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Time to Play House?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

When is your relationship mature enough to handle the next step of moving in together?

A: Dear Living Together,

Cohabitation before marriage…good or bad? Tough call.

When a couple decides to get married, it typically (I use “typically” loosely as a result of how carelessly too many people treat the institution of marriage) means the relationship has matured to a higher level. At this point, I feel a couple is ready to live together. Living together is one of the perks of being married. If you feel you are dating someone who could potentially be your life partner, why wouldn’t you want to wait and enjoy such an experience? I’ve discussed this same question with friends (all of whom are in long-term relationship or married) and most agreed that couples should wait until marriage before cohabiting.

In today’s society, it seems that young people decide to move in together for financial reasons or the “why not?” principle instead of genuinely sitting down with each other to decide why/why not the two of you should live together. Couples who have been dating for a relatively short amount of time (less than 1 year) and are considering moving in together, I would question their intentions. On the other hand, couples who have been dating for 3+ years could probably make a strong case. It truly is a judgement call.

It’s a much bigger decision than what appears on the outside and I strongly suggest couples really take time to analyze the situation before jumping the gun.

In the meantime, check out an opinion piece that appeared in the New York Times in April exploring this exact topic!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Am I Really Ready, 

To live together or not to live together? I struggled with this for some time.

As a working adult who is in charge of her own life and the decisions I make my initial thought was why not?  I love him, I plan to marry him, we have a great time together, and not to mention I could save a good chunk of change on the rent.

Although all those things are true I decided I am simply just not ready. Period. Mr. J and I have been dating for 4 plus years and we know each other very well, but on the other hand we are still young and I felt it would be best for us to really experience what life is like as adults, living on our own. Not to mention I had a miniature spiritual battle as well ( but that’s another story).

If you plan to marry the person you move in with, that’s it. There is no “well it’s been great living with you, but I think I want my own space now. And yes, of course we will continue to date and everything will be fine and dandy”

Honestly moving in with someone you plan to marry is almost as big of a commitment as marrying them. You take a step past tying yourself to that person emotionally. You really have to be ready. It is a personal decision, a mutual decision, but most importantly it is a BIG decision so really think before you act.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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It’s 2012: The 50’s Have Come and Gone

Q: Dear Love Jays,

When my girlfriend and I first got together she pampered me. She gave me massages, made dinner, cleaned my place, did laundry just to name a few. 6 months down the line the pampering has stopped. Is that a sign she is no longer interested in me?

A: Dear I Miss the Pampered Life:

Choo Chooooo!!  Looks like the honeymoon train has reached its destination!

[Insert voice on loudspeaker] “Please grab all of your belongings and exit the train. Upon exiting the train, you will officially begin your relationship. Anticipate many bumps, hills, roundabouts, storms and emotional boiling points along the way!”

The ceasing of the pampered life does not mean she has lost interest. She just may feel “all that extra stuff” is no longer needed or warranted. I am not encouraging this behavior, but it may be sign of an occurring shift in your relationship. Next time the two of you are spending quality time together, jokingly bring it up in conversation. See how she responds. If it’s negative or dismissive, uh-oh! If she jokes back, you’re in the clear.

When was the last time you pampered her? Good deeds don’t go unnoticed. Try paying her some extra attention by “pampering” her. Even if you don’t get it return, a happy woman makes for a happy relationship!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Welcome to the Real World, 

She still likes you. Breathe. Yes, I know you were in relationship bliss for those six months. Who wouldn’t be with a woman that works overtime to spoil you. Well I hope you enjoyed it buddy, because that ship has sailed! The honeymoon is officially over and now you actually have to work for what you want.

I trust you are familiar with the term “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours”? That is exactly what you need to do if you are looking for a little extra TLC.

If you are seriously concerned about the relationship because she has pulled away emotionally as well stopped pampering you then you need to have a conversation about it. Given the timeline I seriously doubt that is the case.

Other than that actions speak louder than words. So light some candles, make some dinner, warm up the massage oil and show her how it is done!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Let it Burn

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I started dating this girl and I really like her. I still have other options available, and I’m not sure if I should burn my bridges. At what point do I stop dating other women casually?

A: Dear When to Burn the Bridges:

Welcome the crossroad every man faces at least once in their lifetime!

If you really like the young lady and can picture yourself in a committed relationship with her in the near future, I recommend leaving the other fishes in the sea alone ASAP. Men constantly feel the need the continue searching for something that “could be” better even if we have something really good right in front of us! We want so bad for our egos (yes, men have multiple egos – don’t try to deny it) to be stroked and to have the option of someone on the back burner just-in-case things don’t turn out as planned. Thinking this way immediately sets you up for failure. Why set something up for failure before it even starts?

You said it yourself – “I really like her.” Emphasis on the singular. Her. Not them.

It’s like going to a restaurant. You open the menu and see several options you want to order, but in the end, you choose the one you really want. You have made the decision on who you really like and now it’s time to try it. Good news -if you don’t like what you ordered, you can always send it back and order something new.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Burn Baby Burn,  

There will always be other females. If the feeling are mutual between you and your prospective mate than let the bridges burn. If you aren’t sure where you guys really stand, talk about it. Have the “are we exclusive” talk. If you really like her that means you are becoming a little more invested and the more it would hurt if you lost her. You don’t want to loose something you really want over something you could have if you wanted it.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Hey, That wasn’t in the Plan!

Q: Dear Love Jays,

My boyfriend and I often discuss/plan our future together (where we want to live, how we’d like to raise our kids, etc). We are on the same page on a number of key issues on raising kids, but I stress over any differences of opinion even though we are talking years away. I’m a planner.  How much is too much detail to get in to about the future? At what point is it better to just let life unfold and see how we deal with things as they come up?

A: Dear Focused on the Future:

I truly have never understood how/why women are so focused on the future. Honestly. I have tried to figure this mystery out for years and every time I am left with a slight headache. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy planning for the future, but planning YEARS in advance? Really?

Let’s do a fun activity (grab a pen and paper): Think back to a year ago (July 2011) and recollect all the plans you made and visions you had about where you were going to be by July 2012. Grab your piece of paper and draw a line down the middle of the page. On the left side of the page, write down all the things you planned on having accomplished by today (this includes your job, living situation, friends, personal goals, etc.). On the right side of the page write down all the things (same as above) that have taken place in the past year. Be sure to include all unplanned occurrences and indicate which things are still the same from 2011 to 2012.

Finished? Let’s review.

Does the right side of the page look anything like the left? How many events occurred between July 2011 to July 2012 that were planned? Unplanned? Did you honestly envision yourself at this exact place a year ago?

The main purpose of this exercise was to demonstrate how little control we have of planning our future – even if it’s only a year away! Stressing out over little details specifically related to the future doesn’t serve much benefit. Change is going to happen – it’s inevitable. What may be a major detail today may not be tomorrow. Discuss the important issues and move from there. If the two of you can see eye-to-eye on the big ticket issues, I’m sure the other “little details” will work themselves out.

Just remember, there is a fine line between planning for the future and preparing for it!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear The Plan is Law, 

As women we love to plan things, it is in our nature. It is sometimes difficult to live in the present because we want to make sure we are prepared for later, especially when it comes to planning your life with a significant other.

Learn how to turn it off, NOW! It is nothing but a pain in the butt. Realistically you can only plan for so much because the future is so uncertain. Yes, you should plan vacations and all things that require booking, but other than that let it go. Let’s say you don’t have any children and you don’t “plan” on having any for at least 5 years. You shouldn’t stress over things like him hating soccer, but you really want your kids to play soccer because it’s your favorite sport. It is completely irrelevant to your life at this point. Cross that bridge when you get to it.

On the flip side, if the differences are in character than that may be something you want to tackle now.

What is important is that you are both communicating about what you want the future to hold and it looks similar. Look at it as a goal, but not an end all be all. For now just enjoy each other and live in the present 🙂  Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Secret to Success

Q: Dear Love Jays,

What do you think are the secrets to a relationship filled with excitement and longevity?

A: Dear Secrets to a Happy Relationship:

The “secrets” to developing a relationship built to last a lifetime is no secret at all – surprise!

Couples who continually find new ways to redefine their relationship, laugh together, sacrifice (time, energy, money, etc.), communicate effectively and love unconditionally will typically find themselves in relationships that span many years rather than the American standard – a few months (I actually have no idea what the average length of relationship is for young people in America, but with the social media and friends dictating WAY too much of what we do/say/believe, I’m comfortable with my estimation).

On the surface, the examples stated above seem relatively straightforward and easy. But as you already know (at least I hope), hard work, dedication and effort are at the heart of a relationship that is built to last! As the old cliché goes, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

Simply put – it takes time.

Couples have to be willing to work hard, yet enjoy the work that is being accomplished. Will the work always be fun? No. Will you always get your way? No. Will there be a time when you want to scream at the top of your lungs and hurl an object in their direction? Absolutely.

Love is a continual growing process. If you both understand that there is always room to grow, you will find yourself answering this question instead of asking it!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Secret Smecret, 

I really don’t think there is any “secret”, but there are some major factors that contribute to a long and exciting relationship.

First and foremost you must be compatible with your mate. Sounds simple, but a lot of people end up dating people they are not compatible with. It’s not about similar interest, it is about balance. When making the decision to spend a huge chunk of time with someone you want it to be with a person who just fits. Don’t force yourself to be with someone because on paper they are exactly what you want and what you think you need. I am well aware everyone has a “type”, but sometimes having a type hinders you. Choose the person who makes you feel like the best version of yourself.

The second factors are communication and compromise! You have to let your significant other in on what you are thinking and what you need and while doing so you have to be willing to listen to their wants and needs. Compromise should always be healthy and it should balance out one way or the other. One person should not be sacrificing everything all the time, while another person sacrifices one little thing every once in a while. It can’t work and it won’t work. Someone will eventually break. Both communication and compromise are a 2 way street. You both have to work hard or you will fail hard.

Third, I would say the key is sharing. I’m not talking about sharing a bite of your food or sharing the last piece of your favorite cake. I am talking about sharing life goals, dreams, secrets, laughs, childhood stories,flaws, forbidden desires, quirks, awkward moments and memories. You have to be willing to share your entire life beyond the physical. I believe this is where the magic of a spiritual and emotional bond happens. This is also the point in which a person gets to decide if they really want to stick around, and if they do, they truly love you for you.

Other than that…HAVE FUN!!! Your partner in crime should be your best friend. The person who just gets you, but when they don’t, you can talk about it. Before you know it you will have shared everything and gained two times of what you had in the beginning.

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Thrown for a Loop

Q: Dear Love Jays, 

I have been seeing this girl for a minute. In the beginning I told her I love a good cook, but she can’t cook. She thought it was small talk, but I was serious. The further we have gotten into our relationship the more I continue to be a little bothered that she can’t cook, even though I knew it getting into this.

So for my birthday all I asked her for was to cook a panned seared tuna with froot loop crust like my momma always makes… yes froot loop cereal is used for the crust. But when it was time for dinner she ordered out and reminded me she couldn’t cook. Am I crazy or should she have at least tried to step out of her comfort zone and done this because she cared for me or should I be concerned that she doesn’t love me like I think she does?

A: Dear My Girl Can’t Cook, 

Let’s take a minute and reflect on your request: Froot Loop crusted pan-seared tuna? You lucky she didn’t leave you immediately following such a request. I promise I’m not judging…wait, I definitely am. Who the hell puts Froot Loops on tuna? Okay, I’m done venting. Back to the question.

You can make a very strong case that she should have at least tried to cook you dinner for your birthday. If all you genuinely wanted was a home-cooked meal, she could have done her very best to prepare something, even if it wasn’t your speciality tuna. However, I am not going to put all the blame on her. She made it clear in the beginning she can’t cook. You knew it, she knew it! You claim to have been “serious” when you spoke to her about loving a good cook, so if you were that serious, please explain why you allowed the relationship to continue? I’m not saying you should kick a girl to the curb if she can’t cook, but if you know that skills in the kitchen is something you want in a partner, you are just as responsible for not getting your cereal-crusted tuna.

As for being concerned about her not loving you, relax. She genuinely may have thought you weren’t very serious. Give the lady the benefit of the doubt. Have you thought about taking a cooking class together? You never know, she actually may be good at cooking, but has never had anyone teach her the proper techniques. I’m sure you can search through Groupon or Living Social to find a deal. If you don’t want to spend money, show her yourself! Sharing is caring.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Tuna and Froot Loops…Seriously? 

Where to begin… ok first let’s tackle the food=love thing. How do I put this…Though as a woman I do understand the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, not all your food is “made with love”. If your woman can’t cook she can’t cook. You said something really important, “you knew what you were getting into”. Case closed! I know you want your mother’s recipe, but you have to understand as a woman being asked to do anything “like your momma does” is intimidating enough. Not only are you asking her to live up to the most important woman in your life, but you are asking her to do it while doing the thing she is most uncomfortable doing. So yes, you should be concerned with how she feels, but not about how much she loves you. The fact she is still around speaks for itself. No woman likes being asked to live up to the “Momma Standard” and even more than that we do not like falling short and reminded of it.

If you are really stuck on her cooking for you I suggest cooking WITH her. That way it will be an activity you do together and it will turn into something she looks forward to. Start with simple recipes like pasta and you guys can eventually work your way up to more advanced recipes. Who knows, maybe one day you will even make your favorite…Froot Loop crusted Tuna

Love,

Miss J

 

© LoveJays 2012