How to Make Friends When You are in a Relationship

relationship friends

Q: Dear Love Jays,

How do couples make new friends? What is the appropriate way to make a friend of the opposite sex while in a relationship?

A: Dear I Want Friends Too,

This is a great question!

Finding friends on your own is hard enough. There are so many people in this world, which often results in varying degrees of acquaintances and very few friends.

As a couple, this processes becomes even more difficult. Naturally, the friends you have before your relationship will carry over, unless a particular friend has been more than a friend and your significant other is uncomfortable with your relationship. Couples often like to find other friends who are couples. The challenge with having couple friends is that all four of you have to have some common ground. The easiest way to “meet” couple friends is to start with the people you already know. Maybe someone who has been a close acquaintance has a boyfriend as well. Seize the opportunity and set up a double date. You may find your acquaintance and their significant other are more friend material than you once thought.

*Side Note: If you and your best friend have a significant other  at the same time it is okay if you guys are not  “best couple friends”. As I said before, getting four people with different personalities to actually enjoy each other’s company can prove to be a challenge. Don’t fret, you guys are still best “just us” friends.

The really hard part about making new friends while in a relationship is when each party makes a separate friend. If that friend is of the same sex or should I say, the sex that the person is not attracted to, no problem; however, if that person is of the opposite sex or whatever sex they are attracted to, there can be a little bit of tension.

You should always, and I mean ALWAYS, introduce your significant other to your friends that you hang out with on a one-on-one basis or within an intimate group setting. It is not a requirement, but it would be wise of you to follow this guideline. When you are in a partnership, you want to know who your significant other is spending time with. Girl or boy, it’s normal. Especially when they keep bringing that person up; your natural inclination is to want to put a face to the name. When your significant other meets a new friend of yours, it allows them to witness the friendship on their own without having to figure out how to ask you questions they feel uncomfortable asking or developing unnecessary insecurities. Just introduce them.

Now onto the part about friends the opposite sex…

For friendships you had prior to your relationship:

  1. If they are attracted to you in any way, you probably should not be hanging out with them.
  2. If you are attracted to them in any way, you probably should not be hanging out with them.
  3. If they are disrespectful towards your relationship and/or your significant other, you probably should not be hanging out with them.

For new friendships with the opposite sex:

  • Make sure your significant other is comfortable with the friendship.
  • Refer to rules 1-3 of “friendships you had prior to your relationship”

The rest of the details can be worked out with you and your boyfriend/girlfriend.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

A: Dear Friendships in Relationships,

Friendships are an essential part of everyone’s life. School, work, parties, networking mixers – we often find ourselves seeking out others who have similar interests. The vast majority of these people often get grouped as acquaintances, yet there are a select few who we actually consider friends. And no, I’m not talking about Facebook friends. I’m referring to the people we actually speak with on the telephone and genuinely care about their well-being, hobbies, personal life, family, etc. You get the gist.

Anyone who knows me will probably agree that I’m very outgoing and social. I’m the guy who sparks up a conversation with just about anyone who is willing to talk. Literally. Grocery store, restaurant, sporting event, bar/lounge…pick a spot and the chances are very high I will engage in at least one conversation with a stranger.

Sidebar: I wasn’t the biggest fan of the whole “never talk to strangers” lesson. Grant it, the statement is directed toward children, but the way some people act when you try to say hello, you would think it still applies for fully functioning adults.

These interactions typically don’t amount to much of anything, but there have been a few occasions when the person (almost always a woman) I’m speaking with fully engages in the subject matter. What’s typically a 30-second exchange has now turned into a 15-minute conversation mixed with good dialogue and laughter. We continue talking until one of us has that “we’ve been talking for a minute” moment, tell each other to have a good day/night, then drop the “it was good talking to you, too” comment before walking away.

What’s the point of I’m trying to make? Out of respect for my relationship, I was perfectly content with the conversation and didn’t feel the need to “make a new a friend”. I accepted it for what it really was – a good conversation with what seemed to be a good person. I’m sure if we hung out a few more times and got to know each other better, we could be friends…but is it necessary?

I have yet to find the rulebook detailing the right or wrong way to make new friends while in a relationship. At the end of the day, it boils down to respect. Despite our best efforts, we typically know how to exercise good judgment. How you meet someone and where you meet them will definitely play a role in deciding if this is a friendship worth developing.

Miss J and I have formed new friendships, some of the opposite sex, upon leaving college (where 90% of our friends were mutual), yet none have caused any issues within our relationship. We were very open in communicating who these people were and left the element of surprise out of the equation.

If you are actively looking to form new friendships while in a relationship, I recommend seeking out people who share common ground. I love my single friends, but sometimes I just can’t do all the things my single friends do. Regardless of your mix of friends, it’s imperative to have friends who respect and support your relationship.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

 

© LoveJays 2013

For the Love of Poetry

 

A good and very talented friend of ours, Shane Romero, is a super dope poet who travels the United States gracing the audience with unique style and charisma. His passion for success can be heard through every word he speaks and his zest for life is unmatched.

Kick your Wednesday up a notch and check out his latest piece, “List”!

Love,

J&J

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9I2SeEwQRAo&feature=youtu.be]

Celibacy and Sexual Intimacy

 

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I am currently in a celibate relationship as well. My partner is a virgin, but I am not. We engage in other sexual activities, but no penetration of any kind. Although all of my past relationships have included sex, this has been the best relationship I’ve ever had. She is totally worth the wait; whenever that may be. While I’m not sure of the level of your celibacy, how do you keep the sexual intimacy in your relationship? Mr. J, as a man, how do you wrestle with the urges?

A: Dear Practicing Celibacy and Maintaining Sexual Intimacy,

A breath of fresh air! It’s always nice to read about other couples who practice celibacy. Funny to think back when I was completely against it – I vividly remember poking fun at one of my college teammates (dozens of times) for doing the exact same thing I would eventually do a couple of years later. Oh, the irony of life!

For those who are unfamiliar, Miss J and I haven’t always practiced celibacy. We were sexually active throughout the first four years of our relationship and felt (literally) it was time to change our ways in May 2012. We decided to remove all sexual activities from our appetite and kissing has become the fireworks of our relationship. There have definitely been moments when I wanted to round 1st base and head to 2nd or slide into 3rd, but each time, we have remained in control and stuck to our commitment.

I used to believe sex was the only way to be sexually intimate with Miss J. That is it’s purpose, right? Who could argue anything better than the moments of extreme passion shared when engaging in sex? While I wouldn’t argue against either, I will confidently say that practicing celibacy has given me a far better understanding of what intimacy really means. Removing all the sexual extras forces you to find new ways of being intimate.

Kissing. Rubbing. Hugging. Cuddling.

It’s so easy to take these actions for granted, but when it’s the only action available, you slowly gain an appreciation for those shared moments. I’m not even talking about long, drawn out processes either. A simple, heartfelt kiss lasting ten seconds will give me an emotional satisfaction far greater than it had in the past. When we get in the bed at night and our bodies cuddle against each other, I feel her love and passion. It’s a different feeling…a genuine and special feeling.

As for wrestling sexual urges, it’s important to identify the emotion and act accordingly. Self-control is key. Most of the time, I just get off the bed and walk around or go watch television/surf the internet. You just have to learn how to put yourself on timeout. If these don’t work, go spend some alone time and “relieve yourself” (Details not included). Exercise works, too. Getting in a good game of basketball at the local LA Fitness has yet to let me down.

Keep on keepin’ on!

Mr. J

A: Dear Seeking Sexual Intimacy,

I am going to cut right to the chase.

I understand celibacy can be difficult, especially considering you have had sex before. No sir, it is not easy and guess what? You are not supposed to be satisfied sexually!

I know it is hard especially when you care about someone so much, it’s natural to want to express that love and desire physically. Focus that energy on other aspects of your relationship. You would be surprised how many other ways there are to be intimate that don’t involve anything sexual.

I am not going to lie, it is going to be a struggle.  You are human after all; but like you said, she is worth the wait. When the time comes I doubt your sexual intimacy will suffer. 1) Because you will be connected on a much deeper level and 2) because you will want each other like crazy!

Keep pushing!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2013

Unconditional Love Part 2

 

Last week, I wrote a post about the existence of unconditional love. 

 Unconditional Love Part 1

 I thought love would be hard to define, but as it turns out several people have already done so. The Merrian-Webster Dictionary defines Love as: 

 Screen shot 2013-01-23 at 10.12.32 AM

 

While this definition is accurate (obviously), I was more interested in finding different categories of love. In addition to having our own love language, which is how we communicate love; we also love differently at the core. John Lee divided these types of love into 6 categories of love style. They are as follows:

Eros: a passionate physical and emotional love based on aesthetic enjoyment; stereotype of romantic Love. 

My thoughts: So basically this means as long as you are happy and enjoy that person, you love them. Not unconditional.

 

Ludus: a love that is played as a game or sport; conquest; may have multiple partners at once.

MyThoughts: Non-committal love. Going to go ahead and say this is probably conditional too. The condition being who’s bed you are in that night.

 

Storge: An affectionate love that slowly develops from friendship, based on similarity.

My Thoughts: This has to be unconditional, right? You love them because they are like you and you are friends. But what if one person changes? Maybe this one has conditions too. 

 

Pragma: Love that is driven by the head, not the heart; undemonstrative.

My Thoughts: I think it would be difficult to logically love someone unconditionally. You have to leave matters of the heart to the heart. Your head is no place for unconditional love because it’s already occupied by your conditions. 

 

Mania: obsessive love; experience great emotional highs and lows; very possessive and often jealous lovers.

My Thoughts: Going to leave this one alone for now. Obsession is not love and the condition is craziness. 

 

Agape: selfless altruistic love

My Thoughts: This has to be unconditional. If you truly love someone selflessly, you can love them no matter what. Conditions aside. 

 

Well, that was kind of a bust! I was hoping more of the categories would show some promising traits of unconditional love. At least now, I know moving forward, unconditional love requires complete selflessness. And so the journey continues…

Love, 

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2013

Casual Sex Solution?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

In today’s modern American society it feels like you have to be in a relationship to have sex without negative stigmas being attached to it. If you are single and having lots of sex, whether you are a guy or a girl, people develop negative opinions about you as a person, calling you a “slut” or a “manwhore.” I don’t want to be in a relationship, but I also don’t want to miss out on one of life’s greatest pleasures. Is there an elegant solution?

A: Dear Casually Sexin’,

We currently live in a hypersexualized society. From the ads saturating the digital media platforms to the songs aired on the radio, sexual innuendos bombard our senses 24/7. What use to be an act of privacy, respect and love has now been marketed as cool, flashy and powerful. And to make matters worse, more and more young people (not teenagers, KIDS) are engaging in sexual activities.

It’s hard to deny that sex is one of life’s greatest pleasures. No need to go into details here, but the majority of those who have participated in the act will probably agree. I like to compare sex to alcohol. If you wait until the proper age and handle it responsibly, few problems (if any) will arise. If you handle it irresponsibly and ignore the consequences that may follow, sex shifts from life’s greatest pleasure to life’s greatest vice.

It’s important to handle sex with care and have an open flow of communication with your sexual partner(s). Regardless what some will argue, sex entails more than just the physical “feel good”. Emotions will play a role some place down the line, so be mindful of the people you choose to sleep with and the reasons behind it. If everyone is on the same page, I’m all for it.

In regards to the “slut” or “manwhore” comments, let people have their opinions. If people kept their sexual lives private and stopped broadcasting it to the world (friends, social media) or wear it as an honor badge on their sleeve, people wouldn’t be in a position to make such comments. Show the decency to respect others and most importantly, yourself. If the negative comments are starting to take their toll, maybe it’s time to reexamine your actions and decide if you are happy the way you are living.

Be you. Be happy. Be comfortable.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I Just Want to Have Fun,

Well, as people say: Opinions are like butt-holes, everyone has one.

If you are comfortable and confident in your lifestyle than who cares what anyone else thinks?  Let’s look at it this way, would you really be doing anyone any favors if you were to enter into a relationship just for the sake of having sex with one individual? Probably not.

I am celibate and from the outside looking in it may look like I am a prude, but that’s far from the truth. If I concerned myself with how people viewed my decision I would probably be back to doing to the do by now.

As long as you are safe, feel good about yourself and have consenting partners, I see nothing wrong with you living your life the way you see fit. After all it is YOUR life.

Love,

Miss J 

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© LoveJays 2013

Fixing our Focus

As media firestorms continue to take over the front page news and the internet, I can’t help but continually ask myself “Why?”. Negative story after negative. Silly questions flying off reporter’s tongues. Precious time wasted trying to uncover the “wrong-doings” of another. Why do we as a country salivate on the manipulation, harassment, embarrassment, and humiliation of others? Why is Manti Te’o still being talked about in the news? Why are people still questioning if President Obama is a U.S. citizen? Why is TMZ the most popular news source? Why, oh why, must we focus our attention in all the wrong places?

Distraction.

Distraction is the one action that could hold us back from obtaining and achieving everything we want in life. Friends, television shows, parties, sleep, cell phones, sporting events, jobs…you name it and I’m willing to bet these have served as a distraction in our lives. Our generation is buzzing 24/7 – Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Reddit – our itch to stay relative on what’s hot constantly steals our attention. When we get a chance to lookup…hours, days, weeks or months have passed and we haven’t much to show.

Distraction.

Distraction is a synonym for destruction. If we allow ourselves to continually lose focus on the dreams we want to achieve, the friend we want to become or the man we want to represent, we will slowly find ourselves looking up and questioning how we ended up at this destination. The place we land may not appear to have cracks in the floor, dirt on the walls or dust on the furniture, but anytime we fall short of the place we are destined to occupy, we have shortchanged ourselves.

Distraction.

We can no longer afford distraction to consume our lives. We have too many talents and too much drive to let the world around us prevent us from living out our purpose. What is distracting you? More importantly, who is distracting you? Are you willing to clear the white noise from your life and focus on what you love?

If you are willing, I’m ready to ride with you. I’m not perfect and I’m distracted all the time. I write this post not just for you, but for us. I need some people to ride shotgun in my vehicle to success. I can’t do it alone. Grab the keys and let’s readjust or focus. 

Looking forward to an amazing drive.

Love,

Mr. J

© LoveJays 2013