Joy, Author at Love Jays – Married Millennials™

April 20, 2016May 16, 2016

Unlearning the Lessons You’ve Taught Yourself

We’ve all been there. You were cruising along, not a care in the world when BAM! You get hit by reality. I was in my first semester of sophomore year at University, in my dance clothes, sitting on a bench in front of the science building, staring at a fountain while on the phone with my mother. I wasn’t happy. I was complaining about my experience in school thus far. The dance department wasn’t what I thought it would be and neither were the students on campus. I knew it wasn’t going to be the most diverse experience, but I never expected it to be as isolating as it was. This was higher education, and I hated it.

Upon hearing this, my mother didn’t say what I thought I needed her to say at the time. Instead of telling me it would all be okay, she opted to tell me all the sacrifices she and my father were making in order to allow me to have the experience I loathed so much. She also told me that they would love to sacrifice less, so if I was really that unhappy, I could always transfer. She was right, I could have, but I didn’t. I stayed because I thought it was the least I could do. I stayed because I heard it was going to prepare me for the real world. I stayed because I needed to practice misery, gradually, so that one day, I wouldn’t even notice the feeling anymore.

So stayed I did, for the full four years, and I was absolutely miserable. I could not WAIT to leave. I lacked guidance and although I searched for a mentor, I never found a good fit. I had strong will with no direction and lost almost every battle I tried to fight.

I thought I was teaching myself to be grateful for sacrifices others made for me, to endure misery as a means to a rewarding end and to pick battles I couldn’t win to develop thick skin. What I really taught myself is that it’s okay to exist in a state of resentment. I taught myself that my happiness doesn’t matter as long as it’s sacrificed for something I deem as the greater good and that maybe I wasn’t meant to win battles.

I taught myself wrong.

Now, I know discontent acts as a compass. If the arrow is pointed towards stagnation, then I need to move, stat!

I know complaining is the denial of responsibility. By refusing this responsibility, I relinquish my power and miss the opportunity to make a change.

I know resentment is often the result of letting myself down. I have to trust in my gut and always go towards what I believe to be the right decision.

I know although sacrifices may have been made on my behalf with a particular goal in mind, the ultimate goal was to put me in a position in which I could truly thrive. That’s the debt I owe. There is no reason to tolerate misery for something I don’t even want.

I know some battles are lost and others are won, but in the end, the battle I refuse to lose, is the fight for living the life I choose.

xoxo,

JOY

I’d love to know what lessons you’ve had to unlearn. Please leave a comment below and share your story!

September 6, 2013April 7, 2016

23 Lessons I Learned In My 23rd Year of Life

Hey Love Fans,

My birthday is tomorrow! As much as I love my actual birthday, every year on September 6th I reflect on the past year of my current age. Today is the last day I will ever be able to say I am 23 ever again. I want to savor that. I wanted to share with you all 23 things I have learned and observed this past year. Enjoy 🙂

Love,

Miss J

1. I’d be rich-ish if I didn’t have bills.

2. I am open to more things than I thought I am open to. Cool.

3. Life keeps trucking along, whether you are on board or not so I should probably just stay on board.

4. People are going to do whatever they want to do.

5. I am capable of getting a better job.

6. I am truly a unique individual. Growing up you always hear that there’s no one like you, the revelation that this is true has been both rewarding and at times lonely.

7. God is awesome! He’s got my back and he ALWAYS answers my prayers. Major Shout out to God!

8. Happiness is a choice and it’s a choice I have to make every day. There is no such thing as a naturally happy person. People who are happy, try to be happy.

9. What’s meant to be will be when it is supposed to be and not a second sooner. What’s not meant to be won’t be, ever.

10. I should probably respond to text messages and missed calls within 24 hours…probably.

11. I am young and I know a lot of things, but I don’t know everything and I am totally okay with that.

12. There’s a huge difference between being self-ish and self concerned.

13. If I count my blessings I get really excited about everything I have and focus less on what I don’t have.

14. Supporting someone doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing with them. It means catching them if they fall without saying “I told you so” and being there no matter what.

15. I am not responsible for how others feel about me. Might as well just be myself.

16. Love goes a loooooooonnnng way.

17. My savings account should be used as an actual savings and budgets are a necessary evil.

18. I will always feel better when you take care of myself mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. If any one of these things are off, I am off too.

19. It’s okay to see a therapist. Sometimes life happens and you need to talk about it with an unbiased and completely uninvolved party.

20. I have an addiction to reading.

21. It’s okay to change.

22. Justin aka Mr. J is THE BEST partner in crime.

23. Self acceptance and self love is the best gift I could ever give myself.

February 27, 2013April 7, 2016

Unconditional Love Part 3-My Conclusion

Love.Love. Love. Easy to feel and hard to understand. It’s a simple yet complex emotion and often over analyzed. Love is love. Period.

I originally began writing about the existence of unconditional love about a month ago. (Check out Unconditional Love Parts 1 and 2 here) I couldn’t bring myself to write a conclusion because I didn’t have one yet, but now I do so here it is.

Unconditional love DOES exist.

1. I know for a fact God loves me unconditionally. How do I know this? Because good things keep happening, despite my flawed human behavior my prayers are still answered. And I love him back, so that’s that.

2. My parents love me unconditionally. They just do and always will.

3. I love my parents unconditionally. I just do and always will.

4. I love my family and those I consider family unconditionally. I just do and always will.

With that being said I realized one thing. The condition is not love, it’s like. Love does not have conditions, you love someone or you don’t. There are various types of love, but love is love. I think when people start to experience a different type of love they think they have fallen out of love when really they have just transitioned into a different type of love.

“What about hate?” you say, “Certainly you can’t love someone you hate.”

I shall give you the gift of my favorite quote on the subject matter.

“Isn’t hate merely the result of wounded love?” -Amy Tan

When you ‘hate’ someone you are experiencing wounded love. Still love, anyway you spin it.

Moving on…

After coming to this conclusion I was still wondering what I was feeling when I just absolutely did not like a person. Then it dawned on me… LIKE! That’s the answer! the opposite of like is dislike (obviously). So basically my understanding is this: You love some people and others you have never loved; but whether or not you like or dislike them it has nothing to do with love lost or gained. ‘Like’ is a different emotion with its own category and it is indeed completely conditional.

Love and Like,

Miss J

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February 2, 2013April 7, 2016

Mr. J’s Special Day

Hello Everyone!

Today is a very special day. Guess why? Yep, that’s right, it’s Mr. J’s birthday! Yay!

As some of you may remember for my 23rd birthday Mr. J wrote 23 facts, feelings and whatever else came to mind about me. So for his 24th, I wanted to return the favor. So without further aduie, I present to you 24 random things about Mr. J.

Mr. J is one of the kindest people I have ever met. He really cares about the wellbeing of others and never hesitates to help a person in need.
Mr. J is one of the most genuine people I know. He is not one to fake anything. If you ask, he will tell you exactly how he feels; good, bad or indifferent.
Mr. J likes monkeys just as much as I do, even though he would never admit it.
Mr. J lets me call him “Monkey”.
Mr. J has to put things back where he got them from. Always.
Mr. J moans when he eats.
Mr. J’s default volume is “loud”. If you are within a mile radius of him you will know. He’s the tall guy shouting at the person directly across from him as if they are 50 yards apart.
Mr. J does not fit in rides at Knott’s Berry Farm because his legs are too long.
Mr. J can do the dougie and secretly loves when the song comes on at social gatherings so he can “hit his dougie” for the crowd.
Mr. J is the most supportive friend. He will be your number one fan.
Mr. J will do anything for the people he loves and probably just as much for someone he hardly knows.
If Mr. J has been sitting for a long time he stands up like an old man because his knees are bad.
Mr. J enjoys a good two-step. (old man tendencies die hard)
Mr. J was team captain of his basketball team in college & he was (and still is) a beast on the court.
Mr. J dunks on people while staring them in the eye.
Mr. J will have a long/deep conversation with a stranger. He will genuinely be interested in everything they have to say and then be perfectly content never seeing or talking to the again after said conversation is over.
Mr. J can successfully pull a boot off of a woman’s foot.
Mr. J is a lingerer. If you plan on leaving somewhere at a decent time, he is not the person to ride with. He is usually either among the last to leave or the very last person to leave.
Mr. J wears a size 15 shoe and has huge hands – No subtext. I am literally just saying he has big hands and feet.
Mr. J always announces when he has to go number two. And if he is really comfortable with you, he WILL leave the door open while doing so.
Mr. J will dance with me when there is no music playing.
Mr. J always knows how to put a smile on my face.
Mr. J never ceases to amaze me. Everyday I discover something else about him that is just as awesome as he is as a whole.
Mr. J is my best friend. He is truly just an honest to goodness great person. He cares for people and looks out for them. His ultimate dream is to lead a life of service to those in need, who could not love that?

I love you babe, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Love,

Miss J

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January 26, 2013April 7, 2016

Unconditional Love Part 2

Last week, I wrote a post about the existence of unconditional love.

Unconditional Love Part 1

I thought love would be hard to define, but as it turns out several people have already done so. The Merrian-Webster Dictionary defines Love as:

While this definition is accurate (obviously), I was more interested in finding different categories of love. In addition to having our own love language, which is how we communicate love; we also love differently at the core. John Lee divided these types of love into 6 categories of love style. They are as follows:

Eros: a passionate physical and emotional love based on aesthetic enjoyment; stereotype of romantic Love.

My thoughts: So basically this means as long as you are happy and enjoy that person, you love them. Not unconditional.

Ludus: a love that is played as a game or sport; conquest; may have multiple partners at once.

MyThoughts: Non-committal love. Going to go ahead and say this is probably conditional too. The condition being who’s bed you are in that night.

Storge: An affectionate love that slowly develops from friendship, based on similarity.

My Thoughts: This has to be unconditional, right? You love them because they are like you and you are friends. But what if one person changes? Maybe this one has conditions too.

Pragma: Love that is driven by the head, not the heart; undemonstrative.

My Thoughts: I think it would be difficult to logically love someone unconditionally. You have to leave matters of the heart to the heart. Your head is no place for unconditional love because it’s already occupied by your conditions.

Mania: obsessive love; experience great emotional highs and lows; very possessive and often jealous lovers.

My Thoughts: Going to leave this one alone for now. Obsession is not love and the condition is craziness.

Agape: selfless altruistic love

My Thoughts: This has to be unconditional. If you truly love someone selflessly, you can love them no matter what. Conditions aside.

Well, that was kind of a bust! I was hoping more of the categories would show some promising traits of unconditional love. At least now, I know moving forward, unconditional love requires complete selflessness. And so the journey continues…

Love,

Miss J

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January 16, 2013April 7, 2016

Unconditional Love Part 1

This will probably be a 2 or 3 parter so bear with me!

During the holiday season I had a conversation that really struck a chord. My family and I were sitting around the dinner table and a family member brought up the concept of unconditional love. His argument was that unconditional love does not really exist because everyone’s love has conditions.

Admittedly I was quick to agree. It made perfect sense. For example, I have a HUGE problem with cheating. I don’t understand it and I see it as a valid reason to terminate a relationship. Ergo my love has a limit and/or condition. Some challenged the idea; however eventually,like me, they were pretty quick to accept love is indeed conditional.

The conversation died down just as fast as it started and soon we were back to talking about turkey and family gossip, but I couldn’t shake the realization that unconditional love does not and never did exist.

From that point on I went on a “love bender”. I was devastated. How is it that I am not capable of loving unconditionally? Wait a minute, if that’s true than the reverse must be too. I can’t be loved unconditionally? What a cruel joke life had pulled!

I decided I was going to have to find the answer for myself. If it turned out to be true, fine. I would just have to deal with it. If it turned out to be false, awesome! So for the next couple of weeks I will take you through my journey and what I discovered about unconditional love.

In the meantime, what are your thoughts? Do you think love has conditions? If yes, why? If no, why not? I want to hear from you!

Love,

Miss J

See Unconditional Love Part 2 here!

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While we ponder love’s conditions, listen to this song about falling in love having a condition 🙂 How did I not notice this before?!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfAb0gNPy6s]