Confusing Kiss
Keeping It Tucked Away
Dear Love Jays:
Hi, I am celibate, but I can’t find a man who will just keep it in his pants. Sometimes, I feel like I need to lose my virginity. Help!
Dear *Sigh*:
I.Feel.You.
Celibacy is not for everyone, in fact, it’s not for most people. People like sex and more than that, they are obsessed with it. You take sex out of the equation and either the person is completely uninterested or they see getting in your pants as a challenge. In the end, sex is still the goal.
Although this all may seem incredibly discouraging, I encourage you to keep up the good fight. Virginity is not something you should lose for any other reason than being ready for the right reason. Your temple, your rules. Sex will not keep a man, at least not in the way you would want it to. Save yourself for someone who actually deserves to enter your temple, you’ll thank yourself later.
Miss J
Dear It’s Hard Out Here:
Much respect and congratulations for making the decision to remain celibate. You will likely save yourself some heartache on the path to discovering Mr. Right.
Here’s the truth: most men are horny. Even when we try to curb our sexual appetite, it comes rushing back like a great wave heading towards shore. We can try to keep swimming under the wave, but eventually, one of those waves will be too big to avoid. It also doesn’t help that we live in a hypersexualized society where it’s easier to access sexual stimulation than clean water.
Additionally, celibacy is perceived to be a religious practice. A growing number of people are becoming less affiliated with organized religion, consequently resulting in a smaller group who prioritize celibacy.
I encourage you to remain steadfast in your belief and pray for a likeminded individual to come your way. Do not compromise your morals just to appease today’s standards. You will find great reward in developing an intimate relationship without the pressures of sex.
Mr. J
Fool Me Once
Dear Love Jays,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of years. Unfortunately, I have experienced some heartbreak in the relationship as a result of some mistakes that he’s made. I’m with him, I forgave him. However, I’m having a little bit of a hard time with something else. Even though I forgave him I’m struggling with moving on from it. I’m in that place where my thought process is along the lines of “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me”. I don’t want there to be a twice. I trust him, but I would also feel ridiculously stupid if it happened again. I guess my heart is on the fence with wanting to give over my trust (because I can) and then feeling like an idiot for giving it over the first time. Any advice for how to overcome that fear?
Dear Trust Dilemma,
Jumping right in.
What does your gut say? Does your gut say to give this man another chance. What has changed? Did he really learn from his mistake or is he an unchanged man? Sometimes people say they are sorry and beg for you to forgive them because they can’t stand the thought of a person they love being mad at them. They have no plans of fixing the real issue, just the issue that is affecting them in that very moment. In truth, you really should always forgive because people make mistakes but the rest has to be earned.
Let’s use cheating for example. Cheating takes time, there is no “I accidentally had sex with this person.” The real answer should be “I had sex with this person because I was not feeling attractive, and I liked that this person made me feel desired.” Of course no one wants to tell their partner that, but you get the picture. Well if the person who cheated is using the first excuse, the real problem will never be addressed and it will continue to be a problem. Trust has to start with the person who made the mistake. They have to trust their partner enough to tell them the truth and identify the reason why the mistake really occurred. All cards need to be out on the table and nothing should be hidden. Trust cannot be built on a foundation of lies and secrets. It is then up to the unoffending significant other to decide whether or not to trust the person and even then, it’s going to take a while to rebuild that trust into something they can both be proud of.
The ball is in your court. Are all of the cards on the table? Can you really get over his mistakes? Do you trust that it won’t happen again? If the answer is “Yes, I trust him.” then you should have some evidence to support that decision. He’s more engaged, he’s made a real effort, he has been completely honest, he has been patient with my recovery, he is working on himself. Him bringing you flowers or saying sorry, but not really backing it up are merely a formality and a result of guilt. Just remember YOUR .TRUST. HAS. TO.BE. EARNED. If he has really earned it, trust yourself enough to let go of the fear and make the decision you feel is right.
Good Luck.
Love,
Miss J
Dear Don’t Fool Me Twice,
Every relationship experiences up and downs. There will be good days, some really good days, great days, average days, and of course — bad days. Despite how “together” a couple may appear on the surface, what truly defines the success of a relationship is how both parties respond when their backs are against the ropes.
You admitted your significant other has made mistakes in the past. These mistakes are now responsible for a shift in your relationship. Completely understandable. However, a relationship cannot go the distance when one of the parties has one foot in, one foot out. When his mistakes came to light, you had a choice: leave or work through the struggle. It may be difficult to pick the best option when our heart and emotions take over, but regardless if love or logic kept you from leaving, you committed to your relationship for some reason. What was that reason? Is the reason valid? Is the battle of forgiveness worth the reason?
You are struggling with moving past his mistakes because you haven’t come in agreement with yourself. Your heart may be saying one thing, but your friends and family may say another. Fortunately, the only person who knows the answer is you. Spend some time identifying the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship. Decide if this relationship has the blueprint for a successful future. Diagnose the acceptable and unacceptable. Recognize your value. And most importantly: has he given you reason(s) to trust him again? The answer will become very clear when you take the appropriate steps towards solving the problem.
Love,
Mr. J
My Best Friend Is In An Abusive Relationship…HELP!
Dear Love Jays,
Tough situation. My best friend is involved with a terrible guy. He’s every form of bad. She seems to have slipped in to this strong state of delusion where she believes without a doubt that the two of them are just meant to be together. Her logic? “Why would we [I] be going through all of these terrible things if we weren’t meant to be together”. As if the current challenge of being 100% loyal to and supportive of an emotionally, physically, and mentally abusive unfaithful man is somehow preparing her for this moment where she saves him, or changes him.
It seems she isn’t listening to reason or logic.
How do I help her though?
Dear Control What You Can Control,
As hard as it may be to understand, digest, or comprehend — we have no control over who our friends decide to date or marry. We all have different standards and expectations when it comes to selecting a significant other. Some of these standards seem relatively common and some are little off-base, but just because we are friends with someone, it doesn’t mean we all share the same expectations.
The best thing you can be for your friend is a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. If she comes to you for advice, give it. Be respectful. Come from a place a love. Make sure she knows you care. Everything else is completely up to her. We all have the power of choice. Choose wisely.
Love,
Mr. J
Dear Between A Rock A Hard Place,
I know your first instinct is to jump right in and rescue your friend from this man who has hurt her in every way and stripped her of any and all common sense. Unfortunately, It’s not your job to save her just like it’s not her job to save her relationally inept man. You cannot save someone who does not want / think they need to be saved.
This is not to say there is absolutely nothing you can do. You can love her and support her as an individual as much as you can. If you haven’t already, it’s okay to sit down and have a heart to heart with her and express why you are worried. Don’t attack her, she already gets enough of that. Avoid all smart ass comments, because if it comes down to her having to choose him or you, she will most likely choose him. You never want to feel like you should have said something. Say it all, but only say it once-unless she asks for your honest opinion later on down the road. Always be honest with her, she doesn’t need to be under the false pretense that you believe the lies she tells herself as well.
You are on the outside looking in, so it is very easy to say she’s delusional; which is probably accurate, but it’s not of her own accord. Men like that specialize in delusion. They are always saying things along the lines of “Baby you need me”, “you are nothing without me”, “nobody else will want you”, “if you go I will hurt somebody you love”, “if you leave me I’ll kill myself”, “if you leave me I will kill you”, “I want to marry you”, and of course there’s the “Don’t leave, I won’t do it again. I promise”. He might not be saying these exact words, but the sentiment is there.
You know the saying game recognizes game? Well, weak recognizes weak. I know you don’t want to hear it, but your best friend had a weakness and whatever it was her current weakling man recognized it and preyed on her vulnerability. Your job is to try your best to build her up and make her strong again without interfering with her relationship. Be a friend. I know it’s hard and I will pray for you both.
Love,
Miss J
*If you witness any physical abuse, it is more than okay to contact the police.*
Moral Dilemma
Dear Love Jays,
What’s your opinion on two people in a relationship who have two pretty different moral compasses? Can it work?
Dear Moral Madness,
We received a question similar to this a while back regarding religion and relationships. Although this question is not about religion, it does involve yet another thing at your core — your moral compass. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you agree on everything, but what do you do when at your core you feel something is purely good, and at your significant other’s core they feel that very same thing is purely bad? This wouldn’t be so terrible if it were just one or two minor issues. When your moral compass’ are different, chances are this happens more often than once or twice, and it’s not always with minor issues.
In order to have a successful relationship you need the 3 C’s.
Compatibility
Communication
Compromise
Unfortunately, having a different moral compass affects your compatibility. Compatibility matters most when it comes to your core and ultimately, your morals dictate your actions. Is the real you truly compatible with the real them? When you are in the trenches will you be able to fight the real problem, or will you start fighting each other? You need a person who is going to be on your team to help you make your lay-up, not someone who is going to block your shot.
Good Luck!
Love,
Miss J
Dear Differing Moral Compasses,
Can it work? Possibly. Would I recommend it? No.
Our core values and morals are the blueprint for how we live, love, act, speak. Every decision we make is directly influenced by our internal rules and guidelines. The majority of these morals are adopted through religious or spiritual affiliation, but even if you don’t associate with a religious entity, humans typically understand good vs. bad, wrong vs. right.
When we enter into a relationship with someone, we are looking to find someone who will complement our personality and help develop us into better people. Dating someone who is on the exact opposite end of this process simply doesn’t make sense. Relationships require constant maintenance — why add unnecessary challenges?
Miss J and I have been successful for almost six years because our core values, morals, and religious affiliation are similarly aligned. I’m not saying you need to fit the same requirements — I’m just sharing an ingredient of the secret sauce that helps maintain a healthy and happy relationship.
Love,
Mr. J
Work Relationship Gone Too Far?
Dear Love Jays,
I was hoping to get your opinion on work friends of the opposite sex (of someone in a relationship) becoming friends outside of work or spending time together outside of work.
Dear Work Relationships,
So glad you asked this question! Work relationships are so unique and they often take on many different forms.
Sometimes a work friend is just a work friend, no more and no less. You talk to them while you are at work and all communication ends when you are at home/during the weekend/ on vacation. Other times you have a genuine connection and that work friend becomes a real friend. You can also have a work husband/wife/brother/sister, work mentor, after work happy hour buddy, company event buddy ect…
When work relationships take a turn into real friendship and it’s with the opposite sex, it’s important you significant other approves. Have them meet so they know who you are spending time with. If they are uncomfortable, it needs to be addressed. Your significant other will be able to sniff out your new work friend’s intent almost immediately. If they express to you they are suspicious of this person, you need to respect that. If you just have a jealous partner, that’s not a good enough reason. Sorry, it’s just not.
Side Note: On a personal note, when I first entered the working world I had to get used to the concept of having coffee and lunch with other men. It was weird at first. I assumed everyone was in some way attracted to me, and while it may have been true for some of the men, others were interested in networking.
Also, consider this. While in a relationship you should never hang out with a specific person (non-related) of the opposite sex one on one excessively. It’s a recipe for disaster. Even though I have a couple of male best friends, I would never hang out with them one on one every day. There is zero attraction on both ends, but it’s just a respect thing for Mr. J. That’s what he is there for. Significant others are a built-in best friend of the opposite sex.
Good Luck!
Love,
Miss J
Dear Work Friends Becoming Real Friends,
The ultimate challenge in a relationship: determining which friends make the cut!
We can choose to believe that all of our friendships are healthy and supportive. Who wants to question rather or not the people around us our negatively influencing us or our relationship? Unfortunately, the older we become and grow within our personal relationship, some people simply no longer have the same place (or any place at all) in our lives.
And guess what?? That’s not a bad thing! We are continually growing as individuals; some for the worst, some for the best. Keep your circle positive!
When it comes to maintaining friendships with the opposite sex, exercise common sense. If you are sleeping with this person on the side or praying you someday will, it’s probably in your best interest to let that friendship fall by the wayside. I could care less if you met this person at work, school, the gym — all “new” friends should be introduced into your significant other’s life. I’m not saying the two of them need to become best friends, but they at least need to pass the smell test.
Cheers!
Mr. J
P.S. I low-key didn’t answer the question, but you can still catch my drift!