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The Transition Question

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Since you guys have been together through a significant transitioning period in your life, how would you say being in a relationship affects finding yourself and the person who is right for you? Or, is it better to find yourself outside of a relationship?

A: Dear Finding Yourself,

The road to “finding yourself” is continual and gradual – a journey without destination. Everyday we are presented with new experiences, new people, new ideas and all of these play a hand in shaping our personal identities, beliefs and morals. From our genetic makeup to our daily routines, everything influences our lives. We will not wake up out of our sleep with an aha! moment exclaiming, “I found myself!!” It’s just not going to happen. As we continue to grow older and more wiser, we have a stronger grasp and acceptance on the person we are becoming, but I’m not sure if we ever really find ourselves because the act of finding alludes to “the end”; life is never-ending.

Throughout my relationship with Miss J, many people have questioned how we formed personal, separate identities without ever really having time apart. From the outside looking in, I can understand how it may seem difficult, but honestly, my relationship with Miss J has helped (far more that it has hindered) me in discovering the real Justin. When I am experiencing certain emotions or confused on what steps to take next, it is nice to have someone by your side offering a helping solution. Her advice does not directly shape my course of action, but it helps put life in perspective. We often have trouble solving problems looking through our own, biased lens, so to gain the understanding of another who truly has our best interest at heart is a blessing. Despite what these stupid rap lyrics proclaim about being “self-made”, we aren’t much of anything and have difficulty attaining understanding and success without the influences and help of others.

I truly believe the misconception of not being able to find yourself in a relationship stems from a negative view of relationships. I’ll be transparent – I use to look at my relationship with Miss J as a burden in my development. I was frustrated, angry and confused as to why I found myself in this relationship at such a young age. It wasn’t until almost a year ago (after our 2 month split) when I realized that my relationship with Miss J was not a burden at all, instead it was a beautiful partnership with a beautiful person who just wanted to love and support me. I fell victim to the ways of the world who argued I couldn’t discover who I was while dating another. Since shifting my views, I have grown exponentially in my personal life and have discovered new interests and opportunities I never imagined.

I’d encourage everyone to live life one day at a time and not worry about trying find all the answers. As humans, we don’t have the ability to understand it all, but that is the beauty of life. Continue working towards becoming the best person you can be and hold tightly to those who want the best for you. If you are in a relationship or single, the same personal development and growth can be achieved as long as we are willing to view life through a positive lens.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Inquiring Mind,

Good question! (Not that there are any bad questions).

Based on my experience, I cannot confidently say you can find yourself completely while in a relationship. Finding yourself requires you to be selfish and it goes against the grain of the amount of sacrifice you need to be in a committed relationship. As Mr. J and I have stated numerous times, we broke up for 2 months. It was at the peak of our transitional phase and there was just no way to grow together when establishing our separate identities.

With that said, I am not sure there is a set amount of time everyone needs to find themselves. For some people it can be 2 years and for others it can be 2 weeks. I think it depends on exactly what you are hoping to find and what you need to discover.

In my case, I needed to discover what it meant to be a woman, what kind of woman I was, what my real hobbies and interest are and if I could be independent. Turns out being a woman means being strong, wise and knowing when to put yourself first. I am a passionate, loving, God-fearing, and smart woman. I LOVE hiking, painting, everything about love, and helping others. I am more than capable of being independent and most of all I am capable of loving myself. I discovered all these things and more in just 2 months! Now it’s funny to think I was ever without the knowledge this “me” existed.

When Mr.J came back around I discovered something else; we have the ability to build our lives together, but still maintain our separate identities. I had found everything I needed to find on my own. The rest of it I can figure out as I go. What a concept! I now know the difference between compromising for the relationship and sacrificing who you are for your relationship. If you are struggling to find that balance it is safe to say you probably need to take some time for yourself. It is also important that when you do find that balance within yourself, the next partner you have allows you to continue to grow.

 Love,

Miss J 

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Construction Destruction

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have been involved with a man for 5 yrs now. To say it has been rocky is the understatement of the year. For the last 3 years we have been renovating my house that we are also living in. His work has been spotty since he lost his job of 10 yrs (6 months into our relationship). He does the lion’s share of the work on the house, however I am always there as his assistant as I do not know how to do the construction, but help as much as I can. For this duration I have paid the mortgage, and all the bills and purchased the groceries, cooked the meals, etc. Recently he got a good job and now makes more than I do. I feel that he should be paying his part of the bills now that he is back on his feet. He is still doing work on the house but not near as much and there have been large gaps in the amount of work.Recently I had him start keeping track of the number of hours and have started detracting them from the bills, but I don’t really feel satisfied and I feel that this is going to be a source of contention going forward. Not to mention an avenue for him to pad his hours to make sure he does not have to pay anything.

Basically, am I being selfish for feeling that he should be contributing financially? I feel that if we are going forward as a couple that he should be contributing to our future in a bigger way. I feel restrained by his behavior instead of excited. If we were both contributing then it would go a lot faster and we could get past this stage of our lives. I feel very stuck.

A: Dear Stuck and Frustrated,

Relationship 101 – Communication and sacrifice. Can’t emphasize it enough. Any relationship that lacks in both departments will surely fail much quicker than it will succeed.

Before I even answer your question, let’s dissect a few of your statements.

“I have been involved with a man for 5 years. To say it has been rocky is the understatement of the year.”

Well, umm…Houston, we have a problem! You have clearly been frustrated for quite some time and the source of that feeling is much deeper than him not contributing financially and helping with construction on the house. Those two issues have most likely compounded previous issues that have been unaddressed, which has led you to this point of feeling stuck and frustrated. If I had to pick the most important lesson I have learned while dating Miss J for almost 5 years, it would be the principle of not waiting to reach the climax of your emotion before discussing it with your partner. Once we reach this point, all rational and logical communication comes second to the outward expression of anger or frustration. Nip the problem in the bud and you will minimize emotional distress.

“For the last 3 years we have been renovating my house that we are also living in.”

You have opened your home to your partner, pay the mortgage and all the bills, did basically everything while he was unemployed and all you asked of him was lead the construction efforts? And you two are still living together and dating because, why? Construction is no easy task, but seeing that he couldn’t contribute monetary value to the home, he had to pitch in somehow and I’m glad he accepted your offer. However, you noted that once he started working again, the construction around the house dwindled significantly and he STILL isn’t helping you financially!?! Am I missing the logic in all of this? In his defense, it would be unreasonable to expect the same amount of hours contributed to construction with a full-time job. A conversation should have happened yesterday addressing expectations from both parties.

Now, let’s get to your question. Are you being selfish in asking him to contribute financially? I don’t like the word selfish to describe this situation – let’s go with unfair.

If the two of you never discussed that he would be expected to contribute financially upon him landing a stable job, then yes it would be unfair of you to expect any monetary contributions. Notice I said unfair, not unreasonable. He is in the position where he can afford to contribute toward the bills, so despite what was said aloud, common knowledge suggest it’s only right that he should pay his share. On the flip side, if you did have this discussion and he isn’t holding up his end of the stick, you are entitled to feel upset and need to voice your dissatisfaction.

As I said earlier, I have a feeling there is more lying beneath the surface that needs to be discussed. Spend some time in reflection, collect and organize your thoughts, and decide what needs to happen next!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Stuck,

If anything is clear to me, it is your frustration. No, you are not being selfish so-to-speak and yes, you both should be contributing to your lives together in a bigger way.

First, let’s address the house. You wrote:

“For the last 3 years we have been renovating my house that we are also living in.”

I noticed you did not say “our” house. You could have just been typing away and not paying attention to that minor detail, but in my mind that means subconsciously (maybe even consciously), it is “your” house and he is just living in it. If you expect your man to contribute in the things you share, they have to be just that – SHARED. If I can pick up on it, I am sure he can too. The more you include him in on the perks (feeling like he owns something), the more likely is to respond politely to a conversation about shared responsibility.

With that said, he is LIVING there. At the very least, he should be paying half of the bills and groceries; you can tackle the mortgage until he feels the house is as much his as it is yours. If you are not really into giving up the title of “my house” that’s okay, but then you have to be okay with paying the mortgage on your own. I understand he is helping you renovate the house, that is awesome, but it has nothing to do with the bills. Renovations are extra and bills are necessary. Bottom line. No need to have him log his hours, the time he spends on the house is not equal to your monthly expenses. If it continues to cause a problem in your relationship, I would suggest having someone else help you with the renovations and just have him cover his share of the bills.

You were kind enough to completely support him while he was at a low point, but now that he is stable again it is time for him to help you out. You are not wrong in wanting a partner instead of a dependent. Any real man would more than understand that. If anything, he should have offered to help by now, but since he hasn’t – bring it up. If he refuses, pull his card!

Love,

Miss J

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Fire and Ice

Q: Dear Love Jays,

My mother and my boyfriend do not get along at all. I don’t want them to be best friends, but it would be nice to comfortably go to dinner or go over for holidays without any awkwardness! Do you have any suggestions on how to handle this monster-in-law situation??

A: Dear Water and Oil,

A key element in maintaining a successful and happy relationship is support from our friends and family. It’s human nature to seek support in most of our endeavors, so when we don’t get support (especially from those close to us), it typically makes matters a little more difficult.

It’s time to ask and analyze a very simple question, “Why don’t they get along?” I’m sure both parties have “valid” reasons for not getting along with each other, but it’s important that you sit down with each of them and get to the root of the issue. I’m unaware of how close you are with your mother, but if you consider her one of your closest friends and knowledgeable, I would pay close attention to what she is saying. People who reside in our inner circle typically have our best interest at heart 99.5% of the time and have the ability to often see with a little more clarity and unbiased(ness). I’m in no way downplaying your boyfriend’s opinion of the situation, so still take quality time in gathering his feelings.

Everyone involved in this dilemma is an adult and should act appropriately. Even if the two still can’t get along in the future and you decide to continue dating him, a level of respect needs to be established. Period. He shouldn’t disrespect your mother and vice versa. However, any man who will blatantly disrespect the mother of his girlfriend may have some issues of his own. I’m just saying…

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear It’s a Sticky Situation,

Sounds like you are in a pickle! Two of the people you love most in the world can’t get along, that’s never any fun. What you do have going for you is the fact that they both love you. How vocal have you been with the two of them in regards to how they interact makes you feel?

I have 2 suggestions; I do not know your mother and boyfriend so I feel the need to give you options.

My first suggestion would be to sit them down together and express how you feel and how you would like them to at least be cordial with one another. Tell them both how much you love them, and what you love about them while they are in the same room. Taking this approach can help in several ways.

1. They will both be able to see exactly how you feel about the other by experiencing the love you have for them first hand.
2. You will be saying exactly what you love about them, this may force them to look beyond how they feel and try to see the same good qualities you mentioned within each other.
3. It may give them a sense of camaraderie, they will have to work together to please you and as you know, they both love you. People tend they share a common goal, especially if they need the help of another to achieve it.

The second approach would be to talk to them individually. Don’t just bring it up casually, like you did not plan on talking. You need to let them each know just how important the subject is to you. Have a plan, have what you need to say laid out, and make sure you express exactly how you feel. Do not point the finger at one person or another and let each of them know it is going to have to be a collaborative effort. Tell both of them you will be/ have talked to the other person as well. Also, let them know that their disdain for each other has little effect on each of them, but has a huge effect on you. Neither of them will want to hurt you anymore. You just have to clearly express how you feel and put your foot down.

Side Note #1: Something for you to think about- why don’t they get along? In my experience when a parent and significant other can’t get along it’s due to a parent not being ready to let go, the significant other falling short of the parents expectations, or the parent not being a good parent in the past. It could be none of those things, and it could be some of them. Just some food for thought.

Side Note #2: I have always felt it is the responsibility of you/your significant other to develop a relationship/get along with your girlfriend/boyfriend’s parents. Parents need to be eased into meeting someone new who may be around forever. It is the job of your significant other to make that transition as painless as possible. Your boyfriend should never be anything less than respectful at all times no matter what is going on in his head. It is definitely ok for him to express how he feels to you and even to your mother, but it should always be in good taste.

Love,

Miss J

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Something Special for my Man

Q: Dear Love Jays,

My boyfriend has been working so hard (with REALLY long hours) this month and has been a tad more stressed than usual. I want to do something extra special for him to help him unwind and have a little bit of fun. Any suggestions?

 A: Dear Thoughtful,

My suggestion would be to plan something flexible and relaxing. Since you said REALLY long hours I assume he is dead tired at the end of the day. He probably does not have the energy to do anything that requires extra effort. Instead I would suggest making the things he has to do anyway easier for him. For example, when he comes home you could have dinner ready( a man has to eat) and while he is eating run him a hot bath( a man has to get clean) , and after his bath you could give him a massage( just because you want to make him feel special). If he does not fall asleep during your massage you can have his favorite movie in the dvd player cued and ready to go. I say your plans need to be flexible because he may just want to get home and get in bed. With this type of plan, worst case scenario he just ends up having dinner for lunch the next day and you get to spare your hands from giving a massage!

Love,
Miss J

A: Dear A Little Something Special,

The great thing about being a man is our simplistic nature. It really doesn’t take much too please us, at all. We could have an ice cold beer while watching the game and be perfectly content and happy.

How does that ole’ proverb go: “The best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” We love food, especially a delicious home-cooked meal! Take an entire afternoon/evening to prepare a very romantic 3-course dinner. If you don’t know how to cook, spend some quality time researching and don’t use it as an excuse. I can already see it…he walks through the door and you have on a nice dress with the lights dim and candles on the dining room table. The music is low and the wine is in a bucket of ice. The appetizers are ready to be served – the two of you indulge. Haha, okay that’s enough. I was low key getting hungry!

Follow up the dinner with a nice dessert and then spend some “quality time” with each other. I’ll leave the X-Rated thoughts and suggestions left up to you and the readers! Have fun!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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The Truth About Guy Time

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I was hoping you guys could give a little advice about space in a relationship. My boyfriend and I are 22 and have been together a little over a year. We love each other very much and have already decided we’d like to spend the rest of our lives together.

I understand it’s healthy for there to be some space in a relationship and my boyfriend has said he would like some more space, some more “me” time and time with his friends. 

I’m having a little bit of a hard time giving it to him and I’m not sure why, or how to let go a little and give him what he wants. I’m also not completely comfortable with the ways that he wants to spend his “me” time (clubs with his very single friends, bars, parties and beer pong until 3 a.m., etc)

I trust him (he hasn’t given me reason not to, I love him), I’m just not comfortable with the situations he chooses to put himself in I guess. Help? Please! 

A: Dear I Trust my Man, but…,

Attention Ladies: Any time a man asks for more space or more “me” time, it typically means he is unhappy with the current status of the relationship and is likely talking with his boys about how irritated he has been, yet isn’t going to end it despite all reckless attempts to convince his friends he is “ready to be single”.

Why am I so sure of this? Well, I was making the same request a few years back in my relationship with Miss J. Though men have the ability to talk with the best of ‘em, we aren’t great communicators – especially when it comes to our relationship and feelings. It’s fair to say we are immature when it comes to expressing what’s on our mind. We would much rather refer to the go to “I just need some me time” instead of sitting our lady down and being upfront on how we feel. Grant it, I’m not sure many ladies want to hear what a man is really feeling…I’ll stop right there. But seriously, let’s not front!

You have convinced yourself that you “trust” him, but it’s clear that you are unhappy with the situation. In the perfect world, he would sit you down and explain to you how he is feeling, but as I explained earlier, it’s not going to happen. Therefore, it’s going to fall on you (unfair – I completely understand) to have an open conversation discussing why he feels he needs “more space” and how you feel in regards to his requests. Just be sure to NOT get upset when he starts expressing himself – I guarantee it will cause 100x more issues! Oh, one more thing – be prepared to have at least 5 more conversations pertaining to this same point. It’s not going to change overnight, but it’s important to frequently discuss it because if not, your relationship could take a sharp turn right, quickly!

I’m sure I violated “man-code” by writing this response, but I’m only speaking from experience. Fellas – our ladies aren’t stupid! When we are feeling a certain kind of way, let’s try talking instead of running. It will save you plenty of headaches and nagging conversations!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Space for What? 

 “Space” is such a vague word. The first thing that came to my mind was what does he need space for and what kind of space? Is it physical space, emotional space, space away from you in general, or “guy time” space? Your first order of business is to answer those questions and act accordingly.

 If he is serious and committed to your relationship, I am sure he can avoid frequenting places that involve drunk men and women with impaired judgement.

 It is wonderful you trust your man, as you should considering he has not given you a reason not to. However, this is not a trust issue, it is a respect issue. He needs to respect the fact you are not okay with how he is spending his “me” time and you need to respect the fact he has to have an outlet outside of the relationship.

 Let me clarify, he is entitled to spend his “me” time however he chooses, but what he does on your time and his, should always be in the best interest of your relationship. If you are uncomfortable, you need to have a conversation about it. If he respects you, he will accept your feelings as valid and scale back. This does not mean going out with the guys to the bar/club is completely off limits, it just means it does not have to be as often.  Now if he is resistant and wants to continue to go out no matter what the cost, that my friend is what I call a warning sign. It’s a last attempt to not commit. He can be in a relationship, but as long as he gets to walk like a single man and talk like a single man, he gets to feel like a single man…even if it’s only for a couple hours on the weekend. It doesn’t mean he is cheating, or even thinking about it. It just means there is something there preventing him from being ready to commit 100%.  Twenty-two is a tough age to be in a serious relationship when all of your other friends are single and seemingly having the time of their lives. Trust me, I know. 

 I have a feeling the reason you are having a hard time letting him go is because you know he is struggling a little bit. As women, we KNOW our men. Be honest with yourself and encourage him to be honest with you. 

 If that is not the case….

 Mr. J still needs a good, clean, fun guys night from time to time. Sometimes they go out, others they stay in and shoot the breeze or they will even play a sport. Either way I have to understand there are some nights when he needs to have a quick break from estrogen and enjoy some good ‘ole testosterone. It is important to give your man this time. It’s nothing against you, sometimes guys just need guy time. Support that and maybe even have a girls night while you are at it! 

 Love, 

 Miss J 

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Me Time

Q: Dear Love Jays,

 I’m newly single after a fairly serious relationship. Some people say to take time before dating again and some say to get back on the horse! What do you guys think?

 A: Dear New to the Single Life, 

 I’m going to keep this short – Take.Time.For.Yourself!

It’s imperative for people who just ended relationships to have some good ole’ quality “Me-time”. Time can be a couple weeks, a few months or even a year or two, but whatever is the appropriate amount of time for you, don’t waste it! Use the time to get yourself together, go on some dates, reflect on your past relationship and ask a few questions.

 How did this relationship affect the person I am today?

Could I have done more to make the relationship stronger?

What characteristics do I want in my next relationship?

What did I like and dislike about my relationship?

What am I willing to sacrifice next time?

Am I ready for another relationship?

 If you aren’t asking these questions and truly working towards improving upon the person you were in the previous relationship, you are doing yourself and your future partner an extreme disservice. When has rushing anything typically led to better results? 

 Sincerely,

 Mr. J

 A: Dear Single and Not Sure if you Want to Mingle, 

 It is probably in your best interest, and in the best interest of the next person you date seriously to take some time for yourself. 

 A failed long-term relationship takes a lot out of you and typically right after a break up you experience a very serious emotional roller coaster. Nobody needs to be along for the ride but you. Your family and friends should be there for support of course, but you never want to try to fill the void an ex left by filling it with a new person. Instead fill it with love for yourself and make it so that there is no more void to fill, there is just room for a person for you to love in a new space. 

 Dating is an excellent idea, but only when you are really ready. You never know who you are going to end up falling in love with. Better to be mended and ready, than broken and unavailable for something really great. Take your time. Good luck! 

 Love, 

 Miss J 

© LoveJays 2012