Friend Zone?

Q: Hi Love Jays,

I’m starting to realize I have feelings for one of my guy friends, but it’s a strange situation. I feel like we genuinely care for each other, but I can’t tell in what way. At first, I was a little afraid that I was in the “little sister” zone, but as we got closer and closer, it all changed. For example, he knows I have a lot of anxiety with getting blood drawn, and gladly came with me to get it done. The thing is, he’s a bit (and by a bit, I mean a lot) of a player and at parties goes after girls he thinks will sleep with him and knows that I’m not up for anything casual. One night, after drinking, he and I kissed several times that night, so I have no idea whether that was a drunk want or just “because”. He also likes to call me pet names, but I don’t know if that’s in a little sister way. While I know he’s not ready for a relationship, have I been friend/little sister zoned?

A: Dear Stuck in the Friend Zone,

There aren’t too many single men in this world who will completely write-off any woman as being a future girlfriend. She could be a complete stranger or a friend for many years, whichever the case, it doesn’t mean things will always stay the same. How many stories have you read about best friends falling for each other? Just like anything else in life, friendships can evolve into something much different.

I have never been one to “blame it on the a a a a a alcohol” when making questionable decisions. You mentioned he is a bit of a player and likes going after girls who will sleep with him, so it’s very clear he knew exactly what he was doing when deciding to kiss you. It doesn’t necessarily mean he is trying to sleep with you, but I can assure you he wouldn’t prevent it from happening if you decided to take it there.

Simple answer – you are not stuck in the friend/little sister zone. He is looking to have fun and is willing to participate with anyone who is up for a good time. If you aren’t for anything casual, I would suggest not hooking up with him; no need to cause yourself any more confusion.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear In the Zone,

There is no such thing as a single man keeping a woman in “the friend zone”. NO SUCH THING. A man may value a friendship and not want to ruin it at that moment; but for the most part, until a man is settled down, every woman is fair game.

Also, he kissed you. I will say it again, He. Kissed. You. And you kissed him back. You liked it and I am sure there are no complaints on his end. Yes, you were drunk. Drunken words/actions are sober thoughts. When a friendship takes a step in the direction of it becoming something more there are typically a lot of nerves/butterflies involved. You both just had liquid courage, it is totally normal.

While I am almost positive you have not been “friend zoned”, you still may want to proceed with caution. You mentioned he is a player and my gut is saying he probably cares for you, but he has some “tendencies” he needs to get out first. The kisses you shared were probably the result of you both putting your feelers out there.Now that he knows he may have a shot with you he might slow down with his player ways.

For your part you should figure out what it is exactly you want and what you expect from him. If you come to the conclusion you are better off friends then that is that; but if you definitely want to explore something more than a normal friendship you are going to have to drop the liquid courage and the kisses and have a heart to heart.

Love,

Miss J 

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A Broken Engagement and A Broken Heart

Q: Dear Love Jays,
Hi, thank you guys for your great advice. I’m here once again for more advice. I was engaged and in love, but he happened to be a very jealous and controlling boyfriend. I thought that things would have gotten better after I told him how I felt and how I wanted us to have a healthy relationship. Things got extremely bad. 🙁 . A few weeks later, I found out he had profiles on more than 5 hook up (sexual) sites. I couldn’t believe it. It broke my heart. I called the wedding off and we’re no longer together. He still says he loves me and wants to be with me but he’s already posted ads to hook up with girls and have one night stands. Its like, did I ever mean anything to him? The worst part of all is that I still care for him and I miss him. I’m scared that years from now I’ll regret leaving him. Am I wrong to feel and think this way?

A: Dear My ex-fiancé was controlling, jealous and posted ads to have one night stands with other women, yet I miss him and may regret leaving him,

I’m going to keep this real brief – respect yourself.

You were in love. You were engaged to be married. You committed 5 years of your life. It’s hard and it’s not fair, but you owe yourself the opportunity to be loved, respected, and admired by someone who truly understands the meanings of those words. Don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed that you still care and love him – be encouraged at your power to love even when someone hasn’t given you any reason to love them. Imagine the love you will demonstrate towards the person who loves you just the same?

You must stand firm on your two feet and boldly proclaim and understand your worth! Fall back in love with you. Learn from your mistakes. Grow wiser. Smile. Change is patiently awaiting.

Fear is crippling and will prevent even the strongest people from moving forward, but those who conquer fear usually never regret it.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Am I Going to Regret This?,  

I am willing to bet years from now, if you had not left him, you would regret staying. Give yourself some credit and trust your first instinct. Your gut told you that you were better than how he was treating you and you deserve better. Guess what? Your gut was right!

Men like that know how to manipulate you; of course he is still telling you he loves you. He even may think that he does. But ask yourself this, is the way he loves you/is capable of loving you well enough for you? The answer is no. Every woman worth her grit deserves more than that.

It is normal for you to still have feelings for him, after all you were engaged. Try not to confuse your feelings of loss with regret. Sometimes those feelings do go hand in hand, but in this case you dodged a bullet. You could have ended up spending the rest of your life dealing with issues like this, but instead you broke it off and the possibilities of finding a genuine and healthy love are endless.

So, will you regret choosing happiness? Doubtful. Hang in there and stay strong! 🙂 

Love, 

Miss J 

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