone, especially because he is going through a transition period in his life where there are a lot of things on his plate. I don’t want to add another stress to his mind right now. My question is, should I wait until we are in person to have “the talk?”

A: Dear “The Talk”,

If you are smiling and happy with your current situation, I would not recommend initiating “the talk” over the phone. The last thing any guy wants to discuss (let alone over the phone) is defining whether or not the relationship should be exclusive. As men, we have been programmed to ride the non-exclusive wave all the way to the shore. The good news is that the two of you have been dating for a few months, so when you decide to initiate the conversation, it shouldn’t be a surprise; however, be prepared for good or bad news. I am not hinting in either direction, so don’t worry!

Just remember this – even though you have been “dating” for some months, each of you are still single and obligated to have fun. Don’t judge him for any actions or behaviors until “the talk” happens.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Patiently Waiting,

Yes! Wait! I know it is hard, but either way it will be worth it. Men need time to make an emotional decision and a certain amount of calm. When they have a lot going on, especially in a life transition, it is difficult for them to make the right decision. You could either end up in a relationship he was not ready to commit to because he felt he needed to make a decision asap, or he could end up saying he doesn’t want anything serious because he feels he is forced to make a decision asap. Things are also more difficult over the phone, it is very easy to misinterpret what people are saying. Face to face you will be able to look into his eyes, gauge where he really is emotionally and go from there.

If you feel the time is right, have “the talk”. Try not to rush into it, or make him feel like he HAS to answer right away.  Bring it up, let him know you are serious, dedicated, and you would like to see your relationship flourish. Also, make it clear you really enjoy him, but you do not think you can continue the way you have been going because your feelings have grown. Do not, under any circumstances “threaten” him into the relationship. Give him a day to think about it and remain as patient as possible. He will appreciate you for respecting the fact he is going through a transition and did not force him to make a decision on the spot; with that said 24 hours is plenty of time to come up with an answer. If he is not sure after a full day of careful deliberation leave it alone and let him come after you when he is ready. He may never be ready, he may be ready when it is too late, or he will be ready right on time. The most important thing is for you to do your part and do well. Good luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Can I Get Your Number? Can I have it?!

This One is for the guys…

We have all see the “Can I get yo numba” skit on Mad TV and shared a few laughs, but the reality is that ACTUALLY happens. Though I do appreciate the opinion of Mr. J, I am curious to know what you all think. What makes a woman approachable? I am not talking about being hit on, I mean coming correct so to speak. I myself am no stranger to being hit on, but it is on rare occasion a man actually approaches me the correct way. You may ask, what exactly is the “correct way” don’t fret, I will break it down. Now of course on such occasions I promptly tell them I am happily taken, but none the less it is a much less annoying experience when approached the correct way. In my experience there are 5 types of men and they are as follows:

 1. The ‘Trifflin’ One 

We have all seen him, at the club, on the street, at the mall, in the gym…seriously they are EVERYWHERE! They always get just a little too close to you and it usually goes a little something like this…“ Ay Ma, I’m sayin though let do this” Pause. I am not your mother and do what exactly? I never respond well to this. Ever. At best you will receive a side eye and if you catch me in a really good mood I may just laugh. The kicker is is when they refuse to go away and they start walking with you, in which case you let them know you have a boyfriend (whether you do or don’t). Almost every time, without fail they say “Well do you have room for anymore friends?” Sir…you clearly have no interest in being my friend.No.

 2. The ‘I’m too Infatuated to Communicate Effectively’ One 

Though it is not the worst thing to be extremely attracted to someone, if it has been over an hour and you are still enamored it tells me you can’t see past that. Beauty is fleeting and so is infatuation. Next!

 3.The ‘Act Like I want to be Your Friend but that was Never My Intention’ One 

You know the deal, you are somewhere hanging out. You find a spot away from all the other thirsty men and all of the sudden here another one comes…so you think. He actually just asks to sit down and you start with small talk. You think “phew” and automatically put him in the friend zone and deem him as harmless. As the conversation wraps up he asks for your number, which wouldn’t be so bad had he not text/called you right away just to make sure it is you. Ugh I can’t stand the sneak attack! ALL BAD.

 4. The “The I actually have potential, but not enough guts to approach you” One

He stares at you from afar and you stare back, but that’s it. End of Story.

 5. The “I actually know how to approach a woman” One 

This is the guy that walks up with confidence. He introduces himself, his intentions are clear, but respectful. You speak briefly and he suggest you meet up at a later date and you exchange numbers. Now is that so hard? Perfect. *That was the breakdown, so simple*

I am sure there are various other approaches, but these are the approaches I am most familiar with. I am happily taken, but each time I experience scenarios 1-4 I can’t help but feel for my single female friends. Guys, what determines what kind of approach you will have, that is if you decide to approach at all. What deters you from being a gentlemen with clear and respectful intentions every single time? Ladies feel free to get in on this too!

Looking forward to your input!

Love,

Miss J

* Check out Mr. J’s rebuttal here.

 

© LoveJays 2012

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Doing your Part

Q: Two year ago, my boyfriend of six years and I moved in together. Living together has been bliss- minus a few very minor points of contention. I am overly tidy (some might argue OCD) and I find myself infuriated by a wet towel on the door knob or water on the bathroom counter or a dish in the sink instead of in the dishwasher. I don’t want to be a nag since I know that I tend to overreact to these small things. What do I do?

A: Dear Ms. I May Have OCD:

 Might have OCD? Just accept it – you probably have some OCD circulating through your blood.

The good news is that you and I suffer the same genetic imbalance that causes us to experience high levels of emotional irritation when it comes to rather simple behaviors. I completely understand. You mentioned the two of you have been dating for six years, so I will make the assumption you know each other very well. I could easily argue that your boyfriend should be more conscious of the little things that drive you crazy (because we all know in the end, it’s never the big stuff that drives us to drink), but in his defense, you have to consciously work on not letting these little actions make you infuriated.

One of my biggest pet peeves was when Miss J would step out of the shower and not dry her feet off before stepping on the rug. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was 1 of only 3 people in the world with such a dilemma, so because of that, I had to make the conscious decision to not let something this petty get me so worked up. In a perfect world, your boyfriend would adapt to all the little quirks, but reality is, we are all different. Next time it happens, take a deep breath, smile and think of all thing great things he does to keep you happy. You never know, he may just be waiting for you to no longer react and he actually might adapt to your ways. If not, oh well. You love him anyway!

 Sincerely,

 Mr. J

A: Dear Squeaky Clean, 

In my opinion nagging is just the result of a man listening to what you say, applying it once, then abandoning the idea completely because they feel they have accomplished what you have asked for. When you bring it up again they say you are nagging, they heard you the first time blah blah blah. 

My advice is this, make a list of the things that you ABSOLUTELY cannot stand. I’m talking the major offenders, you see it, cringe, and then you are instantly in a bad mood. Compose a list of all the habits that you are on edge with and have him do the same. You may be surprised by the things he brings up. Sit down and talk it over. See where your boyfriend stands, chances are he is doing all these things subconsciously. Afterwards do not bring it up again, instead hang both of your lists up on the fridge (or any other place you see everyday in your home)  and leave it there for one week (no more and no less). This way you will both be reminded of the habits your partner is not fond of without them having to either continuously “nag” you or without having them fester inside because you are doing something they can’t stand and they feel like they are bothering you if they bring it up. Communication is key, verbal communication is great and necessary but when reinforced in written form it is foolproof! 

Love, 

Miss J 

© LoveJays 2012