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Jealousy and Insecurities

Q: Dear Love Jays,

How do you control your partner’s jealousy or insecurities?

A: Dear That Darn Little Green Monster,

Unfortunately jealousy is not a trait you can fix in a significant other. There is no controlling another human beings emotions. You can be the most trustworthy person who has done absolutely nothing to compromise your relationship and it still won’t matter. A jealous and insecure person will always find something to be jealous and insecure about.

The decision to remove insecurity and jealousy has to be the choice of the person who is experiencing those feelings first hand. At the base of those two emotions lies a lack of trust. So instead of the foundation being built on trust it will be built on either control, as a result of a person trying to accommodate the jealously issues of the other or anger and rebellion, due to one person not willing to accommodate the jealously issues of the other. Sometimes these scenarios even go both ways.

You would think as a jealous person you would understand another jealous person, but that’s not how it works. Jealousy is a possessive monster, those who embrace jealousy think of their significant other as a possession instead of a partner. That is not love. Love lies in trust and friendship.

This is not to say a person cannot change their jealous ways, they absolutely can; but it is not up to you. The problem source of the problem lies within them, not within your relationship.

Love ,

Miss J

A: Dear Jealousy is for the Birds,

Jealousy is the one trait I never truly understood and possessing it typically results in much more negative outcomes including unhappiness, violence and anger. I’m all for people being territorial of your partner – if you truly care for someone, you will definitely be interested and pay attention to their daily happenings. But when people take their basic care and emotion too far, they will try to control and manipulate the who, what, when, where and why of their partner’s every move. Unfortunately, we cannot control our partners source of jealousy because it often stems from personal insecurities they are refusing to acknowledge.

Relationships are built upon trust. If you cannot trust your partner or vice versa, what’s the point of maintaining the relationship? We are all human. We will say some things to people we shouldn’t have said, go to places we probably shouldn’t go, get a little too comfortable with the “girl/guy next door”, but through it all, we can’t try to manipulate our partner from experiencing these scenarios. Just because our partner is doing something we don’t necessarily care for, doesn’t mean they are out in streets cheating or disrespecting you. You have to live and it’s only fair we let others have the same freedoms. After all, what good comes from being jealous? Don’t worry…I’ll wait.

Miss J and I have kept jealously completely out of our relationship and it has helped us maintain a healthy, positive relationship. Does it mean we don’t question things here and there – absolutely not. It means we are comfortable enough with ourselves and trust we have each other’s best interest at heart. If your partner’s jealousy problems or insecurities are affecting more than just themselves, it’s time to reexamine the foundation of the relationship. Love can take on many forms, but control, manipulation and anger surely aren’t one of them!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Friend Zone?

Q: Hi Love Jays,

I’m starting to realize I have feelings for one of my guy friends, but it’s a strange situation. I feel like we genuinely care for each other, but I can’t tell in what way. At first, I was a little afraid that I was in the “little sister” zone, but as we got closer and closer, it all changed. For example, he knows I have a lot of anxiety with getting blood drawn, and gladly came with me to get it done. The thing is, he’s a bit (and by a bit, I mean a lot) of a player and at parties goes after girls he thinks will sleep with him and knows that I’m not up for anything casual. One night, after drinking, he and I kissed several times that night, so I have no idea whether that was a drunk want or just “because”. He also likes to call me pet names, but I don’t know if that’s in a little sister way. While I know he’s not ready for a relationship, have I been friend/little sister zoned?

A: Dear Stuck in the Friend Zone,

There aren’t too many single men in this world who will completely write-off any woman as being a future girlfriend. She could be a complete stranger or a friend for many years, whichever the case, it doesn’t mean things will always stay the same. How many stories have you read about best friends falling for each other? Just like anything else in life, friendships can evolve into something much different.

I have never been one to “blame it on the a a a a a alcohol” when making questionable decisions. You mentioned he is a bit of a player and likes going after girls who will sleep with him, so it’s very clear he knew exactly what he was doing when deciding to kiss you. It doesn’t necessarily mean he is trying to sleep with you, but I can assure you he wouldn’t prevent it from happening if you decided to take it there.

Simple answer – you are not stuck in the friend/little sister zone. He is looking to have fun and is willing to participate with anyone who is up for a good time. If you aren’t for anything casual, I would suggest not hooking up with him; no need to cause yourself any more confusion.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear In the Zone,

There is no such thing as a single man keeping a woman in “the friend zone”. NO SUCH THING. A man may value a friendship and not want to ruin it at that moment; but for the most part, until a man is settled down, every woman is fair game.

Also, he kissed you. I will say it again, He. Kissed. You. And you kissed him back. You liked it and I am sure there are no complaints on his end. Yes, you were drunk. Drunken words/actions are sober thoughts. When a friendship takes a step in the direction of it becoming something more there are typically a lot of nerves/butterflies involved. You both just had liquid courage, it is totally normal.

While I am almost positive you have not been “friend zoned”, you still may want to proceed with caution. You mentioned he is a player and my gut is saying he probably cares for you, but he has some “tendencies” he needs to get out first. The kisses you shared were probably the result of you both putting your feelers out there.Now that he knows he may have a shot with you he might slow down with his player ways.

For your part you should figure out what it is exactly you want and what you expect from him. If you come to the conclusion you are better off friends then that is that; but if you definitely want to explore something more than a normal friendship you are going to have to drop the liquid courage and the kisses and have a heart to heart.

Love,

Miss J 

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Below Average Sex

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Can you maintain a healthy relationship if the sex is terrible?

A: Dear It’s just not good,

If you are in a relationship and sex is an active ingredient, it will be very difficult to maintain a healthy relationship for a long period of time. Sex is the way our body communicates our feelings for another, good or bad. We have all had those intimate moments when our feelings are running high and the intimacy level is off the chart, yet we have also had those terrible moments when our head just isn’t in the right place and the sex is well below average.

Though it is not the only way of expressing our feelings, sexual intercourse definitely plays a strong part of maintaining intimacy. If you aren’t having sexual intercourse, you have found others ways to be intimate with each other, but once the leap is made, it’s our responsibility to treat our partner correctly. Some may suggest that we can teach them how to “sex us”, but if both aren’t emotionally and physically rocking to the same beat, it’s bound to collapse at some point. Let’s not forget about sex drive, either. If you are always ready to hit the sheets, yet it’s like pulling teeth to convince your partner to join…the relationships will slowly break apart.

It’s important to discover your feelings about sex and communicate it openly and honestly with your partner. If you’re not very good, let them know. If you don’t care for it too much, share that information too! Once everything is in the open, each can decide what route to take next!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Close but No Cigar,

Is it possible to maintain a healthy relationship with bad sex? Sure. Is it likely you will be able to maintain a healthy relationship for an extended amount of time? Probably not.

When a couple decides to get physical, sex is high on the “needs to satisfy” list. Bad sex is just not satisfying. Period. Of course you can always attempt to teach your partner what it is exactly that satisfies you. If they can keep up, great; but if not… well…

As a woman I can say (for the most part) sex is an emotional act. We correlate the quality of sex with the intensity of a man’s deep desire to love/want us. Everyone is allowed an off day, but if it’s consistently bad that could be a sign. Think of your body as a puzzle, some pieces fit together perfectly and others don’t fit at all because they belong to another piece. Your partner may not be “bad” per say, they just might not be compatible with you. Good luck!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012