Religion and Relationships

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I’ve been dating this girl for a few months and she claims she’s an atheist. I’ve grown up with a strong Christian background and even though I may not be an avid church goer, I still have Christian convictions and ultimately believe in God and the existence of Jesus Christ. Our relationship seems to be fine and growing at a normal pace, but when conversations about spirituality or God come up it feels like we hit a wall. I’ve never been one to force my beliefs on others, but I also want to feel comfortable with someone when I do open up about this. Should I walk away from this before this relationship goes further, or should I give her time to find a common ground?

A: Dear Religion Dilemma,

This is a tough question to answer. I typically like to give the most unbiased answer as possible to all of our questions, but this topic is near and dear to my heart.

I have always said that it is not about religion, it is about relationship (in regards to God); but if you ask me which belief system I identify with the most I would say Christianity.

In my experience, a relationship with God is something that is at your core. There can be a lot of other things around the core (i.e. similar interest, love of the same food, same taste in music, etc.) but at the end of the day it is what is at the center of you that shapes who you are and how you go about handling certain situations.

This does not mean the woman you are dating is a bad apple at the core; it just means she is on a different spiritual journey. You never force your belief system onto another individual; however you should always be able to share without feeling uncomfortable (and vice versa). Eventually you will come to a fork in the road when you will have to choose to either keep your beliefs at bay, or to keep hitting that spiritual wall. You say everything is fine at the moment, but if you feel like you are at that fork now than it looks like you have a decision to make. I’m not sure a breakup is in order, but some self/relationship evaluation definitely is. Since you are a man of God my best advice is to pray on it : )

Love,

Miss J

A: Dear Religion in Relationships,

Religion and politics are the two subjects that can bring the best and worst out of any person. Each one embodies strong convictions from its believers and supporters, and often times, most people stand very firm on their beliefs. It’s often been said these topics should be kept away from conversations with close friends and family, but in reality, it’s the exact opposite.

Religion is the source of spiritual guidance, understanding, happiness, peace, anger, frustration, debate and controversy. Some believe in God or a god, while others believe religion is foolish and the reason for much violence in the world. It’s a personal decision and whatever you choose to believe is neither wrong or right.

Personally, I have wrestled back-and-forth with religion my entire life. I did not grow up in a religious household, but we (1 brother, 1 sister) were raised on Christian morals and values. Church was not a part of our weekly routine and my parents never shoved religion down our throats. I attended religiously affiliated schools, but I could never fully wrap my head around religion. I always believed in God, but didn’t really understand what it meant. It wasn’t until last year that I made a conscious effort to better understand my beliefs and become more active in seeking a relationship with God. I have never been a fan of organized religion for several reasons, but my beliefs are based in Christianity. The process of seeking God is full of learning, difficulties and confusion, but since making the commitment, my life has become more meaningful.

I share my testimony because I have noticed a shift in the person I am becoming and the deep connection Miss J and I have developed with each other. Our relationship no longer exists just in the physical, but in the spiritual. It genuinely feels different. It’s hard to explain, but the change is evident.

Your relationship will continue to grow and could blossom into something great, but I’m not sure if it will reach it’s full potential without a spiritual support system. I encourage you to engage in conversations about spirituality and discover the reasons why each of you believe in something different. It will most likely be very uncomfortable, but it’s important to understand the people we are committing to beyond the physical. Listen to your heart and progress in the ways you feel necessary.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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© LoveJays 2012

Love Doctor?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Me and Mr J. are old friends; he would probably never guess who I am, but it’s great seeing my boy do his love thing. I find it kinda funny actually, but how did you become such a love doctor?

A: Dear Old Friend,

Thank you for submitting this question and supporting an old friend! You’re right, I have no idea who you are, but hopefully our paths will cross in the near future and the two of us can shoot the breeze and laugh together like old times.

I definitely wouldn’t consider myself a love doctor in any manner. I’m just an ordinary guy who fell in love with an amazing woman, which then resulted in me truly understanding the meaning of love. I couldn’t have envisioned just six months ago that I would ever be writing a blog giving advice to young people about love, dating, or relationships. It’s actually ironic because I was the one always asking for relationship advice, and now I am the one sharing my experiences. I’m sure if you ask any of my college teammates or friends about this blog, 98% of them would have never believed I would be giving advice on such topics.

Love Jays is a testimony to the idea of how we, as individuals, cannot always foresee the opportunities life will present and the rewards that will come along the way. I’ve have always prayed to touch the lives of people around the world, but I never imagined this blog would be the first platform to give my voice an outlet. I encourage each of you to open your minds and embrace new experiences because you never know if your true calling lies behind a door you are afraid or unwilling to open.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Mr. J’s Old Friend, 

Co-Sign 😉

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

Loving Yourself

Two months ago, Miss J and I were sitting in her apartment when a friend suggested we start a blog giving love advice to young people. We each swept the idea under the rug in the beginning, but as a few weeks passed, the two of us decided to give it a shot. Miss J has always been passionate about love and giving advice, while I typically just gave advice because I enjoy talking and like the sound of my own voice. Miss J and I brainstormed a name for the blog, did a bit of research then BOOM – July 13th came and Love Jays was born. I had never written anything about relationships, dating, love or any of the other topics we discuss on this platform, but I quickly realized what we were doing was something people actually enjoy! If you look back at all the articles, we have touched on various different topics relating to “all-things-love”, but we have never really touched on the most important love topic – loving yourself.

Loving yourself sounds easy enough, but the act of truly loving ourselves is one of the most challenging quest all of us will face or are currently facing. Up until about a year ago, I couldn’t be convinced that I didn’t love me some me. Everywhere I went, I was the loudest person within a 10 mile radius, always wanted to be the center of attention and couldn’t wait to talk some sh*t with my friends. I was an absolute clown, but I was convinced I loved that person everyone grew to know. When I graduated college, everything changed.

My basketball career was over. My closest friends were no longer around the corner. I was no longer “the man” on campus. I didn’t have a job. I had to move back home. I was alone. I was depressed. I was confused. Who was I? For the first time in my life, I was forced to be alone in my thoughts and spend time reflecting on the Justin I portrayed to the world. For so long, I led people to believe I had it all together and was living a happy life.

My girlfriend (Miss J) was one of the most attractive women on campus. Captain of the basketball team. President of the Black Student Union. Outreach Assistant for the Office of Admission. It appeared I had what everyone wanted. But despite how put together it may have looked, I was completely broken inside. I lashed out and attempted to be the “cool” guy, the “hard ass”, the “I’m better than you” because I didn’t know what else to do. I struggled and I struggled. I made more enemies than friends, but I didn’t care. I loved me some me, right? Wrong.

I write this blog as an open invitation into my struggle of figuring out who I am and how to really love and accept that person. I don’t have it all together. I, like most of you, am continuing to seek my purpose in life and am working towards becoming a man of strong moral integrity, love, passion and respect. Strip away the Love Jays and Mr.J. I am You and You are me. We struggle together.

So, what does it mean to love yourself and how do we do it? I don’t have all the answers, but I can say that it is imperative that you spend some quiet time bi-weekly or monthly reflecting on the person you are in your heart of hearts. Embrace it all. We have talents and we all have shortcomings – that’s what makes us special and unique. We don’t need to be anyone else, besides ourselves. Let’s focus on becoming the best version of ourselves and not worry about who/what others think we should be! Besides, how can we love someone else if we don’t love ourselves, first?

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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© LoveJays 2012

(Ex)press Yourself

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Here’s a doozy for you. So my ex and I have been back and forth for about two years. There is a multitude of issues, but we never seem to completely break it off. We have real feelings for each other, but can never seem to get on same page. I guess what I’m asking is, can this ever work?

A: Dear Back and Forth,

It’s been two years and despite the “multitude of issues”, the two of you have remained interested in each other and have attempted at developing a relationship. It’s obvious there is a strong connection you share (two years is a lot of time to waste with someone who we don’t care about), but it’s important to evaluate the entire scope of the “relationship”. What is keeping the two of you going back-and-forth? Are the motivations for continuing selfish? What are the multitude of issues and can they be overcome? I can’t stress it enough, communication is critical. Effective communication unlocks doors to conversations that lead to progression and actualization.

The motivation behind submitting this question already indicates your interest in solving the problem that has caused much confusion and headaches along the way. It’s time to put the raincoat on and embrace the storm head-on. It’s unfair to both parties to continue wasting time, if the relationship cannot grow into something stable and enjoyable. Identify the good, the bad and the ugly – then decide the appropriate steps that need to follow.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Case of the Ex, 

The answer to your question,”Can this ever work?” is up to you guys. Let me try and help you break it down.

You have been dating on and off for two years, you have multitude of issues, you have real feeling, and you are never on the same page?!

Dating on and off:  If it’s circumstantial (i.e. you will be gone for a year on a mission trip and then she will be gone for a year for work), that’s a different story. I am assuming that is not the case. To be on and off simply because you can’t get along long enough to stay “on” is not a promising sign. Chances are as things start to get heated again you remember why they became your ex in the first place. 2 years of the same pattern, do you really want to sign on for 2 more?

Multitudes of Issues: You mentioned you have a lot of issues , but you said nothing about working on them. Problems do not go away on their own. If you really ever want a future together you have to start to work through the pile of issues. It is hard work, but it also happens to be the price of a happy relationship!

You have feelings: Congrats, that’s awesome! But what feelings? Are you in love, lust, infatuation, extreme like or are you just comfortable?

You are Never on the Same Page: This is another not so promising sign. Beyond the frustration of not seeing eye to eye, you have to look at the fact that you both are struggling to find a happy medium.  No happy medium, no happy couple.

So can you guys make it work? Yes. Are you willing to put the work in to make it work? It’s up to you. Is it worth it? Debatable.

Love,

Miss J

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The Difference Between Persistence and Annoyance

Q: Dear Love Jays, 

At what point does being persistent in pursuing that attractive female become an annoyance?

A: Dear A Little too Persistent,

We have always been told that persistence leads to success, but when it comes to the dating world – persistence must be executed strategically and effectively. If handled inappropriately, persistence is equivalent to thirst! And believe it when I say that once a woman thinks a man has become thirsty for her, his chances went from “slightly maybe, but not really” to “I would rather skydive without a parachute then see or speak to him again”.

Fellas – it is very important to understand the signs and vibes women give off when we are in pursuit. Unfortunately, we often ignore these cues because of infatuation and raging hormones. These signs may not be very apparent at the onset, but as time passes, I’m sure several hints have been thrown in your direction that indicate whether or not the woman is interested.

Here are a few scenarios that may indicate when a women is not interested:

1.Your phone calls or text messages have not been answered. Oh, and in case you didn’t get the hint – sending more text messages only makes it worse. You have already sent “Hey baby” or “What you doing today?” three times and failed to get a response – the 4th try isn’t going to help your cause.

2. Your request is still pending on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. The fact you found her on all three platforms is already a telling sign.

3. She greets you with the awkward  “Heeeeeyyyyy….” then claims she is on her way somewhere, so she can’t talk long.

4. You haven’t had a second date or worse, you never got the first one. Think of it like baseball – three strikes and you’re out.

I’m sure the ladies can add another 100+ examples to this list, but I thought I would kickstart it. Simply put, it becomes annoyance once the woman is not interested. Men, relax a bit and play the field wisely. The thirst is real and women are not looking to be the quencher!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Too Eager to Please, 

Every woman is different, but we are all similar in the fact we do send subtle messages (and sometimes not so subtle messages) to let you know if you are doing too little or too much.

Here are a few common cues:

If she says she thinks you are better off friends, listen to her. She means it. At that point, you need not be persistent anymore, and if you are capable of being a friend do just that; if not- walk away. If she changes her mind she will then come to you.

Also, if your woman of interest has told you point blank she is not interested, you need to respect that. It does not mean she wants to be friends, it does not mean she is playing hard to get, it means SHE IS NOT INTERESTED.

If you are texting a woman and her responses are getting shorter and shorter, that means you are texting too much. It’s okay to engage in a text conversation, but you do not need to text someone you are just getting to know a million times a day. A short phone call (yes, that device you use to text actually has the ability to call people too!)  and between 1-2 text will do for the “getting to know you/I’m interested” phase.

Lastly, lay off of the “feelers”. If you want to say something to a woman, say it and own it. If you really want to pursue a woman don’t do the half joking half serious “dang girl you look good today” with a stupid smirk on your face approach. It’s annoying the first time, bad the second time and sad the third time. If you are just trying to be silly with a friend, it is totally fine, but if you want a real chance with a woman you do not know – that is probably the worst way to go about it. Have confidence, mention she looks great or beautiful and leave it there. That way it is not a feeler and you don’t appear to expect anything in return. You just wanted to tell her she looks great and move on with your day. It’s always better to be persistent in that way than to pester her into giving you a chance. No extras or jokes needed.

Hope this helps!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012