What’s Love Got To Do With It?

Elevator Pitch

  • Daylight Savings Time.
  • Fitting rooms negatively play with our emotions.
  • Joy’s continued obsession with her new diet.
  • Justin’s issue with fantasy books and shows.
  • Holding hands is overrated.
  • Maintaining consistent levels of love for your partner.
  • Balancing role clarity without harboring resentment.
  • The problem with relationship advice being heavily slanted towards women.
  • And much more!

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Episode 49 Preview

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How to Demand Respect and Attention

Demanding Respect

Q: Dear Love Jays,

In the recent question regarding The Truth About Texting, both of you guys made the same very interesting point. Mr J said, “And as a woman, you should demand his attention and respect.” while Miss J said, “I say this in love…DO NOT BE AFRAID TO RAISE YOUR STANDARDS! You get what you demand. Now would be a great time to demand that whoever is  interested in you has to be interested enough to call you.”

My question is how do you make those demands? I feel like I’ve demanded from my boyfriend that respect and attention and whatnot and it seems to only create more strife/conflict in our relationship. Is there a right way to do this that I don’t know about?

A: Dear How to Demand,

I’m just going to dive right in.

When it comes to communication, you have to teach people how to communicate with you. For example, if you want someone to call you instead of texting and they shoot you a text saying,”How was your day?”, you would respond by saying, “Call me when you have a moment and I will tell you all about it.” That is what I meant by “demand that whoever is interested in you has to be interested enough to call you.” Now on to your question…

  1. What have you done to “demand” respect and attention from your boyfriend?
  2. What is your idea of respect and attention?
  3. Are you giving him the same amount of respect and attention you expect from him?
  4. Are your expectations realistic?

These are all very important questions to consider; when you have a quiet moment, I want you to write down the answers down and evaluate your expectations vs. reality.

How you go about demanding respect is crucial. You cannot do it by disrespecting someone into submission and you cannot do it by leaving it up to someone else’s discretion on how to treat you. You have to do it by, first, respecting yourself and second, by giving that person the respect you expect to receive. If the person is unwilling to meet the level of respect you expect (that is where the respect for yourself comes in), you leave. Respect is essential and without i,t you cannot have a healthy relationship.

Attention can also be tricky, some people need more attention that others. If your idea of attention is being together all of the time and talking on the phone every second you spend apart then that is an unrealistic expectation. No one can give someone 100% attention 100% of the time. On the flip side, if you are only able see your boyfriend twice a week and when you see him he is always preoccupied with something else then you have a valid case.

In college Mr. J and I spent a lot of time together, but it was never quality time. It always felt like I just happened to be there and he would go about his day. He honestly thought we were spending quality time together just because we were in the same room. I told him it was not about the quantity of time, but the quality of the time we spent together. I would rather see him for one hour everyday and really spend time with each other, than see him ten hours of every day but not ever engage in something meaningful. This whole interaction left me needy; I eventually wanted all of his time hoping it would eventually turn into something of quality. It never did and we broke up.

I am not saying you have to break up, I am just saying there comes a point when you have to accept the facts. Everyone is capable of giving their significant other attention and respect, they just might not be willing. Lay everything out on the table, tell your boyfriend exactly what you need and expect. If he is unwilling to meet those needs and expectations, it’s time to move on you have to decide what to do from there.

Love,

Miss J

Dear Fulfilling My Demand,

Relationships are a working partnership consisting of two people giving 100% effort towards making it successful. We’ve often heard relationships referenced as “50/50”, but the reality is that if both parties aren’t consciously striving to give their best effort, the relationship will likely fail.

Aside from effort, communication and sacrifice complete the relationship trinity. Relationships require daily maintenance and it thrives when two people are willing to commit themselves to the work. The work will not always be fun, but the dividends we receive from working hard is usually well worth it.

Have you noticed a common theme within the first two paragraphs?

“Two people”
“Both parties”
“Themselves”

We can make demands all day, but if we are with a partner who isn’t willing to work towards satisfying those demands…you’re wasting precious time and energy. It is our responsibility to enter relationships with a REASONABLE level of expectation and communicate these feelings prior to starting one. If you “demanded” your man to treat you (respect and attention) a certain way, yet you have allowed him to act below those standards, who is to blame? It’s easy to point the finger in the opposite direction; however, both of you are equally responsible for maintaining an acceptable respect level.

The hardest component in communicating effectively is not what we say, but how we say it. “Demand” has a strong overtone and people often shut down or rebel when slapped with one. We have to carefully structure our words in way that expresses our discontent without coming off too aggressive or attacking. When Miss J and I have had our own issues, she does a great job of expressing her feelings without putting me on the defensive; the times when the opposite has happened, it only led to more frustration and confusion.

Managing strife and conflict is an essential task of every relationship, yet we should never sacrifice our feelings or self-worth to avoid it. You have to decide what you are willing to accept, then act accordingly.

Love,

Mr. J

For your listening enjoyment 🙂

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FOUqQt3Kg0]
© LoveJays 2013

I Don’t Approve Of My Girlfriend’s Friends

Q: Dear Love Jays,

All of my girlfriends friends are wild. They cheat on their boyfriends and are always trying to get with other guys. They encourage her to be unfaithful and wild like them. They undermine our relationship and disrespect it. What do I do?

A: Dear Birds of a Feather,

Let me get this straight, ALL of her friends are wild, every last on of them? And she is the only angel?

I am not saying she is guilty of cheating or being wild herself, I am just simply curious as to why your girlfriend would hang out with an entire group of girls who are ALL wild and cheat.

Friends, in my experience, often share qualities we either posses or admire. Every once in a while we have a friend or two who are completely different from the others, but for the most part your real friends all have something in common with you and something in common with each other. There is always a trend.

You are saying in your girlfriend’s case the trend is that her friends are wild and cheat. It can be argued, based on my observations, that your girlfriend either possesses or admires these traits. I am not pointing fingers, just saying it’s something to consider.

It is not up to you to “fix” the problem. She has to be the one to seek out healthier friendships and terminate the friendships she currently has. You can express how you feel, but when doing this it would probably be best not to have an accusatory tone. Approach her calmly and lay it all out. DO NOT tell her she “can’t” hang out with them anymore, if you do your conversation WILL backfire. The rest is up to her.

If she decides to make changes* based on your conversation, great. If not, you have to decide how you feel about that and decide what you are and are not willing to deal with.

*a change may not necessarily mean she is no longer friends with the girls, it just may mean she hangs out a little less and maybe seeks out some new friendships as well. Be willing to compromise!

Love,

Miss J

A: Dear Her Friends Stay Wylin’,

Friendships are vital in all of our lives and the company we keep is a direct reflection on us. If you were to select your five closest friends and have a person (who only knew you) talk with them for an hour, that person should leave the room and be able to piece together the reasons why they are your friends.

If your girlfriend is hanging around people who are “wild” and undermine and disrespect their relationships, it may say something about her personality. I’m definitely not saying she acts similarly to her friends, but there is no doubting that our friends help influence our behaviors and actions. If your girlfriend values and respects your relationship, spending time with people who care less about it is probably not the best idea. In my close circle of male friends, I’m the only one who has been in a long-term, committed relationships. And guess what? None of them have encouraged me to disrespect Miss J in any form or fashion and are always there to support.

At one point, your girlfriend’s friends may have been in alignment with her state of mind. But as we mature, our goals and priorities shift, which then causes us to reexamine the company we keep and requires us to make some changes. If you believe these friends could be toxic to her and your relationship, it’s time to speak with your girlfriend and express your concern. Remember, you have NO RIGHT to tell her who she can/cannot be friends with, so it’s important not to attack.

Once your feelings have been expressed, the ball is in her court and she has to decide if these friendships are worth keeping. Regardless of how much you may dislike her friends, they are her friends and you have to respect her decision.

Love,

Mr. J

 

Love Jays on TradioV: Episode 2

Hey Love Fans!

In this week’s episode we discuss the “Harlem Shake”, social media in relationships, relationship titles and what you should do if your boo is broke. Featuring special guest Jordan Harbinger, co-founder of The Art of CharmMen, you definitely won’t want to miss this one!

Click the picture above to view the show.

Love,

J&J

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© LoveJays 2013