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Celibacy: Cause and Effect

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Mr. J mentioned in one of his answers that the two of you were trying to practice celibacy. I was just wondering how that’s going for you guys as a couple and as individuals how has it impacted your relationship? Good or bad? Is it a good idea for others in committed relationships to try?

A: Dear Road to Celibacy,

Sexual intercourse is one of the strongest motivators and communication medium for young people. Our over sexualized society has subconsciously triggered the mind into believing that sex is one of the best ways to express our feelings and love for someone. It’s glamorized in every advertisement and its influence has trickled down to kids in elementary school. The act of sex is no longer looked upon as something sacred and beautiful between two people; it’s just part of the routine in everyday life.

And guess what? Miss J and I were wrapped up in that mindset for 4+ years of our relationship. I laughed at friends who practiced celibacy and never entertained the idea – I couldn’t imagine life without sex. It was the center of conversation when talking with the guys, it “helped” me communicate with Miss J better, it gave me confidence and made me feel good…why would I want to give it up?

In May 2012, I arrived at Miss J’s apartment and she was suspiciously sitting down on her bed. She had one of those “We need to talk” looks and I quickly ran through my rolodex of memories to see if I had done anything wrong. I knew I hadn’t, but it’s something about that look that will make any man panic. I joined her on the bed; she started smiling (much to my relief) and asked my opinions on practicing celibacy.

Sidebar: I started having similar thoughts about celibacy about two months prior to Miss J bringing it up, but I never had the courage to talk with Miss J about it. The thoughts went against everything I practiced and understood. So, I kept my mouth quiet and prayed it wouldn’t come up. Guess that didn’t work! Back to the story.

I immediately started chuckling and shared with her the thoughts I was having a few months prior. We talked about it for a couple of minutes and decided we would try it for forty days. No sex (all components). Nothing.

Long story short, forty days went by and the two of us noticed a positive shift in our relationship. We were communicating more effectively; our feelings for each other grew stronger; we enjoyed just sitting together and talking; cuddling and kissing never felt more passionate – everything had changed! The removal of sex opened doors in our relationship we never knew existed and our overall happiness and well-being improved. As a result, Miss J and I decided to take our forty day commitment to the next level and took a vow to remain celibate until we are married.

Five-months have quickly passed since we engaged in any sexual activity and our relationship is continuing to thrive. Sex still crosses our minds (we are human), but the urge to fall into temptation is virtually non-existent. We have ridded ourselves from the biggest distraction and we are seeing life through clearer lenses. I would definitely recommend celibacy for any couple who has considered practicing it, but be sure to make the commitment as a couple, not as individuals.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Curious About Celibacy,

Mr. J and I have always had a wonderful chemistry and a crazy sexual attraction towards one another. So when I was washing dishes in May and heard God say (clear as day) “You need to stop having sex” I almost shattered a dish. All I could think was “crap”.

I have always said it is not about religion, it is about relationship. I understood it was not a religious demand right away. It sounded more like “It’s in your best interest”. I immediately thought of how Mr. J would react and then I heard “It’s going to be easier than you think”. Turns out God was right, as usual.

I told Mr. J my thoughts and he started laughing and looked up and said “you got me”, I told him it was not my idea and he said he knew that because the same thing had been placed on his spirit, but he was not going to be the one to bring it up. *cue sigh of relief*

Originally we decided to commit to celibacy for 40 days, but it became apparent a couple of weeks later it was going to be much longer than that.

It’s really hard to verbalize what has changed in our relationship. Yes of course the way we are intimate has changed. Hearing his voice is intoxicating, hugging is tantalizing and cuddling is better than any pleasure sex could bring-Basically you become easy to please.  Beyond that, our spiritual connection to one another is unbelievable. I thought we were on the same page before, but that was kid stuff.

Mr. J told me one day that he “lust for my soul”, I laughed until I realized he was completely serious and I felt the same way. I know it sounds nauseating, but a higher level of love and understanding does exist. I would never have guessed the mere removal of sex would let me experience all of the things I am now experiencing in our relationship, but here we are! When you take a step back from what your body wants you become more in tune with what you really need.

Through celibacy I have discovered I really can marry Mr. J because there is a lot of substance there minus the sex. I don’t distrust that our foundation has been there all along, but I do not know if I would have seen it and because of that I may have had doubts.

I would recommend celibacy to anyone who is curious and wants to try it. I don’t know if it is for everyone, but it is definitely worth trying. Like I said, words can’t do justice to what it has done for us. It really is something you have to experience to get the full picture!

Love,

Miss J

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I Love Him But…

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I love him. But I miss the single life. We are in a great relationship, not too many complaints at all. But I wish I had found him a couple of years from now. I got with him right after an old relationship ended, and I just haven’t had the time to breathe. I don’t want to lose him though! There are tons of girls waiting for me to mess  up and swoop him up, and I truly believe he is a great man for me. We have now been together for quite a while, and I can feel my conscience nagging at me.  I’m torn between my desire to be free and my love for him.

A: Dear Torn, 

If Mr. J and I have made anything clear it’s the fact that love never happens on your terms. You cannot choose who you love and you cannot choose when to love. 

Now that’s out the way let’s talk about you. You mentioned the fact you haven’t had time to breath since your last relationship. This in itself can have you feeling the way you do about your entire relationship. You may be  stuck between who you were in your old relationship and your role in your new relationship or you may just be trying to figure out who “YOU” are in general.  Things can get fuzzy without taking the much needed time in between to reflect and get yourself together again. I wrote an article on this very subject a few weeks back; you may not want to be single as much as you want to find out who you are, deep down you know at this point you are not able to do that and balance a relationship. 

How does the saying go? “If you love someone let them go. If they return they were always yours, but if they don’t they never were.”  If you really love your boyfriend you would not keep him around just because your afraid someone else will snag him. The reality of the situation is you are not able to fully commit to the relationship and that is unfair to him. You are not having a relationship issue, you are having  a personal issue.  For most personal  problems we should be able to lean on our significant other, but I am afraid this is amongst one of the few things that your partner cannot help you work through. 

I don’t want to say a breakup is inevitable, but eventually he will catch on to how you feel and who knows what will happen from there.  It is best to be honest with him while things are still good so if you do break up it will be on good terms ( as good of terms as a breakup can be on) and there is a better chance of you guys resuming things in the future. 

Good Luck!

Love, 

Miss J 

A: Dear Inconvenient Love,

Did Mr. J from three years ago submit this question? I know we post anonymously, but I’ll make a special exception for this one. I understand your frustration completely and wish I could provide you relief…it’s just not that simple.

One of the worst frustrations I have ever experienced was fighting between the feelings of the mind and of the heart. As an 18-year-old college freshman, the LAST THING on my mind was finding a girlfriend; I was dead focused on being young, dumb and horny! Obviously, the world had something different in mind because that plan went up in smoke after one semester.

Side bar: I low-key still wonder what my college experience would have been like if Miss J and I didn’t date in college…I’m sure I would have been an absolute fool with a completely different future. Oh and not to mention, the Love Jays certainly would not be in existence!

On the outside, our relationship looked picture-perfect; internally it was slowly rotting because I couldn’t make up my mind of where I wanted to be *turns on Donell Jones album*. I, like you, understood Miss J would have been in high demand, so I selfishly kept her by my side doing just enough to keep her as my girlfriend. The frustration finally hit a boiling point and we both agreed it was time to part ways. In the time we spent apart, I was truly able (for the first time) to unselfishly analyze the situation and decide what I wanted in life – love or sex. It’s obvious which decision I chose and I am fortunate Miss J was open in giving me another chance.

The point I’m trying to make here is simple – take some time apart and stop dragging him along in your confusion. If you use the time wisely, a decision will become clear relatively quick. And this whole freedom argument – it’s just another excuse. You can experience freedom while in a relationship, it just may appear a bit differently than your single friends and will require you to exercise judgement and respect.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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Industry X

Q: Dear Love Jays,

What is your stance on porn?

A: Dear X-Rated,

Porn as industry is causing much more harm than good – if any. Throughout my adolescent and teenage years, I was consuming porn several days a week. I first starting viewing it out of sheer curiosity, but then it became a habit. I attended an all-boys high school, so my only true outlet (up until I received my driver’s license) in satisfying my sexual appetite was through the internet. When I left for college, my consumption of porn dropped significantly, but I would still watch it a few times a month. Fast forward to today – I have given up porn completely and couldn’t be happier with my decision.

Aside from the COMPLETE degradation of women, porn take a subconscious grip of your mind and influences our actions. The way I viewed women, spoke to women, thought about women – it was primarily negative. Porn wasn’t the only factor in influencing these actions, but it definitely played a strong part. As I have become older, my views towards women have shifted dramatically and I can no longer seek to inspire and uplift young people while simultaneously subjecting myself to the enjoyment of porn.

I do not judge nor have ill-feelings towards anyone who consumes porn. I would challenge all of the men to hold themselves with higher regard and have more respect for women – and most importantly, yourself. And to the ladies who allow men to strip you of your self worth – realize the beauty and power you possess inside. No amounts of money or fame can ever fill the void of losing yourself.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Interesting Question, 

This is such a short, but loaded question. I will give you a short and hopefully less loaded answer. 

I don’t have any strong feelings in regards to porn. I would not encourage it, but I would not frown upon someone who watches it in their own time. 

When it comes to porn and relationships it is important to find out how your significant other feels about you watching it alone, you watching it together and/or them watching it alone. If it starts to interfere with your intimate time with your partner then chances are there is a larger problem. Nothing is good in excess. 

Love, 

Miss J 

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Why I Don’t Want Your Number

A few months ago, Miss J wrote an entry addressing the different ways men approach women in hopes of getting their number. Miss J couldn’t have been more spot on with her analysis and her post even inspired two of our readers to create their own blog! It has easily been the most popular entry on our site, so in honor of Miss J’s great work, I feel like it’s time to offer a rebuttal addressing the ladies!

Men have always been accused of trying to make a pass on women every time we open our mouth. Regardless if we are at the bar with a few friends or grocery shopping, the moment we try to engage in conversation – women think we have a bag of tricks up our sleeves. Well, as Barack Obama eloquently stated dozens of times in the presidential debate last night, “It’s just not true!”

Women – I love you, but stop fooling yourselves into believing that every man who tries speaking with you has intentions on “getting yo numbah” or praying that you will join them in their bed tonight. Have you ever considered the simple fact that we just actually want to talk? Believe it or not, women aren’t the only species on earth who enjoy talking.  We love attention, especially from women, so it’s often nice to engage in a nice conversation with an intelligent woman. These conversations can range anywhere from a couple of seconds to several minutes, yet it still doesn’t insinuate we are left wanting or expecting more than a casual exchange of words.

On the flip side, there are definitely men who are looking to approach women for all the wrong reasons. But let’s face it, we aren’t as confident as we claim when approaching you. Yes, we may try to be big and bad with the guys, but often times we are nervous and don’t want to be rejected. Our fear of rejection often stymies any hopes of successfully approaching a women and typically leaves us sitting there with our friends falling into Miss J’s category 4. However, there are certainly occasions when our confidence is booming and ready to conquer the world, yet the women just don’t quite fit the mold.

What makes a woman fall into this category?  It differs for every person, but let’s take a look at a few scenarios…

1. The “I’m the flyest person in here” woman.

Yes – the whole venue is aware that you have arrived. Unfortunately, the attitude you walked in has captured more of my attention than your beauty. It’s okay to be fly, but tone it down a bit.

2. The “Are you going to buy me a drink” woman.

Ooooooh, so you thought because I said hello you were entitled to a drink? How does water on the rocks sound? Your implication of expecting a drink has already spoke volumes of the type of person you are…next! 

3. The “I’m trying too hard to dance correctly” woman.

Please stop running your fingers through your hair while making awkward faces and excuse yourself from the dance floor. If you can’t dance, no need to highlight your worst abilities – just enjoy the music and slowly feel the beat from your seat.

4. The “Too good to be out” woman.

You and I are in the same place, so please remove the look of superiority from your face. If you were going to look every person up and down with disgust, then why did you even come? You, your sparkle-covered iPhone and your Louis purse are contaminating the air.

5. The “My friend thinks you’re hot” woman. 

Hot? I’m grown. Thank you for the compliment, but I’ll pass. Also, sending your friend to do the legwork isn’t the best strategy.

6. The “Too perfect to approach” woman.

You are the perfect blend of sexiness and sophistication, yet I’m too intimidated to even speak. Your beauty is captivating, but I can’t find any ounce of courage to say hello. I have convinced myself I don’t have a chance, so I’ll stare from afar and imagine what could have been.

Ladies, help us out! Every word leaving our mouth is not a setup to something greater, so enjoy the conversation and laugh along with us.  Try it out – you may be surprised to see just how many respectable men are out there!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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Military Mess Up

Q: Dear Love Jays,

So my wife and I are both in military and she is currently deployed at this time. So with her being gone, I send her things that she needs or wants that she can’t get overseas. Well about two weeks ago, I sent my wife a hard drive that I used when I was deployed to watch movies to help pass the time. Well on this hard drive that I sent her, it had pictures of an ex-girlfriend on it that I didn’t know where on there still because I hadn’t used it in a really long time.

My wife was pretty upset that I still had the pictures after us being together over a year. I can understand why she is upset; I can’t say that I wouldn’t have had the same feelings she did. But now she says she doesn’t trust me and things have been rocky for the past week. How do I go about rebuilding this trust that we have lost? I no longer talk to the ex that was on the hard drive but my wife is still hurt and angry. I am just lost on what to do because I love my wife and I tried to tell her that I wouldn’t have married her if I didn’t. It’s not like we can just sit and talk because of her being gone. She has all the power of when we talk so if she doesn’t want to I can’t just walk up to her and try because she is gone. What would you do?

A: Dear Military Melodrama,

Yeah…that sucks. Not going to lie, it’s just one of those unfortunate situations. I believe it was an honest mistake on your part, it means nothing and you were actually just being a thoughtful husband; however everyone knows where there is distance between a couple there are heightened emotions.  I do not know your history, but I will give you advice based on the assumption you have had a healthy relationship.

Put yourself in her shoes. Here she is away from her husband on deployment and he was sweet enough to send her a package. Awww. She opens the hard drive ready to watch some flicks and *gasp* what’s this? His ex!!!

Rational reaction: First check and see if there are any indicators of where the pictures were taken and if there are clues as to when they were taken and then facebook stalk to see if there is any other info to make a solid case. Call and see what the man I married has to say.

Irrational reaction: That lying, cheating  #$%#$@^*&(… I knew it was too good to be true. Call my husband and give him a piece of my mind!

*After hearing her husband’s explanation*

Rational reaction: Okay that makes sense, honest mistake. I trust the man I married.  Moving on.

Irrational reaction: I caught you! I can no longer trust you.

Does that sound about right? You mentioned you cannot speak with her without her calling you. That’s ok, she needs to cool off. Whether she is acting rationally or irrationally you are her husband and your job is to respect how she feels and do what you can to make her feel better , all while maintaining your innocence.  I am guessing you can still either write a letter or email, right? Email is the preferred method seeing as it will get to her way before a letter would.  Tell her you are sorry she had to see pictures of your ex, but they are of no significance to you. Tell her you understand why she is upset and you are will to be patient enough to allow her to work through the emotions she is experiencing. Let her know you love her and you will be there whenever she is ready to talk. Under no circumstances should you get defensive nor should you admit to any wrong doing. You are not guilty, but the fact remains seeing those pictures hurt her. You don’t need to actively work to regain her trust in this situation, just be respectful and patient and she will come around in her own time.

Love,

Miss J

A: Dear Hard Drive Cleanup,

A small and harmless mistake has led to much bigger problem – Welcome to the world of women! It is extremely unfortunate that the hard drive you sent her happened to have pictures of your ex-girlfriend, but I don’t believe she is warranted to lose trust in you. No person in their right mind would consciously send something to their significant other knowing it had some information that would raise a few eyebrows. I honestly believe you had no idea the pictures were on there and that you were just trying to be a good man by helping your wife overseas – and she should too!

She is entitled to ask questions pertaining to the pictures, but to blow the situation up and exclaim she cannot trust you is a bit extreme. For crying out loud – they are pictures! Now, if the pictures are a little racy…you will probably have a lot more explaining to do. I still have pictures with my ex-girlfriends on my computer and I have zero intentions of deleting them because the pictures signify memories. Period.

I would encourage you to stand your ground and explain to your wife that the pictures truly have no significance in the functioning of your relationship. Emotions run high on women, especially when there is distance between them and the person they love, so I’m sure she is reacting on a string of emotions. If the two of you weren’t thousands of miles away from each other, I firmly believe this question wouldn’t have been submitted. At the end of the day, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not the biggest proponent for unwarranted apologies, but if it’s getting worse than it is better, bite the bullet and apologize.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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The Transition Question

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Since you guys have been together through a significant transitioning period in your life, how would you say being in a relationship affects finding yourself and the person who is right for you? Or, is it better to find yourself outside of a relationship?

A: Dear Finding Yourself,

The road to “finding yourself” is continual and gradual – a journey without destination. Everyday we are presented with new experiences, new people, new ideas and all of these play a hand in shaping our personal identities, beliefs and morals. From our genetic makeup to our daily routines, everything influences our lives. We will not wake up out of our sleep with an aha! moment exclaiming, “I found myself!!” It’s just not going to happen. As we continue to grow older and more wiser, we have a stronger grasp and acceptance on the person we are becoming, but I’m not sure if we ever really find ourselves because the act of finding alludes to “the end”; life is never-ending.

Throughout my relationship with Miss J, many people have questioned how we formed personal, separate identities without ever really having time apart. From the outside looking in, I can understand how it may seem difficult, but honestly, my relationship with Miss J has helped (far more that it has hindered) me in discovering the real Justin. When I am experiencing certain emotions or confused on what steps to take next, it is nice to have someone by your side offering a helping solution. Her advice does not directly shape my course of action, but it helps put life in perspective. We often have trouble solving problems looking through our own, biased lens, so to gain the understanding of another who truly has our best interest at heart is a blessing. Despite what these stupid rap lyrics proclaim about being “self-made”, we aren’t much of anything and have difficulty attaining understanding and success without the influences and help of others.

I truly believe the misconception of not being able to find yourself in a relationship stems from a negative view of relationships. I’ll be transparent – I use to look at my relationship with Miss J as a burden in my development. I was frustrated, angry and confused as to why I found myself in this relationship at such a young age. It wasn’t until almost a year ago (after our 2 month split) when I realized that my relationship with Miss J was not a burden at all, instead it was a beautiful partnership with a beautiful person who just wanted to love and support me. I fell victim to the ways of the world who argued I couldn’t discover who I was while dating another. Since shifting my views, I have grown exponentially in my personal life and have discovered new interests and opportunities I never imagined.

I’d encourage everyone to live life one day at a time and not worry about trying find all the answers. As humans, we don’t have the ability to understand it all, but that is the beauty of life. Continue working towards becoming the best person you can be and hold tightly to those who want the best for you. If you are in a relationship or single, the same personal development and growth can be achieved as long as we are willing to view life through a positive lens.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Inquiring Mind,

Good question! (Not that there are any bad questions).

Based on my experience, I cannot confidently say you can find yourself completely while in a relationship. Finding yourself requires you to be selfish and it goes against the grain of the amount of sacrifice you need to be in a committed relationship. As Mr. J and I have stated numerous times, we broke up for 2 months. It was at the peak of our transitional phase and there was just no way to grow together when establishing our separate identities.

With that said, I am not sure there is a set amount of time everyone needs to find themselves. For some people it can be 2 years and for others it can be 2 weeks. I think it depends on exactly what you are hoping to find and what you need to discover.

In my case, I needed to discover what it meant to be a woman, what kind of woman I was, what my real hobbies and interest are and if I could be independent. Turns out being a woman means being strong, wise and knowing when to put yourself first. I am a passionate, loving, God-fearing, and smart woman. I LOVE hiking, painting, everything about love, and helping others. I am more than capable of being independent and most of all I am capable of loving myself. I discovered all these things and more in just 2 months! Now it’s funny to think I was ever without the knowledge this “me” existed.

When Mr.J came back around I discovered something else; we have the ability to build our lives together, but still maintain our separate identities. I had found everything I needed to find on my own. The rest of it I can figure out as I go. What a concept! I now know the difference between compromising for the relationship and sacrificing who you are for your relationship. If you are struggling to find that balance it is safe to say you probably need to take some time for yourself. It is also important that when you do find that balance within yourself, the next partner you have allows you to continue to grow.

 Love,

Miss J 

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