Q: Dear Love Jays,
My friend is almost 30 and has been single basically always. That would be fine except he desperately wants someone special in his life and is very unhappy being single at his age. He won’t approach girls he finds attractive, he has very high ideals of what he wants and he always finds flaws. What advice could I give him? It just seems like a lost cause…..
Q: Dear Unhappily Single,
We all have standards. We all want the best. Hell, we even think we are the best! Though it’s nice to stroke the ego from time to time, we must understand perfection isn’t humanly attainable and flaws are part of our makeup. We are perfectly imperfect.
And guess what? It’s good to be imperfect! Our imperfections separate us from everyone else in the world. There are millions of attractive, unattractive, happy, unhappy, tall, short, slim, round, black, white people in the world, but each one has their own story completely unique to themselves and someone loves, cares, and appreciates them.
Walking around trying to fit everyone in a box will not happen, so I would challenge your friend to expand his thought process, be more receptive to differences, and remove the lenses blurring his vision from seeing the happiness of life. I’d be willing to bet there have been many women who have crossed his path that could have easily been his girlfriend, but sometimes our own perceptions ruin great opportunities.
Unhappiness is a product of the self, so the only way to reverse that feeling is to examine ourselves. True change always starts from the inside out; once we are able to identify our own shortcomings and make peace internally, the world always finds a way to make all the other pieces fit.
Sincerely,
Mr. J
A: Dear I Want To Help My Friend,
Finding “someone special” is an especially difficult task, this task become even more difficult when our expectations exceed the reality of humanity.
The best advice to give your friend would be to tell him to really take a look at himself. You say he is unhappy being single; would it be fair to say he is just plain unhappy, being single aside? It’s ok to prefer to be in a relationship, but the word “unhappy” strikes another cord with me and may in fact be the source of your friend’s problem.
Happiness should not be determined by your relationship status and contrary to popular belief ,cannot be determined by your relationship status. A relationship is just a “quick fix” , the happiness is often fleeting. When they do something you perceive as good you are happy, but when they do something you perceive as bad you are totally unhappy. It affects your life completely. External factors cannot be responsible for your inner joy. There are just as many unhappy people in a relationship as there are unhappy single people.
The choice to be happy has to come from within (cliché I know, but very true). He is finding flaws in women because he is looking for someone that will make him completely happy, in reality no such woman exists. It’s an excuse and he is avoiding the real issue like the plague.
Relationships don’t make people happy. The happiest relationships are when two people decide to individually own their happiness and share in that happiness with the other person. So my advice to your friend is literally to “be happy”. The rest will fall into place.
Love,
Miss J
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